I often hear the statement "you must feel SO much better." Wow, define "better" if you would, please. Do I have a stamina for physical activity I lacked at 326 pounds? Without a doubt! Do I feel less ashamed by my appearance, especially when meeting new people or seeing people I haven't seen for years? For sure! Am I relieved to not be the proverbial (and literal, it felt like) elephant in the room while being totally invisible all at the same time? You bet!
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
Showing posts with label personal trainer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal trainer. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Time Marches On...
I can't believe it happened - again! I've gone months and seemingly ignored this blog, although I haven't forgotten about it! Honest!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
I was incredibly concerned about food at Disney. It's always been one of our favorite things about our Disney vacations (this was my 13th trip; it was our 9th trip together, including our "Disneymoon"). We got the text that our room was ready and it turns out we'd been upgraded to "Club" (aka: concierge) Level. You know what that means? Free food! It also meant that we walked out onto our balcony the first night at the Wilderness Lodge after a long day at 2 different parks, and watched the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle. We were downright giddy! We'd also been eligible for the Free Dining promotion they offered. We weren't going to pay for the dining plan; I simply don't eat that much, but it was free, so we grabbed on! I tried some new foods and did well until the last day when I tried a few too many new things in one day and my sleeve rebelled (I vomited). Other than that, I did quite well. I even lost weight because of all the walking we do at Disney. It was an extraordinary vacation! We still enjoyed some great food, we had the upgrade, we were at our favorite place on Earth (the adult-exclusive beach, called Serenity Bay, at Disney's private island, Castaway Cay where we floated on mats in the clear ocean and just hung out talking - all the while our backs getting burnt, as we were laying on our stomachs), and we were on a phenomenal new ride, Seven Dwarfs Mine Train, during the nighttime fireworks. And those were just the highlights!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
59 weeks on 7/11/17
Wow, is it seriously Summer?? And how did I go so long between posts?
Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.
I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery. So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like? I'll tell you, it's not easy. I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully! The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week. I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.
So there I was. Stuck in the hospital. Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus. Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix. Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time! But I survived. I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission. My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian. Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!
Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week. Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).
Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand. Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two). A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery. More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all. It would seriously interfere with my training. After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.
Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy. Ugh! I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here. I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality. Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much. I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation. I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home. Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap. We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes. They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too! This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work. Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure! It's something, right?
Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May. He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...
When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home. Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?). By nighttime I was famished! Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries. Blah. There is only so much of one food a person can have. At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull. Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes. I had to mix it up. Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous. And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies. It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months. Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet. It took a bit, but I've given them up. I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!
My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding. Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture). I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture. Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence. For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall. But I forgot them...grrrr! At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)
It's a funny thing. When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice. Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look. It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see. I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me. But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent. I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging. Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time! At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.
The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery. He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment. My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal. I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him. Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift! Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight. Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get. Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!
Vacation... we're going to Disney World!! This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical! We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days. Food is going to be very different from past trips. In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there. So many options, so many yummy options! This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick. It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit! GASP! What? Yes, a bathing suit. I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route. I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.
I'm on a super supportive bariatric site. I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out. I admit, it's upsetting. Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers. It was something I needed to hear. Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s. None of these things add up to quick weight-loss. I've also been inconsistent with my workouts. I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses. Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it! It's still part of the self-hatred, though.... Hey, what can I do but work on it?
Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer. I'll also try to post more often.
Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.
I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery. So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like? I'll tell you, it's not easy. I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully! The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week. I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.
So there I was. Stuck in the hospital. Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus. Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix. Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time! But I survived. I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission. My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian. Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!
Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week. Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).
Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand. Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two). A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery. More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all. It would seriously interfere with my training. After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.
Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy. Ugh! I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here. I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality. Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much. I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation. I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home. Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap. We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes. They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too! This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work. Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure! It's something, right?
Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May. He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...
When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home. Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?). By nighttime I was famished! Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries. Blah. There is only so much of one food a person can have. At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull. Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes. I had to mix it up. Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous. And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies. It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months. Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet. It took a bit, but I've given them up. I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!
My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding. Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture). I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture. Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence. For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall. But I forgot them...grrrr! At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)
It's a funny thing. When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice. Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look. It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see. I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me. But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent. I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging. Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time! At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.
The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery. He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment. My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal. I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him. Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift! Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight. Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get. Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!
Vacation... we're going to Disney World!! This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical! We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days. Food is going to be very different from past trips. In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there. So many options, so many yummy options! This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick. It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit! GASP! What? Yes, a bathing suit. I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route. I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.
I'm on a super supportive bariatric site. I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out. I admit, it's upsetting. Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers. It was something I needed to hear. Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s. None of these things add up to quick weight-loss. I've also been inconsistent with my workouts. I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses. Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it! It's still part of the self-hatred, though.... Hey, what can I do but work on it?
Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer. I'll also try to post more often.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Surviving the Holidays After Bariatric Surgery
Yeah, this is a difficult one. I've held off on writing it, unsure how to really convey this experience to anyone outside of the bariatric world.
Thanksgiving
This was probably the easiest of them all. My sleeve handles turkey. I made a special cranberry sauce using low-sugar Craisins, as well as a pumpkin pie. The sauce was pretty yummy. I am not a fan of cranberry sauce, especially since I grew up with cranberry mousse (aka: the pink stuff), which is one of the most delicious things on Earth. But I put this over my turkey and, while I still had to have the "pink stuff" pass by me, I held off. This got me through Thanksgiving mostly unscathed.
Christmas
1) This was a different story. We did Christmas three (!!) times. We went to my in-laws' before Christmas. It was somewhat simple again because of having turkey. But then came the cookies. Ohh, the cookies. I had to leave the room. They were simply too difficult to resist. I mean Christmas cookie? Who doesn't love them?
2) Dinner at my parents' was ... far more difficult. One of my favorite things was prime rib, not just because it's yummy, but because it meant one thing: Yorkshire pudding (a recipe from my Grandfather who was French and lived in England -- our crepe recipe is from him, too, but I digress...). Yorkshire pudding is indescribable. I've had it other places, but it's different. You know how it is; once you have a specific recipe made by a specific person, nothing ever compares. There was also the pink stuff. Since my sleeve doesn't tolerate beef well (even filet), I brought chicken salad made with Greek yogurt, to which I added those low-sugar Craisins leftover from Thanksgiving, and something called Protein Birthday Bites in lieu of cookies. But the cookie tray still passed...and those around me enjoyed every bite. My Mom has made countless batches of cookies each year. She stopped for a number of years, but started again this year and went full-force. Some of those which made me drool were Bon-Bons, Chocolate Crinkles, Candy Canes, Snickerdoodles.... I have to stop. Now, my Mom's theory has always been that Christmas cookies are ONLY for Christmas, so never made any other time of the year (except sometimes I would get them for my birthday if I was extra good). This makes them extra-special. That makes me extra-upset at missing them. The good news is that I was able to see my brother and nephews who have spent much of their lives living out of the country and it's always great to see them!
3) Brunch/Lunch ... when coming up with a menu, my Mom asked what I could have, as she was getting sandwiches. She made me egg salad (from 2 eggs and with light mayo) and I had some veggies and hummus. Again the cookies came out. Again I found myself passing around incredibly tempting foods. Again I held firm.
This may not be the best motivation to keep that "willpower" (I don't really like that word, but that's another story) but I don't want to puke. I know that if I eat the wrong thing or eat too much, that is always a chance. I have already gotten nauseated and was certain I was going to vomit, but thankfully did not, from various and sundry foods. The latest is water. I used to LOVE water. Seriously - it was all I drank. To mix it up, I've been doing Crystal Light and when I tried water this past weekend, I couldn't stomach it. One sip and I knew. That's it for water - at least until I'm brave enough to try it again.
One of my favorite dinners of late is turkey burgers. My Aunt made these when we visited in September and they're extraordinary. I'm sure you're thinking something to the effect of "YUCK, BLAH, turkey burgers!" But seriously, I don't think we've done beef since! We get the high grade (98%?) organic ground turkey, throw in a teensy bit of bread crumbs (just to hold it together), locatelli cheese, a few spices, and the extra special ingredient - FRESH basil. These burgers are extraordinary! Hubby adds some deli cheese and grills them a little longer, but I don't like cheeseburgers, so that's never been an option. Now that it's cold out, we throw them on the Foreman Grill and they are just as tasty!
I have been super lax with my exercise. The bike became complicated because of Poly (our difficult child) and I haven't had the energy to walk the pups, so I've not been doing much of anything in that area. But, my friend Janet keeps her own blog and her most recent entry kicked my rear into gear! That said, I've already tried the Y and gave up. I also tried LA Fitness and gave up - once I wasn't doing the water aerobics anymore, I was out. A huge room filled with machines spikes my anxiety through to roof and I'm super intimidated. So, after reading Janet's blog, I took the bull by the horns joined a small gym. With that came 2 sessions with a trainer. Needless to say I scheduled the first one immediately. The guy is nice! I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. He wasn't some gym-rat, arrogant, steroid-pumped guy. So I scheduled my second session. Of course I got a migraine, but I actually rescheduled and went back. And then I went for a third time and I'm going again on Monday! I need the accountability. Being a small gym, there aren't a ton of people there at once - at least at the hour I go. The people that are there are also into their music or what's on the TV at their machine. That said, I can't make any kind of agreement to meet someone there. Also, since I'm on disability, I also don't run into a lot of middle-agers late morning/early afternoon. While the people there seem very nice, they seem to want to get in, do their thing, and get out. I know that I need the accountability. I also can't afford to get injured and fear that I'll wind up screwing something up, use a machine wrong and wind up needing a zillion surgeries with only a slim hope of ever walking again. Ok, ok, yes I'm aware that I'm exaggerating - to the extreme - but I can't get hurt if it's preventable. The poor guy has tried to help me up from one of the machines that has me almost sitting on the ground (and pressing up with my legs). I finally told him "I'm stubborn" when I didn't take his help for the umpteenth time. He replied "I'm chivalrous." Truth be told, I realized that I'm not used to my body. I'm used to it taking 2 men to help me get up when I fall. The next time I was on that machine after having that epiphany, I told him. It's another one of those weird phenomena that people who haven't been morbidly obese can't explain.
I want to touch on something quickly. It's a general misconception. Someone dear to us told hubby that he needs to "catch up" (he needs to lose some weight), but that he has to do it the hard way. She was totally well-meaning and I'm not saying anything against her personally (in case she's reading this)! The thing is, this IS hard! It's far more difficult than any other attempts I've made at weight loss. I can't cheat without serious consequences. I can't have "just one" Christmas cookie or "just one bite" of pasta. I'm on a load of vitamins and supplements and will be forever. It's imperative that I drink 64 oz every.single.day. I cannot drink that for the 30 minutes after I finish eating. I have to get 60-80 grams of protein in every day. That protein has to come first. Veggies come after protein. Fruit comes after that. Even then, with being limited to 800 calories, I can't have much. I have to take 25-30 minutes to eat. I am to eat 4 oz (approx 1/4 cup or the size of your palm) over the course of that 30 minute period. There is nothing easy about this. It was major surgery, one which nearly killed me at first attempt. It required months of doctor appointments, tests, and clearances. And that was the easy part! This is not a cure for obesity! This is not a surgery you have and then go back to your old habits. This is the most life-changing thing I've ever done...EVER! So, please don't ever tell a bariatric patient that they've taken the easy way out! Sorry, rant over.
So, progress....
I've stalled a little bit and since reaching that goal, I've wavered between about 198 and 195, but I'm still below 200 and I'll take it!!! I'm sure my workouts will help boost that number down more quickly and hopefully with no stalls!
One of the things my group of friends in the bariatric world focuses on is non-scale victories. It's not all about the numbers! I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself from earlier posts but I can cross my legs! Heck, I cross them all the time, simply because I can! Shirts I have never been able to wear (I'm thinking specifically of shirts I got in Disney World but they never fit) are now big! I nearly skipped a jean size and am wearing jeans which nearly fall down right now. The next size down is still a little snug, though. I can just about fit a small farm animal between my gut and my steering wheel! It was snug before (and that's being generous). I had to have a CT done and put on the "fat gown" (as I've always called it...at least since I had to start wearing it) and it was enormous! I mean, I wasn't even able to tie it because one end was inside the gown and the other side was outside, so I might as well have been naked since I would have been almost totally exposed. I also had to have an MRI (unrelated) and I FIT! It was about 4 years ago when they last tried to put me in an MRI machine. I've always found an open bore one or used a special facility where you sit "in" the machine so it's on either side of you. Sure, that was a bit tight, but it was supposed to be so you don't move. Anyway, they were scanning my knee, so I had to go in sort of far and I made it - they were able to just hit the button and not stand and watch to see if I can go in without getting stuck!
I want to add, for the record, that I wrote the first half of this post right after New Years. Monday or Tuesday of this week I wrote the rest, hit save, and then it disappeared! My frustration told me to give up, go to bed, and try again... but then life got crazy so I didn't get to it again until now. I'm just praying it all posts!!!
Thanksgiving
This was probably the easiest of them all. My sleeve handles turkey. I made a special cranberry sauce using low-sugar Craisins, as well as a pumpkin pie. The sauce was pretty yummy. I am not a fan of cranberry sauce, especially since I grew up with cranberry mousse (aka: the pink stuff), which is one of the most delicious things on Earth. But I put this over my turkey and, while I still had to have the "pink stuff" pass by me, I held off. This got me through Thanksgiving mostly unscathed.
Christmas
1) This was a different story. We did Christmas three (!!) times. We went to my in-laws' before Christmas. It was somewhat simple again because of having turkey. But then came the cookies. Ohh, the cookies. I had to leave the room. They were simply too difficult to resist. I mean Christmas cookie? Who doesn't love them?
2) Dinner at my parents' was ... far more difficult. One of my favorite things was prime rib, not just because it's yummy, but because it meant one thing: Yorkshire pudding (a recipe from my Grandfather who was French and lived in England -- our crepe recipe is from him, too, but I digress...). Yorkshire pudding is indescribable. I've had it other places, but it's different. You know how it is; once you have a specific recipe made by a specific person, nothing ever compares. There was also the pink stuff. Since my sleeve doesn't tolerate beef well (even filet), I brought chicken salad made with Greek yogurt, to which I added those low-sugar Craisins leftover from Thanksgiving, and something called Protein Birthday Bites in lieu of cookies. But the cookie tray still passed...and those around me enjoyed every bite. My Mom has made countless batches of cookies each year. She stopped for a number of years, but started again this year and went full-force. Some of those which made me drool were Bon-Bons, Chocolate Crinkles, Candy Canes, Snickerdoodles.... I have to stop. Now, my Mom's theory has always been that Christmas cookies are ONLY for Christmas, so never made any other time of the year (except sometimes I would get them for my birthday if I was extra good). This makes them extra-special. That makes me extra-upset at missing them. The good news is that I was able to see my brother and nephews who have spent much of their lives living out of the country and it's always great to see them!
3) Brunch/Lunch ... when coming up with a menu, my Mom asked what I could have, as she was getting sandwiches. She made me egg salad (from 2 eggs and with light mayo) and I had some veggies and hummus. Again the cookies came out. Again I found myself passing around incredibly tempting foods. Again I held firm.
This may not be the best motivation to keep that "willpower" (I don't really like that word, but that's another story) but I don't want to puke. I know that if I eat the wrong thing or eat too much, that is always a chance. I have already gotten nauseated and was certain I was going to vomit, but thankfully did not, from various and sundry foods. The latest is water. I used to LOVE water. Seriously - it was all I drank. To mix it up, I've been doing Crystal Light and when I tried water this past weekend, I couldn't stomach it. One sip and I knew. That's it for water - at least until I'm brave enough to try it again.
One of my favorite dinners of late is turkey burgers. My Aunt made these when we visited in September and they're extraordinary. I'm sure you're thinking something to the effect of "YUCK, BLAH, turkey burgers!" But seriously, I don't think we've done beef since! We get the high grade (98%?) organic ground turkey, throw in a teensy bit of bread crumbs (just to hold it together), locatelli cheese, a few spices, and the extra special ingredient - FRESH basil. These burgers are extraordinary! Hubby adds some deli cheese and grills them a little longer, but I don't like cheeseburgers, so that's never been an option. Now that it's cold out, we throw them on the Foreman Grill and they are just as tasty!
I have been super lax with my exercise. The bike became complicated because of Poly (our difficult child) and I haven't had the energy to walk the pups, so I've not been doing much of anything in that area. But, my friend Janet keeps her own blog and her most recent entry kicked my rear into gear! That said, I've already tried the Y and gave up. I also tried LA Fitness and gave up - once I wasn't doing the water aerobics anymore, I was out. A huge room filled with machines spikes my anxiety through to roof and I'm super intimidated. So, after reading Janet's blog, I took the bull by the horns joined a small gym. With that came 2 sessions with a trainer. Needless to say I scheduled the first one immediately. The guy is nice! I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. He wasn't some gym-rat, arrogant, steroid-pumped guy. So I scheduled my second session. Of course I got a migraine, but I actually rescheduled and went back. And then I went for a third time and I'm going again on Monday! I need the accountability. Being a small gym, there aren't a ton of people there at once - at least at the hour I go. The people that are there are also into their music or what's on the TV at their machine. That said, I can't make any kind of agreement to meet someone there. Also, since I'm on disability, I also don't run into a lot of middle-agers late morning/early afternoon. While the people there seem very nice, they seem to want to get in, do their thing, and get out. I know that I need the accountability. I also can't afford to get injured and fear that I'll wind up screwing something up, use a machine wrong and wind up needing a zillion surgeries with only a slim hope of ever walking again. Ok, ok, yes I'm aware that I'm exaggerating - to the extreme - but I can't get hurt if it's preventable. The poor guy has tried to help me up from one of the machines that has me almost sitting on the ground (and pressing up with my legs). I finally told him "I'm stubborn" when I didn't take his help for the umpteenth time. He replied "I'm chivalrous." Truth be told, I realized that I'm not used to my body. I'm used to it taking 2 men to help me get up when I fall. The next time I was on that machine after having that epiphany, I told him. It's another one of those weird phenomena that people who haven't been morbidly obese can't explain.
I want to touch on something quickly. It's a general misconception. Someone dear to us told hubby that he needs to "catch up" (he needs to lose some weight), but that he has to do it the hard way. She was totally well-meaning and I'm not saying anything against her personally (in case she's reading this)! The thing is, this IS hard! It's far more difficult than any other attempts I've made at weight loss. I can't cheat without serious consequences. I can't have "just one" Christmas cookie or "just one bite" of pasta. I'm on a load of vitamins and supplements and will be forever. It's imperative that I drink 64 oz every.single.day. I cannot drink that for the 30 minutes after I finish eating. I have to get 60-80 grams of protein in every day. That protein has to come first. Veggies come after protein. Fruit comes after that. Even then, with being limited to 800 calories, I can't have much. I have to take 25-30 minutes to eat. I am to eat 4 oz (approx 1/4 cup or the size of your palm) over the course of that 30 minute period. There is nothing easy about this. It was major surgery, one which nearly killed me at first attempt. It required months of doctor appointments, tests, and clearances. And that was the easy part! This is not a cure for obesity! This is not a surgery you have and then go back to your old habits. This is the most life-changing thing I've ever done...EVER! So, please don't ever tell a bariatric patient that they've taken the easy way out! Sorry, rant over.
So, progress....
Now, I had hubby take a picture in front of the Christmas tree, but the outfit wasn't terribly flattering, so I decided against using it, but I have earned putting my "One-derland" charm on the chain with my "Loser's Bench" - see? I'll try to take another picture soon.
I've stalled a little bit and since reaching that goal, I've wavered between about 198 and 195, but I'm still below 200 and I'll take it!!! I'm sure my workouts will help boost that number down more quickly and hopefully with no stalls!
One of the things my group of friends in the bariatric world focuses on is non-scale victories. It's not all about the numbers! I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself from earlier posts but I can cross my legs! Heck, I cross them all the time, simply because I can! Shirts I have never been able to wear (I'm thinking specifically of shirts I got in Disney World but they never fit) are now big! I nearly skipped a jean size and am wearing jeans which nearly fall down right now. The next size down is still a little snug, though. I can just about fit a small farm animal between my gut and my steering wheel! It was snug before (and that's being generous). I had to have a CT done and put on the "fat gown" (as I've always called it...at least since I had to start wearing it) and it was enormous! I mean, I wasn't even able to tie it because one end was inside the gown and the other side was outside, so I might as well have been naked since I would have been almost totally exposed. I also had to have an MRI (unrelated) and I FIT! It was about 4 years ago when they last tried to put me in an MRI machine. I've always found an open bore one or used a special facility where you sit "in" the machine so it's on either side of you. Sure, that was a bit tight, but it was supposed to be so you don't move. Anyway, they were scanning my knee, so I had to go in sort of far and I made it - they were able to just hit the button and not stand and watch to see if I can go in without getting stuck!
I want to add, for the record, that I wrote the first half of this post right after New Years. Monday or Tuesday of this week I wrote the rest, hit save, and then it disappeared! My frustration told me to give up, go to bed, and try again... but then life got crazy so I didn't get to it again until now. I'm just praying it all posts!!!
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