I often hear the statement "you must feel SO much better." Wow, define "better" if you would, please. Do I have a stamina for physical activity I lacked at 326 pounds? Without a doubt! Do I feel less ashamed by my appearance, especially when meeting new people or seeing people I haven't seen for years? For sure! Am I relieved to not be the proverbial (and literal, it felt like) elephant in the room while being totally invisible all at the same time? You bet!
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Time Marches On...
I can't believe it happened - again! I've gone months and seemingly ignored this blog, although I haven't forgotten about it! Honest!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
I was incredibly concerned about food at Disney. It's always been one of our favorite things about our Disney vacations (this was my 13th trip; it was our 9th trip together, including our "Disneymoon"). We got the text that our room was ready and it turns out we'd been upgraded to "Club" (aka: concierge) Level. You know what that means? Free food! It also meant that we walked out onto our balcony the first night at the Wilderness Lodge after a long day at 2 different parks, and watched the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle. We were downright giddy! We'd also been eligible for the Free Dining promotion they offered. We weren't going to pay for the dining plan; I simply don't eat that much, but it was free, so we grabbed on! I tried some new foods and did well until the last day when I tried a few too many new things in one day and my sleeve rebelled (I vomited). Other than that, I did quite well. I even lost weight because of all the walking we do at Disney. It was an extraordinary vacation! We still enjoyed some great food, we had the upgrade, we were at our favorite place on Earth (the adult-exclusive beach, called Serenity Bay, at Disney's private island, Castaway Cay where we floated on mats in the clear ocean and just hung out talking - all the while our backs getting burnt, as we were laying on our stomachs), and we were on a phenomenal new ride, Seven Dwarfs Mine Train, during the nighttime fireworks. And those were just the highlights!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Sunday, July 10, 2016
New Experiences - 46 Days Out (this number has changed many times as I continue to write, and write, and write....)
Wow, this has been a crazy time! I'm sorry I've neglected this for so long. I started to write a couple of weeks ago, but then... well... life just got in the way.
Where to start?
Part of the delay was some pain I'm having. It's all along the left side of my abdomen and the LRNP said that it wasn't pain I should be having at this stage, so I had an unexpected visit downtown. Thankfully hubby was able to take off. She (the LRNP) said that it's unlikely the pain is surgery-related, but they ordered a few tests just to see if they can determine what is causing it. I'm waiting on the results of one; the other required a pre-cert and I didn't get the info to schedule until it was too late, so I'll be calling for that appointment on Monday. I do hope they figure this out! Actually, just today (Saturday), hubby and I were out running some errands and wandering the mall - I haven't been able to walk the mall in years. I realized I could go to Chick-fil-A and get grilled nuggets. I got the 8-piece, but could only finish 5. I'll know to get the children's portion next time. Then I had to wait 30 minutes to drink, which about killed me. On top of that, I had my ongoing clothing frustrations (more about that below) and I was having some arthritis pain (you don't spend much time being morbidly obese before your body rebels!). We left to head to our main destination, and one of my absolute favorite stores - The Container Store!!!!! Unfortunately the abdominal pain increased dramatically, almost out of the blue, so hubby knew something was wrong when I wanted to leave there... and not even stop at Target on the way home. So here I sit, protein shake in next to me, typing away.
Now, I had my first experience at a restaurant. I was super anxious. A few days prior I had a hamburger and it didn't sit well. Dinner was planned for hubby's birthday and my parents were taking us to a steak and seafood restaurant. I called the dietitian in a hurry! She pulled up the menu on her computer and we went through the menu over the phone (did I mention how wonderful she is?). I assumed I'd get the scallop appetizer, but the menu didn't make it as straight-forward as it used to be; I also never paid attention before and it is a sauteed dish, therefore cooked in butter - a big no-no. We worked together to figure out a plan and a few days later, we headed down to my folks'.
The day came and I feltsomewhat not-at-all prepared. I have a letter from my surgeon saying that I've had an operation and that I should be permitted to order a lesser amount of food (off the children's menu, if need be) for a proportionate cost. I was armed going into the restaurant. My parents go here often, so they have a favorite server and asked for her. While we were being seated, my father graciously took the server aside and advised her of my situation. She was wonderful and told me to order what I want/need from the menu and the chef would make it work. I did get the scallops, grilled, along with some asparagus. I wasn't able to finish the 4 scallops, so by bariatric "law" (of my program), I didn't have any of the veggie. I love vegetables, so this is killing me! But rules dictate that I eat my 3 oz of protein before I have my ounce of veggie. And I held firm to the rules.
Major Eating/Lifestyle Changes:
I had my first session with my food/eating therapist since surgery. She's a real cheerleader for me and my journey and reminds me all the time how far I've come and how much I'm doing to follow the strict rules. I don't take compliments terribly well, so it's a bit like water-off-a-duck's-back, but she knows that. I had the same experience with my psychiatrist earlier this week. I've always been hard on myself, so it's not something new. The only person on my mental health team who has supported me throughout the entire process is my psychologist. (the food therapist is new). The psychiatrists I've seen in the past (especially the one I saw for the longest time - 9 years, I think) would have just set up another appointment and said they'd see me after surgery. All 3 of these people wanted to know as soon as possible how surgery went. My psychiatrist was really happy - surprised even - that hubby emailed her not long after the surgery was over. She thanked me/him for that and I thanked her for caring enough to ask. I haven't even been seeing her a year and she's done everything to encourage me and support this process. When I talked of the financial hardship of seeing a second therapist, she didn't think twice and told me to see her less often if that would help. She's there by email and phone if I need her.
I had an appt at the neurologist's office and talked with her about decreasing doses on some of the meds they have me on for my migraines, because they can also be used for psych purposes. They are older meds and have a greater chance to cause weight gain - working against what I'm working to do! In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I am cutting one of the biggest offenders in half (to start) and the other I take 1200 mg 3x/day and that is being cut to 900 mg 3x/day. I hope to be off my cholesterol med by the Fall, and even though my psychiatrist added back in one med (I went off it due to a variety of screw-ups) I can just pray that she will take me off the one I currently take once I'm up to a therapeutic dose.
Clothes: I'm finally starting to find myself shrinking out of clothes. I was so frustrated being stuck in the same size clothes as 50 lbs ago! But just within the past 1-2 weeks I've noticed that my shirts are sliding down my shoulders and my bra straps are showing. That hasn't been the case in nearly forever! My old body had a fairly basic pound to size ratio. When I was 310 lbs, I wore a 30/32. I'm under 250 - oh right... did I mention that I'm UNDER 250 ???? I don't remember the last time that was the case, so my mind keeps saying that I should be in a 24/26, but that's not totally the case. It wasn't a science before, but now it's all over the place. I did go this afternoon to a Catherine's outlet store. I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes, since I just don't know what size to buy and I'll say it again - I definitely do NOT want to spend a lot of money! So, I left empty-handed, but have become friendly with one of the employees, so we chatted for a bit and that was nice. The same has been true for all of my shopping escapades of late. It turns into one big frustrating mess! I'm going to wind up naked before I know it - and nobody wants to see that!
I had a appointment in the town where I grew up, so met some friends for lunch afterwards. In talking with one of my friends she asked where I wanted to go. I haven't lived there in over 20 years, so I'm not entirely sure what the options were. In talking with her, I said that breakfast is easy for me, since I can just order eggs. We decided on a place. When I walked in, all I saw were booths. In the past, this was fear-inducing. Will I fit? Will I be able to breathe? Will my belly wind up hanging onto the table? Will people stare? Last week, though - no problem! Plus, inches to spare! For anyone who's struggled with obesity that's a huge accomplishment (no pun intended). Part of me can't wait to go to our local diner. I haven't been there in many months and I'm eager to just sit down and not have to request a table - that's awfully embarrassing... or even more embarrassing is them asking if a booth is ok. This is one check in the "win" box!
Another great thing about that lunch is that I haven't seen these women in over 2 years. It was wonderful catching up in person and not just via Facebook posts and messages or texts. But, while they know this is the path I'm on now, I haven't posted any recent photographs, so I was almost giddy at their reactions. I know, it still falls under the "water-off-a-duck's-back" concept, but it was still really nice to hear. Like my doctor/surgeon says, I'm with me everyday. It's only those who don't see me for a long stretch who will really notice.
I'd been slacking a bit with exercise, but also found myself unhappy with my weight loss numbers. I'm the only one who can change that, so I sucked up the pain (to a certain level - I still have to listen to my body) and hopped back on that bike. With having a TV in that room, I can stream shows and movies through amazon prime and not have to pay for an additional FiOS box. At this point, I'm doing about 7 miles in between 23-26 minutes. I have yet to put on that bathing suit and jump into the pool for water aerobics. With my mood all over the place I am not finding the energy to get up and at 'em in time. Hence my time on the bike (plus I don't have to leave the house - huge bonus some days).
Jewelry is also an issue for larger or obese women. It's not something I'd considered before it became an issue. Necklaces don't fit properly and if they do, they become chokers when they're not meant to be. I also kept having to get a larger and larger band to wear as a wedding ring. One Christmas, hubby got my original rings sized. I cried because it was the best gift. It made me feel normal again (if that makes sense). Now those rings are getting loose. Because of the heat, they aren't in danger of falling off, but I have to keep a eye on them so I don't lose them once the weather cools. Also, out of curiosity I tried on my college ring and wouldn't you know it fit? Such an amazing feeling. I still weigh (probably) 70 lbs more than I did then, but the fact that I could get it on and not have to cut if off was another win! I won't be wearing it anytime soon, but I moved the infinity ring hubs got me for Christmas to another finger so I could get used to it there and be prepared to wear my college ring again! Woo hoo!
This may sound really odd to someone who hasn't had the experience of losing significant weight, particularly when it's rapid, but skin starts to sag. It's not pretty, but it's all part of the journey. Well, I noticed the other day that my arm flab was less taut than it used to be. Yes, that's right, I'm having skin sag! It's hard to explain it, but it's a good feeling. I'm trying not to think about skin surgery so early in my journey, but it's something I may consider down the road, depending on the condition of my body when all's said and done. Insurance doesn't typically pay for it because they see it as cosmetic so it would create a rather sizable financial burden. At the same time, having this skin issue could create other problems, medical problems. One thing at a time, though. It was just exciting that there was some evidence I was able to see!
Now, this last one is still a source of anxiety for me. In a couple of months, we are going on vacation. The dietitian said to cross that hurdle when I come to it, but it's still a big uncertainty. Food is usually a big part of vacation. You get to eat out and have some foods you would otherwise avoid (have you heard of funnel fries -- YUM!). But this year will be vastly different. I don't want the Mr. to miss out on the yummy things they have there. I also treat myself to a drink or two while we're on vacation and that's a big no-no. I'll work around it and the dietitian will coach me before we go so I have ideas for restaurants. I have the protein bars, some of which are actually delicious. I can take stuff down to make protein shakes. I just don't want to be limited to chicken for all of my restaurant meals. I do know of one place with amazing scallops; they just can't be sauteed because of the butter. But I'm sure they will grill or broil, just like the steakhouse for hubby's birthday.
I know this has been a crazy-long post and thank you if you made it all the way through. Please forgive any disjointedness or typos but I've been writing like crazy to not delay this any longer and to make sure I didn't forget anything. I know there have been people who have expressed interest in this blog and how they have found support through it or are considering the surgery and want to read more. I can't tell you how much that means to you. Part of the reason I decided to make this blog public was to help even one person. Please, please, please, ask questions! You can bet I'll be honest. Heck, at this point it's all on the table anyway. Also, don't hesitate to join the site; you'll get an alert when I post in the event that I forget to put in on FB. You can find it in a blue box on the right side, below all of my profile info and right about "followers."
Well, hopefully things will get less eventful, although every day finds something new - a new food my tastebuds like and my body agrees with (or the opposite), or what exercise has been working and what may be causing some unnecessary pain. I'll also try to check in more often so you don't feel like you've just finished reading a bad novel by the time you reach the end.
Where to start?
Part of the delay was some pain I'm having. It's all along the left side of my abdomen and the LRNP said that it wasn't pain I should be having at this stage, so I had an unexpected visit downtown. Thankfully hubby was able to take off. She (the LRNP) said that it's unlikely the pain is surgery-related, but they ordered a few tests just to see if they can determine what is causing it. I'm waiting on the results of one; the other required a pre-cert and I didn't get the info to schedule until it was too late, so I'll be calling for that appointment on Monday. I do hope they figure this out! Actually, just today (Saturday), hubby and I were out running some errands and wandering the mall - I haven't been able to walk the mall in years. I realized I could go to Chick-fil-A and get grilled nuggets. I got the 8-piece, but could only finish 5. I'll know to get the children's portion next time. Then I had to wait 30 minutes to drink, which about killed me. On top of that, I had my ongoing clothing frustrations (more about that below) and I was having some arthritis pain (you don't spend much time being morbidly obese before your body rebels!). We left to head to our main destination, and one of my absolute favorite stores - The Container Store!!!!! Unfortunately the abdominal pain increased dramatically, almost out of the blue, so hubby knew something was wrong when I wanted to leave there... and not even stop at Target on the way home. So here I sit, protein shake in next to me, typing away.
Now, I had my first experience at a restaurant. I was super anxious. A few days prior I had a hamburger and it didn't sit well. Dinner was planned for hubby's birthday and my parents were taking us to a steak and seafood restaurant. I called the dietitian in a hurry! She pulled up the menu on her computer and we went through the menu over the phone (did I mention how wonderful she is?). I assumed I'd get the scallop appetizer, but the menu didn't make it as straight-forward as it used to be; I also never paid attention before and it is a sauteed dish, therefore cooked in butter - a big no-no. We worked together to figure out a plan and a few days later, we headed down to my folks'.
The day came and I felt
Major Eating/Lifestyle Changes:
- stop drinking 15 minutes before eating
- take at a minimum, 30 minutes to eat (preferably more with the amount of nausea I've had); because of this, I've gotten used to finishing my meals cold.
- eat 4 oz meals, getting 60-80 oz of protein in daily (historically, people in my specific program have had a higher rate of success with having a protein shake/bar for one meal per day). It may not be logical, but different doctors/programs have different rules - both pre-op and post-op. It's not like removing a gall bladder or fixing a torn ligament.
- as I mentioned before, I am now permitted 1 oz of veggies and 3 oz of protein, but the protein must, must, must come first. Greek yogurt is an excellent source of protein so a number of the bariatric recipes I have include that as an ingredient, or I'll just have a cup of cherry (or whatever) and it has 12(!!!) grams of protein.
- meals should be between 3-4 hours apart
- do not drink until 30 minutes after eating (this one has been the most difficult, I think... we're all so used to drinking throughout our meals, so to not pick up my glass until 30 minutes after I'm through is an enormous change -- try it... it's HARD!)
- it is absolutely necessary to get in 64 oz - at the very least 50 oz - of water/Crystal Light (something with no caffeine, no sugar and non-carbonated) daily; dehydration is the number one reason for people to be re-admitted following surgery
I had my first session with my food/eating therapist since surgery. She's a real cheerleader for me and my journey and reminds me all the time how far I've come and how much I'm doing to follow the strict rules. I don't take compliments terribly well, so it's a bit like water-off-a-duck's-back, but she knows that. I had the same experience with my psychiatrist earlier this week. I've always been hard on myself, so it's not something new. The only person on my mental health team who has supported me throughout the entire process is my psychologist. (the food therapist is new). The psychiatrists I've seen in the past (especially the one I saw for the longest time - 9 years, I think) would have just set up another appointment and said they'd see me after surgery. All 3 of these people wanted to know as soon as possible how surgery went. My psychiatrist was really happy - surprised even - that hubby emailed her not long after the surgery was over. She thanked me/him for that and I thanked her for caring enough to ask. I haven't even been seeing her a year and she's done everything to encourage me and support this process. When I talked of the financial hardship of seeing a second therapist, she didn't think twice and told me to see her less often if that would help. She's there by email and phone if I need her.
I had an appt at the neurologist's office and talked with her about decreasing doses on some of the meds they have me on for my migraines, because they can also be used for psych purposes. They are older meds and have a greater chance to cause weight gain - working against what I'm working to do! In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I am cutting one of the biggest offenders in half (to start) and the other I take 1200 mg 3x/day and that is being cut to 900 mg 3x/day. I hope to be off my cholesterol med by the Fall, and even though my psychiatrist added back in one med (I went off it due to a variety of screw-ups) I can just pray that she will take me off the one I currently take once I'm up to a therapeutic dose.
Clothes: I'm finally starting to find myself shrinking out of clothes. I was so frustrated being stuck in the same size clothes as 50 lbs ago! But just within the past 1-2 weeks I've noticed that my shirts are sliding down my shoulders and my bra straps are showing. That hasn't been the case in nearly forever! My old body had a fairly basic pound to size ratio. When I was 310 lbs, I wore a 30/32. I'm under 250 - oh right... did I mention that I'm UNDER 250 ???? I don't remember the last time that was the case, so my mind keeps saying that I should be in a 24/26, but that's not totally the case. It wasn't a science before, but now it's all over the place. I did go this afternoon to a Catherine's outlet store. I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes, since I just don't know what size to buy and I'll say it again - I definitely do NOT want to spend a lot of money! So, I left empty-handed, but have become friendly with one of the employees, so we chatted for a bit and that was nice. The same has been true for all of my shopping escapades of late. It turns into one big frustrating mess! I'm going to wind up naked before I know it - and nobody wants to see that!
I had a appointment in the town where I grew up, so met some friends for lunch afterwards. In talking with one of my friends she asked where I wanted to go. I haven't lived there in over 20 years, so I'm not entirely sure what the options were. In talking with her, I said that breakfast is easy for me, since I can just order eggs. We decided on a place. When I walked in, all I saw were booths. In the past, this was fear-inducing. Will I fit? Will I be able to breathe? Will my belly wind up hanging onto the table? Will people stare? Last week, though - no problem! Plus, inches to spare! For anyone who's struggled with obesity that's a huge accomplishment (no pun intended). Part of me can't wait to go to our local diner. I haven't been there in many months and I'm eager to just sit down and not have to request a table - that's awfully embarrassing... or even more embarrassing is them asking if a booth is ok. This is one check in the "win" box!
Another great thing about that lunch is that I haven't seen these women in over 2 years. It was wonderful catching up in person and not just via Facebook posts and messages or texts. But, while they know this is the path I'm on now, I haven't posted any recent photographs, so I was almost giddy at their reactions. I know, it still falls under the "water-off-a-duck's-back" concept, but it was still really nice to hear. Like my doctor/surgeon says, I'm with me everyday. It's only those who don't see me for a long stretch who will really notice.
I'd been slacking a bit with exercise, but also found myself unhappy with my weight loss numbers. I'm the only one who can change that, so I sucked up the pain (to a certain level - I still have to listen to my body) and hopped back on that bike. With having a TV in that room, I can stream shows and movies through amazon prime and not have to pay for an additional FiOS box. At this point, I'm doing about 7 miles in between 23-26 minutes. I have yet to put on that bathing suit and jump into the pool for water aerobics. With my mood all over the place I am not finding the energy to get up and at 'em in time. Hence my time on the bike (plus I don't have to leave the house - huge bonus some days).
Jewelry is also an issue for larger or obese women. It's not something I'd considered before it became an issue. Necklaces don't fit properly and if they do, they become chokers when they're not meant to be. I also kept having to get a larger and larger band to wear as a wedding ring. One Christmas, hubby got my original rings sized. I cried because it was the best gift. It made me feel normal again (if that makes sense). Now those rings are getting loose. Because of the heat, they aren't in danger of falling off, but I have to keep a eye on them so I don't lose them once the weather cools. Also, out of curiosity I tried on my college ring and wouldn't you know it fit? Such an amazing feeling. I still weigh (probably) 70 lbs more than I did then, but the fact that I could get it on and not have to cut if off was another win! I won't be wearing it anytime soon, but I moved the infinity ring hubs got me for Christmas to another finger so I could get used to it there and be prepared to wear my college ring again! Woo hoo!
This may sound really odd to someone who hasn't had the experience of losing significant weight, particularly when it's rapid, but skin starts to sag. It's not pretty, but it's all part of the journey. Well, I noticed the other day that my arm flab was less taut than it used to be. Yes, that's right, I'm having skin sag! It's hard to explain it, but it's a good feeling. I'm trying not to think about skin surgery so early in my journey, but it's something I may consider down the road, depending on the condition of my body when all's said and done. Insurance doesn't typically pay for it because they see it as cosmetic so it would create a rather sizable financial burden. At the same time, having this skin issue could create other problems, medical problems. One thing at a time, though. It was just exciting that there was some evidence I was able to see!
Now, this last one is still a source of anxiety for me. In a couple of months, we are going on vacation. The dietitian said to cross that hurdle when I come to it, but it's still a big uncertainty. Food is usually a big part of vacation. You get to eat out and have some foods you would otherwise avoid (have you heard of funnel fries -- YUM!). But this year will be vastly different. I don't want the Mr. to miss out on the yummy things they have there. I also treat myself to a drink or two while we're on vacation and that's a big no-no. I'll work around it and the dietitian will coach me before we go so I have ideas for restaurants. I have the protein bars, some of which are actually delicious. I can take stuff down to make protein shakes. I just don't want to be limited to chicken for all of my restaurant meals. I do know of one place with amazing scallops; they just can't be sauteed because of the butter. But I'm sure they will grill or broil, just like the steakhouse for hubby's birthday.
I know this has been a crazy-long post and thank you if you made it all the way through. Please forgive any disjointedness or typos but I've been writing like crazy to not delay this any longer and to make sure I didn't forget anything. I know there have been people who have expressed interest in this blog and how they have found support through it or are considering the surgery and want to read more. I can't tell you how much that means to you. Part of the reason I decided to make this blog public was to help even one person. Please, please, please, ask questions! You can bet I'll be honest. Heck, at this point it's all on the table anyway. Also, don't hesitate to join the site; you'll get an alert when I post in the event that I forget to put in on FB. You can find it in a blue box on the right side, below all of my profile info and right about "followers."
Well, hopefully things will get less eventful, although every day finds something new - a new food my tastebuds like and my body agrees with (or the opposite), or what exercise has been working and what may be causing some unnecessary pain. I'll also try to check in more often so you don't feel like you've just finished reading a bad novel by the time you reach the end.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Day 27 and Moodiness Abounds (Not to Mention Some Serious Anxiety)
I won't be weighing again until tomorrow, but I felt like I had to write.
I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out. This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult. I'm not exactly sure why. I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food. There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites. I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy! I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them! I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.
I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods. I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left. But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is scary. I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure). Can I eat veggies? Will my pouch allow meat? What about eating out? Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat. I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies. But what can I eat? What should I eat? What will I eat? Will it be accepted by my sleeve?
I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit. I wasall mostly ready to go to water aerobics. Yesterday Keith and I went and checked out the gym so I knew where I was going, etc. I got halfway there and realized that I didn't have the lock for a locker. I wasn't about to leave my keys and wallet in an unsecured locker. Well, I got home and was SO frustrated. I admit that I was angry, thinking that Keith was the last one to touch it and he must have put it somewhere and that I didn't know where it was. Please, forgive me Keith. My anger was unfounded. I went again to check the bedroom and found the lock tucked in the quilt folds. I felt like such an idiot. My anger was for nothing and had I looked closer, I would have found it and been able to start water aerobics. Wednesday I know I won't be able to go for the class (which is fine; I can always go and walk the pool). The days I have afternoon appointments will be difficult to do the class, but somehow I have to make it work. Hey, I'll (probably) be starting at the 4 week mark. That's not half bad, huh??
That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already. I'm so ticked off! I can't handle going deeper into the darkness. I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two. I started out with this stupid mental illness. I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear. I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure). Now I feel like I'm back where I started.
What the heck is going on? I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned. I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies. I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen. The doctor visits. The tests. The clearances. The liquid diet - twice. The pureed diet. Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow. If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that. I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect. I NEED to be successful. This is the final attempt to get this fat off. I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know I've rambled about this emotion thing. It's just such a big part of who I am. I return to my food/eating therapist this week. We'll see how that goes..... Thanks again!
I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out. This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult. I'm not exactly sure why. I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food. There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites. I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy! I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them! I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.
I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods. I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left. But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is scary. I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure). Can I eat veggies? Will my pouch allow meat? What about eating out? Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat. I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies. But what can I eat? What should I eat? What will I eat? Will it be accepted by my sleeve?
I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit. I was
That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already. I'm so ticked off! I can't handle going deeper into the darkness. I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two. I started out with this stupid mental illness. I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear. I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure). Now I feel like I'm back where I started.
What the heck is going on? I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned. I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies. I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen. The doctor visits. The tests. The clearances. The liquid diet - twice. The pureed diet. Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow. If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that. I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect. I NEED to be successful. This is the final attempt to get this fat off. I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know I've rambled about this emotion thing. It's just such a big part of who I am. I return to my food/eating therapist this week. We'll see how that goes..... Thanks again!
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Just a Few Days Left
Well, here we are. Surgery is in 5 days!!! Ahhhhhhhh!
I've been on a liquid diet since last Tuesday and have to go through next Monday (obviously I can't eat or drink the day of surgery). Let me tell you - this is HARD! The first few days I was cranky as cranky gets! I needed to CHEW something. NOW! My poor husband :( Well, I went back to the paperwork and saw that I can have Jell-O! Now there's something I can sink my teeth into - literally! Let me tell you, I've gone through a lot of Jell-O, but it has kept me from causing anyone physical harm. Ah, the power of Jell-O!
I had my pre-op appointment a few weeks back and loaded them with questions. They say that they love it, but I can't help but question what it's like being burdened down with questions and if that hinders their schedule, etc. It's me, being an idiot, being overly sensitive, being overly considerate. I've been told that I have to take care of me and that I'm worth their time. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Haha ( you'll see why I laugh at that soon enough).
I've learned so much about nutrition and reading specific things on food labels in the past few months. This will be an uphill battle. I'm not ignorant to that fact. We will be taking a LOAD of stuff to the local food bank because I'm not strong enough to have it in the house and not eat it. I can't go to the grocery store at this point because even the smells from the bakery will have me wanting to give up on the whole surgery (ok, so maybe that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea).
I'm having protein drinks every 3-4 hours and trying my darndest to get in my 64 oz of water. The thing is, I'm trying to perfect the art of "sipping" pre-op so it won't be such a transition afterwards. Who knew sipping was an art? I'm thankful that my program allows the use of straws, which is a variable among programs. My doc's program told me (I asked specifically) that there is no definitive research to prove they provide a risk. I know there are other programs who prohibit their use. While it's going to make it difficult to get in 64 oz (which doesn't include the protein shake... BOO!), sipping also makes it very difficult to get down all of my meds (the list seems endless) and supplements/vitamins. Some of the supplements are ordered by the bariatric surgeon; others I take because they're healthy or one specifically I take to prevent or slow down macular degeneration which is now in 2 generations of my family. Well, my psych meds are a must - I absolutely, 100%, no question cannot miss those! There are also my meds for blood pressure. The cholesterol med isn't necessary for the day of surgery, nor are many of the others.
So, I guess that's the latest in the wonderful word of the hippopotamus. Now, as the world of bariatrics says: I'm getting ready to climb onto the loser's bench.
I've been on a liquid diet since last Tuesday and have to go through next Monday (obviously I can't eat or drink the day of surgery). Let me tell you - this is HARD! The first few days I was cranky as cranky gets! I needed to CHEW something. NOW! My poor husband :( Well, I went back to the paperwork and saw that I can have Jell-O! Now there's something I can sink my teeth into - literally! Let me tell you, I've gone through a lot of Jell-O, but it has kept me from causing anyone physical harm. Ah, the power of Jell-O!
I had my pre-op appointment a few weeks back and loaded them with questions. They say that they love it, but I can't help but question what it's like being burdened down with questions and if that hinders their schedule, etc. It's me, being an idiot, being overly sensitive, being overly considerate. I've been told that I have to take care of me and that I'm worth their time. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Haha ( you'll see why I laugh at that soon enough).
I've learned so much about nutrition and reading specific things on food labels in the past few months. This will be an uphill battle. I'm not ignorant to that fact. We will be taking a LOAD of stuff to the local food bank because I'm not strong enough to have it in the house and not eat it. I can't go to the grocery store at this point because even the smells from the bakery will have me wanting to give up on the whole surgery (ok, so maybe that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea).
I'm having protein drinks every 3-4 hours and trying my darndest to get in my 64 oz of water. The thing is, I'm trying to perfect the art of "sipping" pre-op so it won't be such a transition afterwards. Who knew sipping was an art? I'm thankful that my program allows the use of straws, which is a variable among programs. My doc's program told me (I asked specifically) that there is no definitive research to prove they provide a risk. I know there are other programs who prohibit their use. While it's going to make it difficult to get in 64 oz (which doesn't include the protein shake... BOO!), sipping also makes it very difficult to get down all of my meds (the list seems endless) and supplements/vitamins. Some of the supplements are ordered by the bariatric surgeon; others I take because they're healthy or one specifically I take to prevent or slow down macular degeneration which is now in 2 generations of my family. Well, my psych meds are a must - I absolutely, 100%, no question cannot miss those! There are also my meds for blood pressure. The cholesterol med isn't necessary for the day of surgery, nor are many of the others.
So, I guess that's the latest in the wonderful word of the hippopotamus. Now, as the world of bariatrics says: I'm getting ready to climb onto the loser's bench.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Pondering
I've been pondering this blog post for awhile now. In fact I'm not entirely sure what I want to say and what not to say.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
Friday, March 13, 2015
There is no title.....
I'm at a loss. Really, a total loss - and not the weight kind. My emotional eating has taken me back up to the weight I was when I started Weight Watchers (and maybe a little more, but I haven't gotten on the scale in a couple of weeks).
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Isolation
Isolation. Think about it. Isolation. What thought comes to mind? How does it make you feel? How do you define isolation? Dictionary.com defines it as "separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary."
Now, what image comes to mind when you hear the word? Is it positive? My guess is no. Do you envision a homeless person begging for food in the subway? Is it a garden or plantation? Is it someone working at a winery getting grapes? Is it a dog or cat home alone while it's family is not home? How about a person in the middle of a plantation harvesting fruits or vegetables? A person living in the tundra in Alaska? I think you need to reign in your thinking.
I am isolated. Go back and slowly say the word. Ice-o-lay-shun. A middle-class woman who is the parent to 2 kitties (Tori and Bert) and 2 pups (Casey and Poly). I am married with a whose husband is a successful Senior Systems Engineer - read computer geek. I'm not sure you didn't picture me. But it is true. It is one component to depression. It is also something which breeds depression. My depression. The monster has returned making my desire to eat junk food (when I actually want to eat) multiply by dozens.
What does it mean for me? It means that I can go days without even talking with anyone other than my husband and usually my Mom. I spend a lot of time having conversations with my computer and my dogs. I mean a LOT of time. When my hubby is here, I still talk to the screen. At least he talks with the dogs as well. When he hears me whispering to seemingly no one I have to remind him that I personify isolation and am not used to having someone home. Conversations take place mainly on the phone. Even those are few and far between and I usually have to initiate.
So, how does isolation look like? For me, it means I EAT! Now that I'm doing Weight Watchers, the not eating thing/healthy eating isvery hard nearly impossible. Why do I look like a hippopotamus? Because I spend the day snacking. Also, hubster and I eat in front of the television. We all know that is a super bad idea. We basically train ourselves by pairing TV and food. (sorry, that's my psychology degree coming out) It boils down to telling ourselves that we should eat when in the living room. It's not good. The hub and I did it when I worked, and if that wasn't bad enough, now that I'm not working I have the television on most of the time which - you guessed it - means that my brain tells my body that I'm hungry. I feel like I have hundreds of tests and doctor appointments which all seem to lead to more appointments and more tests. I've noticed that when I'm at an appointment I talk and I talk a lot! Human contact. It's vital.
Isolation + food = hippopotamus. Isolation + Weight Watchers = hunger. I get a little cranky when I'm hungry. Add to it having virtually no contact with human beings during the day I want to pig out! We are buying unsweetened applesauce in bulk. It counts as "free" points. Fruit and veggies are FREE (at least as Weight Watchers is concerned. I am finding that I have a problem using all of my daily points - and I really need to do that! I will spend them at the end of the day with junk food. Yeah, that's not part of the plan.
Now that I've brought up WW I'll let you in... I'm down 8.2 lbs since 6/22, averaging 2 lbs each week. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I have to admit, it's frustrating. I do try to look at the big picture. I lost 26 lbs between September and February/March. The whole loss is great (it isn't simple math because I did gain some of those 26 lbs back. Overall, I'm down 32.4 lbs.
I was totally against counting anything help to lose weight. Counting isn't natural. Hubster joined WW before me and went over some of it and now that I've started I think it's a great plan. I did WW when I was younger - a couple of times, in fact - and have always had success. Most of the time I was on the go, so went to the meetings to get weighed and then rushed out. That meant that the online program is just right. It's obviously been success for me so far. Sure it hasn't been long, but I'm headed in the right direction.
Ok, I'm off to enjoy some good diner food. I have about half of my daily points left and about half of my weekly points, too, so I can splurge a bit. I see french toast in my future!
Now, what image comes to mind when you hear the word? Is it positive? My guess is no. Do you envision a homeless person begging for food in the subway? Is it a garden or plantation? Is it someone working at a winery getting grapes? Is it a dog or cat home alone while it's family is not home? How about a person in the middle of a plantation harvesting fruits or vegetables? A person living in the tundra in Alaska? I think you need to reign in your thinking.
I am isolated. Go back and slowly say the word. Ice-o-lay-shun. A middle-class woman who is the parent to 2 kitties (Tori and Bert) and 2 pups (Casey and Poly). I am married with a whose husband is a successful Senior Systems Engineer - read computer geek. I'm not sure you didn't picture me. But it is true. It is one component to depression. It is also something which breeds depression. My depression. The monster has returned making my desire to eat junk food (when I actually want to eat) multiply by dozens.
What does it mean for me? It means that I can go days without even talking with anyone other than my husband and usually my Mom. I spend a lot of time having conversations with my computer and my dogs. I mean a LOT of time. When my hubby is here, I still talk to the screen. At least he talks with the dogs as well. When he hears me whispering to seemingly no one I have to remind him that I personify isolation and am not used to having someone home. Conversations take place mainly on the phone. Even those are few and far between and I usually have to initiate.
So, how does isolation look like? For me, it means I EAT! Now that I'm doing Weight Watchers, the not eating thing/healthy eating is
Isolation + food = hippopotamus. Isolation + Weight Watchers = hunger. I get a little cranky when I'm hungry. Add to it having virtually no contact with human beings during the day I want to pig out! We are buying unsweetened applesauce in bulk. It counts as "free" points. Fruit and veggies are FREE (at least as Weight Watchers is concerned. I am finding that I have a problem using all of my daily points - and I really need to do that! I will spend them at the end of the day with junk food. Yeah, that's not part of the plan.
Now that I've brought up WW I'll let you in... I'm down 8.2 lbs since 6/22, averaging 2 lbs each week. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I have to admit, it's frustrating. I do try to look at the big picture. I lost 26 lbs between September and February/March. The whole loss is great (it isn't simple math because I did gain some of those 26 lbs back. Overall, I'm down 32.4 lbs.
I was totally against counting anything help to lose weight. Counting isn't natural. Hubster joined WW before me and went over some of it and now that I've started I think it's a great plan. I did WW when I was younger - a couple of times, in fact - and have always had success. Most of the time I was on the go, so went to the meetings to get weighed and then rushed out. That meant that the online program is just right. It's obviously been success for me so far. Sure it hasn't been long, but I'm headed in the right direction.
Ok, I'm off to enjoy some good diner food. I have about half of my daily points left and about half of my weekly points, too, so I can splurge a bit. I see french toast in my future!
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
General Musings...
First off, a grand HELLO to all of you and please know that I feel blessed you have taken time out of your day to hear my musings. So, let's get started!
I know this isn't new, but it is a self-esteem buster if ever I knew one. Plus size. You know the term. It's the size given to those clothes that are just too big to don mannequins. It's a term whose definition has changed over the years. It's a size I've worn for a long time (read: decades). When I got married at 135 lbs on my 5'5" frame I was wearing "those" clothes. There's something humiliating about the term. It indicates that you have "plus" what society says you ought to. Should it affect self-esteem or be humiliating? Of course not. If you're totally confident with your body, then no, you should have absolutely no problem walking into Lane Bryant and coming out with a bag - not responding to the looks and comments by telling others you are buying something "for a friend" or "as a gift."
I've been shopping the "fat" stores for... well... pretty much my entire life. Years and years ago, I plumped up to a size larger than what they have in stores. An aside: don't you love the terms people use to be PC about someone who's fat? Plump. Heavy. Overweight. Put on a few extra pounds. Big girl. There are too many of them to count. Ok, back to my original thought. A couple of days ago, I was talking with a very dear friend of mine. She lives several hours away from me so she sent a picture of herself to me wearing an outfit she needed for an event. She's a stay-at-home-Mom of a toddler (she has a wonderful blog) and has no clothes for professional meetings. We got into a discussion about how absurd it is for these stores touting themselves as being for a "Woman" (I think of one store with this as part of their name) start their sizes at 12. 12!
Not to beat a dead horse, but I was a 12/14 at 135 lbs. You had to know that I'd add a wedding picture! I felt the most beautiful at our wedding! It also gives a touch of my Disney side - we entered our reception with these guys on our heads. Hubby's is a bit hard to see but it's a top hap with ears. The picture on the right is from our honeymoon (in Disney, specifically the Yacht Club) and gives a slightly better view of my bod back in 1995.
I have probably said (a zillion times) how I've struggled with weight my entire life. Doctors said needed to lose weight. The famous "charts" showed me as overweight. Has anyone ever actually seen these charts? I did Weight Watchers and Nutri-System with my Mom. She was doing what she thought best from what the doctors had told her. She is a smart woman, an RN, but weight issues aren't her area of expertise. The term "childhood obesity" wasn't used back then. I was "heavier" than most people/girls in my grade, so I was automatically labeled "the fat kid." I look at pictures from my childhood and would just about kill for that body (even if I could go back to that age and look the same). I was no Kate Moss, I was no model, I had a burger and milkshake sometimes Gosh, do you think everyone and their uncle calling me overweight affected my self-esteem? It couldn't possibly be contributing to my food and weight issues today, could it? I get angry every time I think about it!
Whoa, I am getting distracted more than usual today. Now back to my friend. She is in between the "regular" stores and the "fat" ones. How is it that the size 12 girl (to be clear I do not know what size my friend is) can't just walk into any store she desires to find clothes? Is it necessary to send her into the abyss that is the "fat" store? Fortunately my friend isn't embarrassed by this. Fortunately my friend found something to wear. Gone are the days of "fatties" wearing a muumuu, thankfully. That doesn't make it ok to force a size 12 to enter a store that caters to size 26... Yes, I do realize that stores have "plus size" areas, some stores do carry size 12 as well as a size 2, and that I'm making generalizations. Before anyone reams me about this, I'm trying to make a point!
The entire population of the world has, no doubt, heard the stats about Marilyn Monroe being what is considered certainly what today's standards consider "Hollywood" worthy. See this article from the files of snopes.com. Conversely we have the beloved Barbie. I found multiple sites I'd like to link to. The first is titled "Barbie as a real woman is anatomically impossible and would have to walk on all fours, chart shows " The second, The 'average' doll v Barbie (from BBC NEWS MAGAZINE MONITOR), shows what "real life" dolls would appear with Barbie's measurements. The final link I want to share is this one, which I find impressive, dare I saw inspiring. You'll have to click on it to see what I'm talking about.
I know this isn't new, but it is a self-esteem buster if ever I knew one. Plus size. You know the term. It's the size given to those clothes that are just too big to don mannequins. It's a term whose definition has changed over the years. It's a size I've worn for a long time (read: decades). When I got married at 135 lbs on my 5'5" frame I was wearing "those" clothes. There's something humiliating about the term. It indicates that you have "plus" what society says you ought to. Should it affect self-esteem or be humiliating? Of course not. If you're totally confident with your body, then no, you should have absolutely no problem walking into Lane Bryant and coming out with a bag - not responding to the looks and comments by telling others you are buying something "for a friend" or "as a gift."
I've been shopping the "fat" stores for... well... pretty much my entire life. Years and years ago, I plumped up to a size larger than what they have in stores. An aside: don't you love the terms people use to be PC about someone who's fat? Plump. Heavy. Overweight. Put on a few extra pounds. Big girl. There are too many of them to count. Ok, back to my original thought. A couple of days ago, I was talking with a very dear friend of mine. She lives several hours away from me so she sent a picture of herself to me wearing an outfit she needed for an event. She's a stay-at-home-Mom of a toddler (she has a wonderful blog) and has no clothes for professional meetings. We got into a discussion about how absurd it is for these stores touting themselves as being for a "Woman" (I think of one store with this as part of their name) start their sizes at 12. 12!
Not to beat a dead horse, but I was a 12/14 at 135 lbs. You had to know that I'd add a wedding picture! I felt the most beautiful at our wedding! It also gives a touch of my Disney side - we entered our reception with these guys on our heads. Hubby's is a bit hard to see but it's a top hap with ears. The picture on the right is from our honeymoon (in Disney, specifically the Yacht Club) and gives a slightly better view of my bod back in 1995..jpg&container=blogger&gadget=a&rewriteMime=image%2F*){kind=link}
I have probably said (a zillion times) how I've struggled with weight my entire life. Doctors said needed to lose weight. The famous "charts" showed me as overweight. Has anyone ever actually seen these charts? I did Weight Watchers and Nutri-System with my Mom. She was doing what she thought best from what the doctors had told her. She is a smart woman, an RN, but weight issues aren't her area of expertise. The term "childhood obesity" wasn't used back then. I was "heavier" than most people/girls in my grade, so I was automatically labeled "the fat kid." I look at pictures from my childhood and would just about kill for that body (even if I could go back to that age and look the same). I was no Kate Moss, I was no model, I had a burger and milkshake sometimes Gosh, do you think everyone and their uncle calling me overweight affected my self-esteem? It couldn't possibly be contributing to my food and weight issues today, could it? I get angry every time I think about it!
Whoa, I am getting distracted more than usual today. Now back to my friend. She is in between the "regular" stores and the "fat" ones. How is it that the size 12 girl (to be clear I do not know what size my friend is) can't just walk into any store she desires to find clothes? Is it necessary to send her into the abyss that is the "fat" store? Fortunately my friend isn't embarrassed by this. Fortunately my friend found something to wear. Gone are the days of "fatties" wearing a muumuu, thankfully. That doesn't make it ok to force a size 12 to enter a store that caters to size 26... Yes, I do realize that stores have "plus size" areas, some stores do carry size 12 as well as a size 2, and that I'm making generalizations. Before anyone reams me about this, I'm trying to make a point!
The entire population of the world has, no doubt, heard the stats about Marilyn Monroe being what is considered certainly what today's standards consider "Hollywood" worthy. See this article from the files of snopes.com. Conversely we have the beloved Barbie. I found multiple sites I'd like to link to. The first is titled "Barbie as a real woman is anatomically impossible and would have to walk on all fours, chart shows " The second, The 'average' doll v Barbie (from BBC NEWS MAGAZINE MONITOR), shows what "real life" dolls would appear with Barbie's measurements. The final link I want to share is this one, which I find impressive, dare I saw inspiring. You'll have to click on it to see what I'm talking about.
While it is discussed in most references to these stats, I would be remiss if forgetting to mention the way Barbie affects women, specifically as it relates to eating disorders. The articles above will touch on this and I think it would be wise to take heed to this and apply the positive implications it offers to the girls in your life. Start early!
Shockingly I got side-tracked... again... Maybe the best thing for me to do is to let you ponder all of this. How does the term "plus size" affect you? Do you find it embarrassing to buy clothes at stores advertising that they sell "fat" clothes, if you do fall into that category? What are your feelings about using "fat" and "fatty?" Do you stare at people who are obese, maybe thinking that you're better than... that at least you aren't "that" size? How do you feel about women, such as myself, who have to shop via catalog, no longer fitting into the "Woman" stores?
Please, share your opinions. Start discussions. Think!
As an added after-comment: I have no idea whatsoever how to get rid of the few lines with a white background. I've spent a ton of time working on it. Rather than let it drive me even more insane, I'm going to (try to) go with it. Apologies.
As an added after-comment: I have no idea whatsoever how to get rid of the few lines with a white background. I've spent a ton of time working on it. Rather than let it drive me even more insane, I'm going to (try to) go with it. Apologies.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Have you ever just opened a bag of chocolate chips...
Have you ever just opened a bag of chocolate chips because you craved chocolate and it was the only thing in the house? Yeah, that's where I'm at. There is a bag of candy in the fridge, but it belongs to Keith. Ok,, sure I've had a little bit of it - who wouldn't? But I'm not going to gorge myself on it.
I did have a small-ish dinner last night... only one piece of meatloaf and some mashed potatoes. Neither of us felt like messing with the fresh green beans. I know, I know, that's no good but I tire easily and Keith, well, he does so much around the house; I'm very blessed!
We're waiting for a new leash to come in (it's on order now). It's called the Wacky Walkr (yep, that's how it's spelled) and it's supposed to help with pulling. The pulling really aggravates the arthritis in my back. Once it comes in (along with the "Crazy Coupler" - which you can see on the site), I'm hoping I can take the dogs out for walks; short walks to start and working up to longer ones.
Whoopsie.... I just noticed that I had posted the above on my other blog! It's A Tale of Two Dogs and certainly those readers don't want to hear about my chocolate chip dilemma! If you'd like to read it, please, link to the above and it will take you right there.
As I mentioned, my therapist is out for a number of weeks. I met with his colleague last week, and will again tomorrow. She's quite nice and understanding about my feelings on my doc being out, which is nice. I was afraid that she'd think I was crazy to be "mourning" this time without him.
I saw a doctor on Friday. First thing when I sat down in his office I noticed a scale. "No big deal" I thought; perhaps he's keeping track of his own weight or some odd thing like that. No. It seems new insurance regulations require that he take height, weight, blood pressure and pulse at each appointment. And, since everything has switched over to medical records he can't get away without doing it. Now, my Mom works in a doc's office and said that they are required to enter 3 vitals into the system. Who knows....? In any event, having eaten breakfast and lunch before my appointment and being fully dressed except for my shoes, I weighed 7 lbs more than I last did at home (when I'm undressed and haven't yet eaten). Either way, though, it's 7 lbs and was quite a shocker to see, let alone for anyone else to see. I don't talk numbers with my weight, I just don't!
Ok, well, if you're reading my blog(s), please join so you can get an email when I make a new post! Also, I'd love to hear your comments!! Is there anything you'd like to talk about or read about? Let me know!!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Life
Life holds many things, some of which are positive and some of which are negative. If I'm going to reveal some things about myself, I'm not only fat, I'll share that I suffer from bipolar disorder and have a number of physical problem which are unrelated to my weight (not to mention those which *are* weight-related).
So, my life now holds a membership to the Y. For several weeks at the end of the year I was talking water aerobic classes. Being in a bathing suit is not thrilling, but being in the water is far better for my body than trying to workout in the gym. I did lose 16 lbs, but haven't been in weeks and gained back 4 of those lbs.
Life also holds a house full of critters - 2 large dogs and 2 cats. I haven't been able to walk the dogs due to the abuse on my body from the pulling but we've ordered a new leash (the Wacky Walk'r) which is supposed to buffer that pressure. We also got the related Crazy Coupler so that I'm only holding onto one leash and the dogs can't get tangled. We'll see how this works.
Food. This really deserves a post all of its own, but I'll just say that I have a sweet tooth which is absolutely destroying me. My eating habits have gotten pretty bad - not only do I crave chocolate, but I totally have an addiction to carbs. These things aren't the best way to enjoy food if I'm going to lose weight.
I need to lose about 150 lbs, although I'll settle for 120 (from this point, so on top of what I've already lost). As I said in another post, I've considered lap-band surgery. I don't want to do gastric bypass, but it seems like lap-band is a reasonable alternative.
This is my life as it stands now. Ironically, I'm off to go have some tortellini for dinner.
So, my life now holds a membership to the Y. For several weeks at the end of the year I was talking water aerobic classes. Being in a bathing suit is not thrilling, but being in the water is far better for my body than trying to workout in the gym. I did lose 16 lbs, but haven't been in weeks and gained back 4 of those lbs.
Life also holds a house full of critters - 2 large dogs and 2 cats. I haven't been able to walk the dogs due to the abuse on my body from the pulling but we've ordered a new leash (the Wacky Walk'r) which is supposed to buffer that pressure. We also got the related Crazy Coupler so that I'm only holding onto one leash and the dogs can't get tangled. We'll see how this works.
Food. This really deserves a post all of its own, but I'll just say that I have a sweet tooth which is absolutely destroying me. My eating habits have gotten pretty bad - not only do I crave chocolate, but I totally have an addiction to carbs. These things aren't the best way to enjoy food if I'm going to lose weight.
I need to lose about 150 lbs, although I'll settle for 120 (from this point, so on top of what I've already lost). As I said in another post, I've considered lap-band surgery. I don't want to do gastric bypass, but it seems like lap-band is a reasonable alternative.
This is my life as it stands now. Ironically, I'm off to go have some tortellini for dinner.
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