Two years ago yesterday, my life changed. Two years ago yesterday, I took my biggest step in this very long journey. Two years ago yesterday, I did something some people think is the "easy" way out. Two years ago yesterday, I had bariatric surgery. I had a sleeve gastrectomy.
In the months between my initial appointment and my surgery date, I thought things were the most difficult they'd get. I had multiple appointments each week for tests and clearances, not to mention a couple of very large health scares. I didn't know it then, but that was just the beginning of this roller coaster... a roller coaster I'd ride again and wish I rode years prior.
I'm going to take the lead of a friend of mine who also had the sleeve surgery and talk about what I miss since surgery.
I miss pasta, rice, and bread (and oh boy do I!).
I miss ice cream (although Halo Top is pretty darn good).
I miss fast food - because sometimes you just want some fries and a Frosty.
I miss beef (because my sleeve doesn't tolerate it well), but a good burger or a nice filet sound really yummy, especially as we enter grilling season.
But I also have a list of things I don't miss...
I don't miss dreading my PCP's office calling with lab results, only to learn my blood sugar is pre-diabetic and my triglycerides and cholesterol are high.
I don't miss being embarrassed meeting new people and ashamed when I went with my husband to a work function.
I don't miss thinking how I'd like to do something (like going to the mountains to see waterfalls, for instance), but knowing that it wasn't feasible because I didn't have the physical stamina.
I don't miss having to skip rides at Disney because I didn't fit (or not trying because I was worried I wouldn't and couldn't bear that embarrassment).
I don't miss people asking if I was pregnant. This one was especially painful as a woman unable to bear children.
I don't miss being the most obvious, most stared-at person in the room, while simultaneously being the most invisible.
I don't miss being given the once-over at the airport to determine if I need to buy an extra seat.
I don't miss needing to ask for a seat belt extender when I did fly.
I don't miss getting winded walking up a flight of stairs.
I don't miss being forced to shop online because I wore a size too large to be carried in stores.
I don't miss needing to catch my breath after bending over to tie my shoes.
I don't miss being treated as sub-human, being ignored, and being talked "at."
I don't miss not being able to take my dogs for a walk.
I don't miss dreading the sight of a restaurant booth,.
I don't miss having to squeeze into the the drivers side of the car or an airplane seat.
I don't miss my C-PAP machine!
I don't miss taking 2 different blood pressure medications.
I don't miss people making judgments of me based solely on my size.
I don't miss people offering hugs to others but not to me (obesity is not contagious!).
I don't miss doctors dismissing very real and unrelated symptoms, blaming them on my weight.
*these lists are not by any means exhaustive, just limited by my current brain shutdown.
The list of things I miss...those are all tangible. But most of the things I don't miss are the opposite - they can't be held or touched or bought. They are intangible and they weren't going away unless I lost the weight.
On another note, 7 weeks ago today I had my panniculectomy. I saw the surgeon on Monday and he is pleased with how I'm healing. He said I don't have to return for 6 weeks, which about sent me into shock. I've seen him at least every week or two for the past 7 weeks. I think I'm going to have withdrawal!
I also saw my bariatric surgeon this week. While the 5 lbs of skin removed during my panniculectomy would have put me at half of my highest weight, I remain the same weight I was the day of surgery (I suspect due to fluid retention...that, and not being able to workout). I'm a stubborn woman (although the word tenacious is so much nicer, isn't it?) and will get to that 163 lb mark so I can officially be half of my former self. It just may take some time to do it because I'm slightly less strict with my diet than I was a year ago. However, the bariatric surgeon said that he wishes all of his patients were as successful as I've been, since I've maintained my weight within about 5 pounds for the past year.
You've come to learn that I'm very open about my journey and want to help out anyone I can. Please don't hesitate to share my blog if you know someone considering surgery or who has had surgery (either bariatric or skin removal).
Thanks for taking the time to read this!
Showing posts with label medication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medication. Show all posts
Friday, May 25, 2018
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Cancelled Surgery and My Mood
It's not easy to admit, but my mood has taken a real hit since surgery was cancelled. This process has been very difficult for me for reasons I'm choosing not to reveal in such an open forum. Suffice it to say, having to delay it has really affected me. I feel more depressed and sometimes that means I want to eat emotionally - which is never veggies, I can tell you that!
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
59 weeks on 7/11/17
Wow, is it seriously Summer?? And how did I go so long between posts?
Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.
I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery. So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like? I'll tell you, it's not easy. I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully! The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week. I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.
So there I was. Stuck in the hospital. Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus. Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix. Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time! But I survived. I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission. My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian. Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!
Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week. Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).
Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand. Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two). A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery. More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all. It would seriously interfere with my training. After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.
Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy. Ugh! I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here. I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality. Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much. I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation. I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home. Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap. We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes. They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too! This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work. Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure! It's something, right?
Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May. He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...
When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home. Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?). By nighttime I was famished! Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries. Blah. There is only so much of one food a person can have. At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull. Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes. I had to mix it up. Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous. And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies. It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months. Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet. It took a bit, but I've given them up. I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!
My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding. Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture). I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture. Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence. For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall. But I forgot them...grrrr! At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)
It's a funny thing. When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice. Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look. It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see. I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me. But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent. I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging. Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time! At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.
The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery. He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment. My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal. I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him. Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift! Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight. Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get. Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!
Vacation... we're going to Disney World!! This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical! We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days. Food is going to be very different from past trips. In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there. So many options, so many yummy options! This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick. It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit! GASP! What? Yes, a bathing suit. I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route. I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.
I'm on a super supportive bariatric site. I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out. I admit, it's upsetting. Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers. It was something I needed to hear. Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s. None of these things add up to quick weight-loss. I've also been inconsistent with my workouts. I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses. Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it! It's still part of the self-hatred, though.... Hey, what can I do but work on it?
Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer. I'll also try to post more often.
Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.
I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery. So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like? I'll tell you, it's not easy. I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully! The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week. I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.
So there I was. Stuck in the hospital. Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus. Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix. Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time! But I survived. I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission. My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian. Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!
Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week. Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).
Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand. Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two). A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery. More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all. It would seriously interfere with my training. After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.
Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy. Ugh! I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here. I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality. Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much. I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation. I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home. Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap. We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes. They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too! This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work. Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure! It's something, right?
Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May. He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...
When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home. Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?). By nighttime I was famished! Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries. Blah. There is only so much of one food a person can have. At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull. Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes. I had to mix it up. Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous. And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies. It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months. Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet. It took a bit, but I've given them up. I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!
My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding. Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture). I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture. Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence. For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall. But I forgot them...grrrr! At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)
It's a funny thing. When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice. Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look. It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see. I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me. But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent. I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging. Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time! At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.
The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery. He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment. My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal. I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him. Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift! Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight. Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get. Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!
Vacation... we're going to Disney World!! This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical! We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days. Food is going to be very different from past trips. In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there. So many options, so many yummy options! This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick. It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit! GASP! What? Yes, a bathing suit. I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route. I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.
I'm on a super supportive bariatric site. I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out. I admit, it's upsetting. Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers. It was something I needed to hear. Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s. None of these things add up to quick weight-loss. I've also been inconsistent with my workouts. I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses. Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it! It's still part of the self-hatred, though.... Hey, what can I do but work on it?
Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer. I'll also try to post more often.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
New Experiences - 46 Days Out (this number has changed many times as I continue to write, and write, and write....)
Wow, this has been a crazy time! I'm sorry I've neglected this for so long. I started to write a couple of weeks ago, but then... well... life just got in the way.
Where to start?
Part of the delay was some pain I'm having. It's all along the left side of my abdomen and the LRNP said that it wasn't pain I should be having at this stage, so I had an unexpected visit downtown. Thankfully hubby was able to take off. She (the LRNP) said that it's unlikely the pain is surgery-related, but they ordered a few tests just to see if they can determine what is causing it. I'm waiting on the results of one; the other required a pre-cert and I didn't get the info to schedule until it was too late, so I'll be calling for that appointment on Monday. I do hope they figure this out! Actually, just today (Saturday), hubby and I were out running some errands and wandering the mall - I haven't been able to walk the mall in years. I realized I could go to Chick-fil-A and get grilled nuggets. I got the 8-piece, but could only finish 5. I'll know to get the children's portion next time. Then I had to wait 30 minutes to drink, which about killed me. On top of that, I had my ongoing clothing frustrations (more about that below) and I was having some arthritis pain (you don't spend much time being morbidly obese before your body rebels!). We left to head to our main destination, and one of my absolute favorite stores - The Container Store!!!!! Unfortunately the abdominal pain increased dramatically, almost out of the blue, so hubby knew something was wrong when I wanted to leave there... and not even stop at Target on the way home. So here I sit, protein shake in next to me, typing away.
Now, I had my first experience at a restaurant. I was super anxious. A few days prior I had a hamburger and it didn't sit well. Dinner was planned for hubby's birthday and my parents were taking us to a steak and seafood restaurant. I called the dietitian in a hurry! She pulled up the menu on her computer and we went through the menu over the phone (did I mention how wonderful she is?). I assumed I'd get the scallop appetizer, but the menu didn't make it as straight-forward as it used to be; I also never paid attention before and it is a sauteed dish, therefore cooked in butter - a big no-no. We worked together to figure out a plan and a few days later, we headed down to my folks'.
The day came and I feltsomewhat not-at-all prepared. I have a letter from my surgeon saying that I've had an operation and that I should be permitted to order a lesser amount of food (off the children's menu, if need be) for a proportionate cost. I was armed going into the restaurant. My parents go here often, so they have a favorite server and asked for her. While we were being seated, my father graciously took the server aside and advised her of my situation. She was wonderful and told me to order what I want/need from the menu and the chef would make it work. I did get the scallops, grilled, along with some asparagus. I wasn't able to finish the 4 scallops, so by bariatric "law" (of my program), I didn't have any of the veggie. I love vegetables, so this is killing me! But rules dictate that I eat my 3 oz of protein before I have my ounce of veggie. And I held firm to the rules.
Major Eating/Lifestyle Changes:
I had my first session with my food/eating therapist since surgery. She's a real cheerleader for me and my journey and reminds me all the time how far I've come and how much I'm doing to follow the strict rules. I don't take compliments terribly well, so it's a bit like water-off-a-duck's-back, but she knows that. I had the same experience with my psychiatrist earlier this week. I've always been hard on myself, so it's not something new. The only person on my mental health team who has supported me throughout the entire process is my psychologist. (the food therapist is new). The psychiatrists I've seen in the past (especially the one I saw for the longest time - 9 years, I think) would have just set up another appointment and said they'd see me after surgery. All 3 of these people wanted to know as soon as possible how surgery went. My psychiatrist was really happy - surprised even - that hubby emailed her not long after the surgery was over. She thanked me/him for that and I thanked her for caring enough to ask. I haven't even been seeing her a year and she's done everything to encourage me and support this process. When I talked of the financial hardship of seeing a second therapist, she didn't think twice and told me to see her less often if that would help. She's there by email and phone if I need her.
I had an appt at the neurologist's office and talked with her about decreasing doses on some of the meds they have me on for my migraines, because they can also be used for psych purposes. They are older meds and have a greater chance to cause weight gain - working against what I'm working to do! In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I am cutting one of the biggest offenders in half (to start) and the other I take 1200 mg 3x/day and that is being cut to 900 mg 3x/day. I hope to be off my cholesterol med by the Fall, and even though my psychiatrist added back in one med (I went off it due to a variety of screw-ups) I can just pray that she will take me off the one I currently take once I'm up to a therapeutic dose.
Clothes: I'm finally starting to find myself shrinking out of clothes. I was so frustrated being stuck in the same size clothes as 50 lbs ago! But just within the past 1-2 weeks I've noticed that my shirts are sliding down my shoulders and my bra straps are showing. That hasn't been the case in nearly forever! My old body had a fairly basic pound to size ratio. When I was 310 lbs, I wore a 30/32. I'm under 250 - oh right... did I mention that I'm UNDER 250 ???? I don't remember the last time that was the case, so my mind keeps saying that I should be in a 24/26, but that's not totally the case. It wasn't a science before, but now it's all over the place. I did go this afternoon to a Catherine's outlet store. I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes, since I just don't know what size to buy and I'll say it again - I definitely do NOT want to spend a lot of money! So, I left empty-handed, but have become friendly with one of the employees, so we chatted for a bit and that was nice. The same has been true for all of my shopping escapades of late. It turns into one big frustrating mess! I'm going to wind up naked before I know it - and nobody wants to see that!
I had a appointment in the town where I grew up, so met some friends for lunch afterwards. In talking with one of my friends she asked where I wanted to go. I haven't lived there in over 20 years, so I'm not entirely sure what the options were. In talking with her, I said that breakfast is easy for me, since I can just order eggs. We decided on a place. When I walked in, all I saw were booths. In the past, this was fear-inducing. Will I fit? Will I be able to breathe? Will my belly wind up hanging onto the table? Will people stare? Last week, though - no problem! Plus, inches to spare! For anyone who's struggled with obesity that's a huge accomplishment (no pun intended). Part of me can't wait to go to our local diner. I haven't been there in many months and I'm eager to just sit down and not have to request a table - that's awfully embarrassing... or even more embarrassing is them asking if a booth is ok. This is one check in the "win" box!
Another great thing about that lunch is that I haven't seen these women in over 2 years. It was wonderful catching up in person and not just via Facebook posts and messages or texts. But, while they know this is the path I'm on now, I haven't posted any recent photographs, so I was almost giddy at their reactions. I know, it still falls under the "water-off-a-duck's-back" concept, but it was still really nice to hear. Like my doctor/surgeon says, I'm with me everyday. It's only those who don't see me for a long stretch who will really notice.
I'd been slacking a bit with exercise, but also found myself unhappy with my weight loss numbers. I'm the only one who can change that, so I sucked up the pain (to a certain level - I still have to listen to my body) and hopped back on that bike. With having a TV in that room, I can stream shows and movies through amazon prime and not have to pay for an additional FiOS box. At this point, I'm doing about 7 miles in between 23-26 minutes. I have yet to put on that bathing suit and jump into the pool for water aerobics. With my mood all over the place I am not finding the energy to get up and at 'em in time. Hence my time on the bike (plus I don't have to leave the house - huge bonus some days).
Jewelry is also an issue for larger or obese women. It's not something I'd considered before it became an issue. Necklaces don't fit properly and if they do, they become chokers when they're not meant to be. I also kept having to get a larger and larger band to wear as a wedding ring. One Christmas, hubby got my original rings sized. I cried because it was the best gift. It made me feel normal again (if that makes sense). Now those rings are getting loose. Because of the heat, they aren't in danger of falling off, but I have to keep a eye on them so I don't lose them once the weather cools. Also, out of curiosity I tried on my college ring and wouldn't you know it fit? Such an amazing feeling. I still weigh (probably) 70 lbs more than I did then, but the fact that I could get it on and not have to cut if off was another win! I won't be wearing it anytime soon, but I moved the infinity ring hubs got me for Christmas to another finger so I could get used to it there and be prepared to wear my college ring again! Woo hoo!
This may sound really odd to someone who hasn't had the experience of losing significant weight, particularly when it's rapid, but skin starts to sag. It's not pretty, but it's all part of the journey. Well, I noticed the other day that my arm flab was less taut than it used to be. Yes, that's right, I'm having skin sag! It's hard to explain it, but it's a good feeling. I'm trying not to think about skin surgery so early in my journey, but it's something I may consider down the road, depending on the condition of my body when all's said and done. Insurance doesn't typically pay for it because they see it as cosmetic so it would create a rather sizable financial burden. At the same time, having this skin issue could create other problems, medical problems. One thing at a time, though. It was just exciting that there was some evidence I was able to see!
Now, this last one is still a source of anxiety for me. In a couple of months, we are going on vacation. The dietitian said to cross that hurdle when I come to it, but it's still a big uncertainty. Food is usually a big part of vacation. You get to eat out and have some foods you would otherwise avoid (have you heard of funnel fries -- YUM!). But this year will be vastly different. I don't want the Mr. to miss out on the yummy things they have there. I also treat myself to a drink or two while we're on vacation and that's a big no-no. I'll work around it and the dietitian will coach me before we go so I have ideas for restaurants. I have the protein bars, some of which are actually delicious. I can take stuff down to make protein shakes. I just don't want to be limited to chicken for all of my restaurant meals. I do know of one place with amazing scallops; they just can't be sauteed because of the butter. But I'm sure they will grill or broil, just like the steakhouse for hubby's birthday.
I know this has been a crazy-long post and thank you if you made it all the way through. Please forgive any disjointedness or typos but I've been writing like crazy to not delay this any longer and to make sure I didn't forget anything. I know there have been people who have expressed interest in this blog and how they have found support through it or are considering the surgery and want to read more. I can't tell you how much that means to you. Part of the reason I decided to make this blog public was to help even one person. Please, please, please, ask questions! You can bet I'll be honest. Heck, at this point it's all on the table anyway. Also, don't hesitate to join the site; you'll get an alert when I post in the event that I forget to put in on FB. You can find it in a blue box on the right side, below all of my profile info and right about "followers."
Well, hopefully things will get less eventful, although every day finds something new - a new food my tastebuds like and my body agrees with (or the opposite), or what exercise has been working and what may be causing some unnecessary pain. I'll also try to check in more often so you don't feel like you've just finished reading a bad novel by the time you reach the end.
Where to start?
Part of the delay was some pain I'm having. It's all along the left side of my abdomen and the LRNP said that it wasn't pain I should be having at this stage, so I had an unexpected visit downtown. Thankfully hubby was able to take off. She (the LRNP) said that it's unlikely the pain is surgery-related, but they ordered a few tests just to see if they can determine what is causing it. I'm waiting on the results of one; the other required a pre-cert and I didn't get the info to schedule until it was too late, so I'll be calling for that appointment on Monday. I do hope they figure this out! Actually, just today (Saturday), hubby and I were out running some errands and wandering the mall - I haven't been able to walk the mall in years. I realized I could go to Chick-fil-A and get grilled nuggets. I got the 8-piece, but could only finish 5. I'll know to get the children's portion next time. Then I had to wait 30 minutes to drink, which about killed me. On top of that, I had my ongoing clothing frustrations (more about that below) and I was having some arthritis pain (you don't spend much time being morbidly obese before your body rebels!). We left to head to our main destination, and one of my absolute favorite stores - The Container Store!!!!! Unfortunately the abdominal pain increased dramatically, almost out of the blue, so hubby knew something was wrong when I wanted to leave there... and not even stop at Target on the way home. So here I sit, protein shake in next to me, typing away.
Now, I had my first experience at a restaurant. I was super anxious. A few days prior I had a hamburger and it didn't sit well. Dinner was planned for hubby's birthday and my parents were taking us to a steak and seafood restaurant. I called the dietitian in a hurry! She pulled up the menu on her computer and we went through the menu over the phone (did I mention how wonderful she is?). I assumed I'd get the scallop appetizer, but the menu didn't make it as straight-forward as it used to be; I also never paid attention before and it is a sauteed dish, therefore cooked in butter - a big no-no. We worked together to figure out a plan and a few days later, we headed down to my folks'.
The day came and I felt
Major Eating/Lifestyle Changes:
- stop drinking 15 minutes before eating
- take at a minimum, 30 minutes to eat (preferably more with the amount of nausea I've had); because of this, I've gotten used to finishing my meals cold.
- eat 4 oz meals, getting 60-80 oz of protein in daily (historically, people in my specific program have had a higher rate of success with having a protein shake/bar for one meal per day). It may not be logical, but different doctors/programs have different rules - both pre-op and post-op. It's not like removing a gall bladder or fixing a torn ligament.
- as I mentioned before, I am now permitted 1 oz of veggies and 3 oz of protein, but the protein must, must, must come first. Greek yogurt is an excellent source of protein so a number of the bariatric recipes I have include that as an ingredient, or I'll just have a cup of cherry (or whatever) and it has 12(!!!) grams of protein.
- meals should be between 3-4 hours apart
- do not drink until 30 minutes after eating (this one has been the most difficult, I think... we're all so used to drinking throughout our meals, so to not pick up my glass until 30 minutes after I'm through is an enormous change -- try it... it's HARD!)
- it is absolutely necessary to get in 64 oz - at the very least 50 oz - of water/Crystal Light (something with no caffeine, no sugar and non-carbonated) daily; dehydration is the number one reason for people to be re-admitted following surgery
I had my first session with my food/eating therapist since surgery. She's a real cheerleader for me and my journey and reminds me all the time how far I've come and how much I'm doing to follow the strict rules. I don't take compliments terribly well, so it's a bit like water-off-a-duck's-back, but she knows that. I had the same experience with my psychiatrist earlier this week. I've always been hard on myself, so it's not something new. The only person on my mental health team who has supported me throughout the entire process is my psychologist. (the food therapist is new). The psychiatrists I've seen in the past (especially the one I saw for the longest time - 9 years, I think) would have just set up another appointment and said they'd see me after surgery. All 3 of these people wanted to know as soon as possible how surgery went. My psychiatrist was really happy - surprised even - that hubby emailed her not long after the surgery was over. She thanked me/him for that and I thanked her for caring enough to ask. I haven't even been seeing her a year and she's done everything to encourage me and support this process. When I talked of the financial hardship of seeing a second therapist, she didn't think twice and told me to see her less often if that would help. She's there by email and phone if I need her.
I had an appt at the neurologist's office and talked with her about decreasing doses on some of the meds they have me on for my migraines, because they can also be used for psych purposes. They are older meds and have a greater chance to cause weight gain - working against what I'm working to do! In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I am cutting one of the biggest offenders in half (to start) and the other I take 1200 mg 3x/day and that is being cut to 900 mg 3x/day. I hope to be off my cholesterol med by the Fall, and even though my psychiatrist added back in one med (I went off it due to a variety of screw-ups) I can just pray that she will take me off the one I currently take once I'm up to a therapeutic dose.
Clothes: I'm finally starting to find myself shrinking out of clothes. I was so frustrated being stuck in the same size clothes as 50 lbs ago! But just within the past 1-2 weeks I've noticed that my shirts are sliding down my shoulders and my bra straps are showing. That hasn't been the case in nearly forever! My old body had a fairly basic pound to size ratio. When I was 310 lbs, I wore a 30/32. I'm under 250 - oh right... did I mention that I'm UNDER 250 ???? I don't remember the last time that was the case, so my mind keeps saying that I should be in a 24/26, but that's not totally the case. It wasn't a science before, but now it's all over the place. I did go this afternoon to a Catherine's outlet store. I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes, since I just don't know what size to buy and I'll say it again - I definitely do NOT want to spend a lot of money! So, I left empty-handed, but have become friendly with one of the employees, so we chatted for a bit and that was nice. The same has been true for all of my shopping escapades of late. It turns into one big frustrating mess! I'm going to wind up naked before I know it - and nobody wants to see that!
I had a appointment in the town where I grew up, so met some friends for lunch afterwards. In talking with one of my friends she asked where I wanted to go. I haven't lived there in over 20 years, so I'm not entirely sure what the options were. In talking with her, I said that breakfast is easy for me, since I can just order eggs. We decided on a place. When I walked in, all I saw were booths. In the past, this was fear-inducing. Will I fit? Will I be able to breathe? Will my belly wind up hanging onto the table? Will people stare? Last week, though - no problem! Plus, inches to spare! For anyone who's struggled with obesity that's a huge accomplishment (no pun intended). Part of me can't wait to go to our local diner. I haven't been there in many months and I'm eager to just sit down and not have to request a table - that's awfully embarrassing... or even more embarrassing is them asking if a booth is ok. This is one check in the "win" box!
Another great thing about that lunch is that I haven't seen these women in over 2 years. It was wonderful catching up in person and not just via Facebook posts and messages or texts. But, while they know this is the path I'm on now, I haven't posted any recent photographs, so I was almost giddy at their reactions. I know, it still falls under the "water-off-a-duck's-back" concept, but it was still really nice to hear. Like my doctor/surgeon says, I'm with me everyday. It's only those who don't see me for a long stretch who will really notice.
I'd been slacking a bit with exercise, but also found myself unhappy with my weight loss numbers. I'm the only one who can change that, so I sucked up the pain (to a certain level - I still have to listen to my body) and hopped back on that bike. With having a TV in that room, I can stream shows and movies through amazon prime and not have to pay for an additional FiOS box. At this point, I'm doing about 7 miles in between 23-26 minutes. I have yet to put on that bathing suit and jump into the pool for water aerobics. With my mood all over the place I am not finding the energy to get up and at 'em in time. Hence my time on the bike (plus I don't have to leave the house - huge bonus some days).
Jewelry is also an issue for larger or obese women. It's not something I'd considered before it became an issue. Necklaces don't fit properly and if they do, they become chokers when they're not meant to be. I also kept having to get a larger and larger band to wear as a wedding ring. One Christmas, hubby got my original rings sized. I cried because it was the best gift. It made me feel normal again (if that makes sense). Now those rings are getting loose. Because of the heat, they aren't in danger of falling off, but I have to keep a eye on them so I don't lose them once the weather cools. Also, out of curiosity I tried on my college ring and wouldn't you know it fit? Such an amazing feeling. I still weigh (probably) 70 lbs more than I did then, but the fact that I could get it on and not have to cut if off was another win! I won't be wearing it anytime soon, but I moved the infinity ring hubs got me for Christmas to another finger so I could get used to it there and be prepared to wear my college ring again! Woo hoo!
This may sound really odd to someone who hasn't had the experience of losing significant weight, particularly when it's rapid, but skin starts to sag. It's not pretty, but it's all part of the journey. Well, I noticed the other day that my arm flab was less taut than it used to be. Yes, that's right, I'm having skin sag! It's hard to explain it, but it's a good feeling. I'm trying not to think about skin surgery so early in my journey, but it's something I may consider down the road, depending on the condition of my body when all's said and done. Insurance doesn't typically pay for it because they see it as cosmetic so it would create a rather sizable financial burden. At the same time, having this skin issue could create other problems, medical problems. One thing at a time, though. It was just exciting that there was some evidence I was able to see!
Now, this last one is still a source of anxiety for me. In a couple of months, we are going on vacation. The dietitian said to cross that hurdle when I come to it, but it's still a big uncertainty. Food is usually a big part of vacation. You get to eat out and have some foods you would otherwise avoid (have you heard of funnel fries -- YUM!). But this year will be vastly different. I don't want the Mr. to miss out on the yummy things they have there. I also treat myself to a drink or two while we're on vacation and that's a big no-no. I'll work around it and the dietitian will coach me before we go so I have ideas for restaurants. I have the protein bars, some of which are actually delicious. I can take stuff down to make protein shakes. I just don't want to be limited to chicken for all of my restaurant meals. I do know of one place with amazing scallops; they just can't be sauteed because of the butter. But I'm sure they will grill or broil, just like the steakhouse for hubby's birthday.
I know this has been a crazy-long post and thank you if you made it all the way through. Please forgive any disjointedness or typos but I've been writing like crazy to not delay this any longer and to make sure I didn't forget anything. I know there have been people who have expressed interest in this blog and how they have found support through it or are considering the surgery and want to read more. I can't tell you how much that means to you. Part of the reason I decided to make this blog public was to help even one person. Please, please, please, ask questions! You can bet I'll be honest. Heck, at this point it's all on the table anyway. Also, don't hesitate to join the site; you'll get an alert when I post in the event that I forget to put in on FB. You can find it in a blue box on the right side, below all of my profile info and right about "followers."
Well, hopefully things will get less eventful, although every day finds something new - a new food my tastebuds like and my body agrees with (or the opposite), or what exercise has been working and what may be causing some unnecessary pain. I'll also try to check in more often so you don't feel like you've just finished reading a bad novel by the time you reach the end.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Taking the Plunge - Here's the Skinny
So it's true. I've decided. I'm going to have bariatric surgery! I know there are a couple of choices offered by my doctor's office and that the lap band isn't one of them. I think they were finding issues with it being a foreign body and slipping, but I'm sure that's not the case for everyone.
First, I should offer some info on the two procedures my doctor does.
Gastric bypass is the more drastic surgery, as it re-routes your digestive tract. It is also a longer surgery.
There are two steps during gastric bypass (emphasis mine) surgery:
First, I should offer some info on the two procedures my doctor does.
Gastric bypass is the more drastic surgery, as it re-routes your digestive tract. It is also a longer surgery.
There are two steps during gastric bypass (emphasis mine) surgery:
- The first step makes your stomach smaller. Your surgeon uses staples to divide your stomach into a small upper section and a larger bottom section. The top section of your stomach (called the pouch) is where the food you eat will go. The pouch is about the size of a walnut. It holds only about 1 ounce (oz) of food. Because of this you will eat less and lose weight.
- The second step is the bypass. Your surgeon connects a small part of your small intestine (the jejunum) to a small hole in your pouch. The food you eat will now travel from the pouch into this new opening and into your small intestine. As a result, your body will absorb fewer calories.
In [sleeve gastrectomy, aka: gastric sleeve]
Your surgeon makes 2 to 5 small cuts (incisions) in your belly.
- The scope and instruments needed to perform the surgery are inserted through these cuts.
- The camera is connected to a video monitor in the operating room. This allows the surgeon to view inside your belly while doing the operation.
- Your surgeon removes most of your stomach.
- The remaining portions of your stomach are joined together using surgical staples. This creates a long vertical tube or banana-shaped stomach.
- The surgery does not involve cutting or changing the sphincter muscles that allow food to enter or leave the stomach.
- The scope and other tools are removed. The cuts are stitched closed.
First I have to say - Praise God for laproscopic surgery!
I have chosen to have the sleeve procedure. Of course there are a plethora of tests before I am fully approved, but some of them I've had and others are simple. I do not drive in the city. Period. I saw the doctor in a satellite office and would like to see other docs in the general area. Hey, I'm open to 4-5 counties but not, I repeat NOT the city! While he operates in the city, my husband will be taking me and bringing me home (I'll be in 1-2 days barring any unforeseeable complications), so no city driving for me! My doc is so fabulous and is willing to work with me. For the psych eval, he will take a letter from my psychologist (an eval with their doc will offer far less in depth information. I have already had a sleep study and use a C-Pap machine. I can use an affiliated cardiologist here in the 'burbs. For the endoscopy, he knows my gastroenterologist and said he'd like to coordinate that so he can be in the room and view the procedure. I've had phone consults with both the nurse and the dietitian, who have encouraged me to call with questions and they will be in touch on a regular basis to ask if I have questions and to guide me through the steps both pre-op and post-op.
Certainly, as with any surgery, there are risks. I have researched them extensively. I know how my lifestyle MUST change after surgery. Not only will I be incredibly limited with what foods and how much food I can eat, but I know I will get sick if I go against the set regimen. Right now, I am trying different protein drinks to see what I like and what I don't. That way, when I get to the time where I am limited to only those drinks, I won't have to mess around with them and learn that some are downright disgusting! I am prepared to follow the plan and to exercise as soon as I'm medically cleared and have lost enough weight that the strain on my back is minimal. I'm not so much focused on the scale, but as a self-proclaimed "fat chick" the scale will always be a tool in gauging where I stand. Of course the way clothes fit and the ability to do more and more exercise will be huge indicators as well.
Because I take so many meds and drink intake at one sitting is limited, I am concerned about that, but have already alerted my doc to that concern. I'll speak more with the dietitian and RN about that.
Certainly, as with any surgery, there are risks. I have researched them extensively. I know how my lifestyle MUST change after surgery. Not only will I be incredibly limited with what foods and how much food I can eat, but I know I will get sick if I go against the set regimen. Right now, I am trying different protein drinks to see what I like and what I don't. That way, when I get to the time where I am limited to only those drinks, I won't have to mess around with them and learn that some are downright disgusting! I am prepared to follow the plan and to exercise as soon as I'm medically cleared and have lost enough weight that the strain on my back is minimal. I'm not so much focused on the scale, but as a self-proclaimed "fat chick" the scale will always be a tool in gauging where I stand. Of course the way clothes fit and the ability to do more and more exercise will be huge indicators as well.
Because I take so many meds and drink intake at one sitting is limited, I am concerned about that, but have already alerted my doc to that concern. I'll speak more with the dietitian and RN about that.
That's all for now. If you've had the sleeve, please let me know what your experience was. If you have questions, I have a huge binder full of information!
Monday, May 18, 2015
A Formal Introduction, 4 1/2 years too late
I'll start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Ok, so we've established that I love musicals, especially The Sound of Music. But that's not even barely a snippet of my life.
I'm 43 years old. I'm a Disney fanatic.... seriously, a freak about Disney!
I also have a mental illness. I have suffered from depression on and off for 30 years. Currently I am on disability for what has now been diagnosed as bipolar II. It's been not quite 15 years since I last worked. I was a social worker and one who was seriously burnt out at that. I have a degree in psychology. I switched over to working in HR for the same agency for the last 6 months, hoping I could keep up my pace. I was referred to a psychologist and it was shortly after that when I took the HR job. That was when I wound up in a psych ward for the first time. To be clear, it was voluntary. I wasn't tied down to the table and fed drugs and given IVs with all sorts of funky juices in them. That, my friends, is the movie version of a psych ward/hospital.
Having been on dozens of meds and even more combos, I was running out of options. So, I have had close to 80 ECT treatments (you may know it as shock therapy/treatment). The first 7 kept me out of the hospital for 4 years after annual hospitalizations. When I started to get really sick again, my therapist suggested I have a consult with another hospital which offers ECT. The psychiatrist refused to do it, saying I had borderline personality disorder. A few years later, after more meds, combos and hospitalizations, I went back to that same hospital and had another consult with the exact same psychiatrist. He approved me for the treatment. While I was inpatient, I did 3 treatments each week. Outpatient I was able to do 1. The doc would have preferred more, but I had no ride the other days. I was receiving what is known as "bilateral" and was at the maximum "dose."
In 2013 I wound up in the hospital medically and had to cancel my scheduled treatment. It gave me pause and I decided that the negative effects outweighed any benefit I was still receiving. My last treatment was December, 2012. It's hard to separate out what symptoms are from the depression and which are due to the ECT, plus I have a bunch of medical problems, including a stroke. There is no knowing. What is medical? Psychological? ECT-based?
My memory loss is significant, but like I said, what is the cause? My therapist told me that the benefits of the ECT would be short-lived, but I kept plugging along. Then I made that decision. I had reached the point where it was time to move along in my treatment. My treatment team was excited about the decision, but as much for the fact that I made it and there was no doctor telling me to stop.
It's hard to decide when to tell someone about mental illness and ECT - both have such stigma. The way I see it, if everyone keeps quiet, the stigma will remain. It's ok for people to ask questions because that's the way the word will get out that it's nothing like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I welcome questions about my illness and my treatments. I would prefer people educate themselves than make ignorant decisions. After all of my treatments and a dozen hospitalizations, I've gotten somewhat vocal. I mean, when push comes to shove there aren't a lot of explanations for my not working since I appear healthy - and am incredibly good at pretending I'm fine, putting on "the mask" and whatever else you want to call it.
What else? My mental illness seems to be such a huge part of my life that I wanted to take this opportunity to get it out there in a fashion that doesn't just say it in a casual way. Other very important parts of my life... I think I've mentioned that I'll be married 20 years in December.
<--- That's my love.
We have 2 cats and 2 dogs, all rescues.
The kitties are siblings. We went to adopt one but couldn't bear the thought of leaving the other one, especially knowing how people are ignorant and won't adopt black kitties because of some silly superstition.
One all-encompassing part of our lives is that we are born-again Christians. Fear not, I won't be sending subliminal messages or preaching at you, so please don't give up on my blog for that. We have a very strong faith and have recently begun a new journey with a new church family (after our former church dissolved). We attempt to keep our lives Christ-centered in what we do, but are awful sinners and fail at every turn. We try and that's all He asks of us.
Ok, so, my hubby is a computer systems engineer (with a chemistry degree - smarty pants), although I prefer to call him a computer geek. It covers all bases. He is such a blessing here at home. Since I am too sick to work, he does so much around here. If we had laundry on the same floor as where we dirty the darn stuff, I could pick up that chore (most of the time). We'd love to get a ranch style home, but now just isn't the time.
I was a social worker, which covers a load of jobs. For me, with my degree in psychology I first worked in a group home with 12 adults suffering from mental illness - sort of ironic, right? I still have incredibly fond memories of many of those incredible men and women. I credit one woman with helping me lose 40 lbs before my wedding. She was on my caseload and one of her goals was to walk every day. My daily time with her was spent joining her on those walks. Another man was in a military academy when he got sick and had to end his hopes of being in the service. The list could go on. They were so special to me. Heck, they even threw me a surprise bridal shower. Extraordinary! My next job was working with adults with developmental disabilities (I think there is now a new name, but that's what it was called when I worked) who were living with host families. I put a lot of miles on my car and loved my clients and most of the families. It all took a lot out of me. The final 6 months of my employment with them was working as an HR coordinator. It took off the pressures of one position, but added having to learn an entirely new and unfamiliar field. You know what happened after that.
I spent ages 2-16 as a dancer. First was ballet and at age 10 (?) I added in jazz. My hope was to go to Julliard (ok, let's make that a dream... a far off dream), but those hopes were dashed when, after many, many injuries, I broke my knee and needed surgery. I was told any further dancing would be out of the question. I also played violin, starting in 3rd grade and through the first year of college. I also played clarinet, starting (late) just before 7th grade and all the way through college. In high school there was marching band and concert band and at the time, if you were in one, you were in the other. It was very time-consuming. The Fall held football games weekly and practice two weeks a night, plus competitions for all of October and some other weeks. I was able to participate in the Miss America parade one year and my senior year we marched in the 3:00 parade in Disney World!!!! It was like a dream come true. We went to competitions annually, including Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and Toronto. High school orchestra was small, but I do remember us going to a competition in Toronto (because it was the week after the band one!). In college, it was simply concert band and we did one performance at the end of each semester. College orchestra consisted of basically a quartet or sometimes a quintet, depending on who showed up. It wasn't worth it for me, so I left it go.
As you can see, music is an enormous part of my life. It is also for the mister. He is a drummer. We lived in neighboring towns and our football teams competed, as did we compete as bands each weekend. We were on the same fields a lot and never even knew it! We actually met at a Hallmark shop. I started working there when I was 18. He was an established employee. We worked there until we got married. After about 6 months of that we couldn't take so much togetherness and decided we'd stop working at the shop. I'm still partial to Hallmark cards, though ;)
I'm 43 years old. I'm a Disney fanatic.... seriously, a freak about Disney!
I also have a mental illness. I have suffered from depression on and off for 30 years. Currently I am on disability for what has now been diagnosed as bipolar II. It's been not quite 15 years since I last worked. I was a social worker and one who was seriously burnt out at that. I have a degree in psychology. I switched over to working in HR for the same agency for the last 6 months, hoping I could keep up my pace. I was referred to a psychologist and it was shortly after that when I took the HR job. That was when I wound up in a psych ward for the first time. To be clear, it was voluntary. I wasn't tied down to the table and fed drugs and given IVs with all sorts of funky juices in them. That, my friends, is the movie version of a psych ward/hospital.
Having been on dozens of meds and even more combos, I was running out of options. So, I have had close to 80 ECT treatments (you may know it as shock therapy/treatment). The first 7 kept me out of the hospital for 4 years after annual hospitalizations. When I started to get really sick again, my therapist suggested I have a consult with another hospital which offers ECT. The psychiatrist refused to do it, saying I had borderline personality disorder. A few years later, after more meds, combos and hospitalizations, I went back to that same hospital and had another consult with the exact same psychiatrist. He approved me for the treatment. While I was inpatient, I did 3 treatments each week. Outpatient I was able to do 1. The doc would have preferred more, but I had no ride the other days. I was receiving what is known as "bilateral" and was at the maximum "dose."
In 2013 I wound up in the hospital medically and had to cancel my scheduled treatment. It gave me pause and I decided that the negative effects outweighed any benefit I was still receiving. My last treatment was December, 2012. It's hard to separate out what symptoms are from the depression and which are due to the ECT, plus I have a bunch of medical problems, including a stroke. There is no knowing. What is medical? Psychological? ECT-based?
My memory loss is significant, but like I said, what is the cause? My therapist told me that the benefits of the ECT would be short-lived, but I kept plugging along. Then I made that decision. I had reached the point where it was time to move along in my treatment. My treatment team was excited about the decision, but as much for the fact that I made it and there was no doctor telling me to stop.
It's hard to decide when to tell someone about mental illness and ECT - both have such stigma. The way I see it, if everyone keeps quiet, the stigma will remain. It's ok for people to ask questions because that's the way the word will get out that it's nothing like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I welcome questions about my illness and my treatments. I would prefer people educate themselves than make ignorant decisions. After all of my treatments and a dozen hospitalizations, I've gotten somewhat vocal. I mean, when push comes to shove there aren't a lot of explanations for my not working since I appear healthy - and am incredibly good at pretending I'm fine, putting on "the mask" and whatever else you want to call it.
<--- That's my love.
We have 2 cats and 2 dogs, all rescues.
The kitties are siblings. We went to adopt one but couldn't bear the thought of leaving the other one, especially knowing how people are ignorant and won't adopt black kitties because of some silly superstition.
 |
The dogs we're told are a shepherd mix (left) and a vizsla mix (right). For the record, we didn't know either, but a vizsla is a Hungarian hunting dog. Note: hunting dog = we have our hands full!
One all-encompassing part of our lives is that we are born-again Christians. Fear not, I won't be sending subliminal messages or preaching at you, so please don't give up on my blog for that. We have a very strong faith and have recently begun a new journey with a new church family (after our former church dissolved). We attempt to keep our lives Christ-centered in what we do, but are awful sinners and fail at every turn. We try and that's all He asks of us.
Ok, so, my hubby is a computer systems engineer (with a chemistry degree - smarty pants), although I prefer to call him a computer geek. It covers all bases. He is such a blessing here at home. Since I am too sick to work, he does so much around here. If we had laundry on the same floor as where we dirty the darn stuff, I could pick up that chore (most of the time). We'd love to get a ranch style home, but now just isn't the time.
I was a social worker, which covers a load of jobs. For me, with my degree in psychology I first worked in a group home with 12 adults suffering from mental illness - sort of ironic, right? I still have incredibly fond memories of many of those incredible men and women. I credit one woman with helping me lose 40 lbs before my wedding. She was on my caseload and one of her goals was to walk every day. My daily time with her was spent joining her on those walks. Another man was in a military academy when he got sick and had to end his hopes of being in the service. The list could go on. They were so special to me. Heck, they even threw me a surprise bridal shower. Extraordinary! My next job was working with adults with developmental disabilities (I think there is now a new name, but that's what it was called when I worked) who were living with host families. I put a lot of miles on my car and loved my clients and most of the families. It all took a lot out of me. The final 6 months of my employment with them was working as an HR coordinator. It took off the pressures of one position, but added having to learn an entirely new and unfamiliar field. You know what happened after that.
I spent ages 2-16 as a dancer. First was ballet and at age 10 (?) I added in jazz. My hope was to go to Julliard (ok, let's make that a dream... a far off dream), but those hopes were dashed when, after many, many injuries, I broke my knee and needed surgery. I was told any further dancing would be out of the question. I also played violin, starting in 3rd grade and through the first year of college. I also played clarinet, starting (late) just before 7th grade and all the way through college. In high school there was marching band and concert band and at the time, if you were in one, you were in the other. It was very time-consuming. The Fall held football games weekly and practice two weeks a night, plus competitions for all of October and some other weeks. I was able to participate in the Miss America parade one year and my senior year we marched in the 3:00 parade in Disney World!!!! It was like a dream come true. We went to competitions annually, including Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and Toronto. High school orchestra was small, but I do remember us going to a competition in Toronto (because it was the week after the band one!). In college, it was simply concert band and we did one performance at the end of each semester. College orchestra consisted of basically a quartet or sometimes a quintet, depending on who showed up. It wasn't worth it for me, so I left it go.
As you can see, music is an enormous part of my life. It is also for the mister. He is a drummer. We lived in neighboring towns and our football teams competed, as did we compete as bands each weekend. We were on the same fields a lot and never even knew it! We actually met at a Hallmark shop. I started working there when I was 18. He was an established employee. We worked there until we got married. After about 6 months of that we couldn't take so much togetherness and decided we'd stop working at the shop. I'm still partial to Hallmark cards, though ;)
I love to write, as you can probably tell and am considering putting some of my journal writings into a book.
Hub and I love to travel. It's not only Disney, although Disney World and Disney Cruise Line are our favorites, we enjoy doing most travelling. Keith grew up going to Ocean City, NJ every year and we kept that up for a bit. We'll now go down for a day, maybe his birthday. This past summer we were financially forced to re-schedule our Disney cruise and went to Ocean City, MD and loved it! We had been there once before but this experience was different - not better or worse, just different. Now, it was Cycle Week - and no, it wasn't bicycles. It was LOUD down there and we'd certainly chose another week to go. We went down to the barrier islands several times and were able to see a bunch of wild ponies. That was pretty incredible. We're headed on another cruise to Bermuda soon and are headed to Alaska on Disney Cruise Line later this year. Like I said, we LOVE to travel!
I'm pretty sure this is long enough without me blabbering on and on about stuff - I'm sure I'll keep doing that as time goes by. For now, if you made it through this, thank you!
Hub and I love to travel. It's not only Disney, although Disney World and Disney Cruise Line are our favorites, we enjoy doing most travelling. Keith grew up going to Ocean City, NJ every year and we kept that up for a bit. We'll now go down for a day, maybe his birthday. This past summer we were financially forced to re-schedule our Disney cruise and went to Ocean City, MD and loved it! We had been there once before but this experience was different - not better or worse, just different. Now, it was Cycle Week - and no, it wasn't bicycles. It was LOUD down there and we'd certainly chose another week to go. We went down to the barrier islands several times and were able to see a bunch of wild ponies. That was pretty incredible. We're headed on another cruise to Bermuda soon and are headed to Alaska on Disney Cruise Line later this year. Like I said, we LOVE to travel!
I'm pretty sure this is long enough without me blabbering on and on about stuff - I'm sure I'll keep doing that as time goes by. For now, if you made it through this, thank you!
Question
For the few but faithful who read this blog:
It's a fine line. As far as the mental illness is concerned, I'm not ashamed about it. On the other hand, I don't want to go around with a sign around my neck telling the world. If someone had diabetes or heart issues or any other illnesses for that matter, they wouldn't have the "scarlet letter" shown for all to see.
I am a realistic person. My life isn't of much interest to many and I've been pretty personal on this blog as opposed to the one about my critters. I've been considering making this one public and posting my entries to Facebook.
Here's where you come in. If this was your life, would you want this much information "out there?" I know people can access it if they really want to... blah, blah, blah. But I'm being serious here. Have I put parts of myself out there that maybe shouldn't be? Is this too personal? Have I shared too much? If my Mother reads it, would she be embarrassed that her friends who are on FB also see it?
It's a fine line. As far as the mental illness is concerned, I'm not ashamed about it. On the other hand, I don't want to go around with a sign around my neck telling the world. If someone had diabetes or heart issues or any other illnesses for that matter, they wouldn't have the "scarlet letter" shown for all to see.
I really, truly want your opinions.
Thanks!
Monday, April 20, 2015
Make it STOP!
Medical update: some of my medical stuff has been moved around and moved to later dates. This is a good thing! I did see the physiatrist today and she ordered some x-rays (which I did downstairs from their office) and an MRI as well as wanting me be back in aquatic therapy. Ugh!
In other news, you can check out my other blog: taleoftwodogs.blogspot.com where I picked up a feeder for one of our pups. She tends to inhale her food... literally. But today, all of that changed. We got her this thing which makes her "fight" for her food (not the right word). There is a video on the blog and you'll see what I mean.
In other news, I've been falling asleep in front of the TV. Sitting up and falling asleep. I had attributed it to one of my meds, but now that I'm off that med and it's still happening I have to come up with a new theory. That will take some work. Haha
Good news is that I am up to chapter 14 in Genesis. Most days I do it when hubby isn't home. On these days, the dogs get to hear a Bible reading. I wonder if any of it is sinking in. In any event, one chapter at a time - at least while the chapters are of reasonable length, in which case I read part of a chapter at a time. It'll all sink in, however fast I read it.
That sort of covers it here. I still have tons and tons of medical stuff keeping me busy. Am I the only one living an insane life (especially with no kids and no job)?
In other news, you can check out my other blog: taleoftwodogs.blogspot.com where I picked up a feeder for one of our pups. She tends to inhale her food... literally. But today, all of that changed. We got her this thing which makes her "fight" for her food (not the right word). There is a video on the blog and you'll see what I mean.
In other news, I've been falling asleep in front of the TV. Sitting up and falling asleep. I had attributed it to one of my meds, but now that I'm off that med and it's still happening I have to come up with a new theory. That will take some work. Haha
Good news is that I am up to chapter 14 in Genesis. Most days I do it when hubby isn't home. On these days, the dogs get to hear a Bible reading. I wonder if any of it is sinking in. In any event, one chapter at a time - at least while the chapters are of reasonable length, in which case I read part of a chapter at a time. It'll all sink in, however fast I read it.
That sort of covers it here. I still have tons and tons of medical stuff keeping me busy. Am I the only one living an insane life (especially with no kids and no job)?
Monday, April 13, 2015
Rare
Just to keep you in the loop (if anyone is actually reading this...) when I saw my psychiatrist this morning he is taking me off of one of my meds because of a few side effects. He, who is in his 50s and very up-to-date with studies and the like, looked them up on the computer having not heard of them.
Guess what? They are RARE occurrences on that particular med. You read it right -- RARE! If you didn't catch that the first few times.... my side effects are/were RARE!
Yep, that sounds about right.... Welcome to my world.
Guess what? They are RARE occurrences on that particular med. You read it right -- RARE! If you didn't catch that the first few times.... my side effects are/were RARE!
Yep, that sounds about right.... Welcome to my world.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Medical Update (so that doesn't sound as good as "Weekend Update" on SNL, does it?)
Well, onward and forward....
I went to the doctor on Tuesday and she found the same results as I had. She said that there is this CT that would be the next test, but she wanted to speak with the associate from prior to this appointment to make sure she is on the right track (she's a young doctor, but like I said... she's amazing!). My Mom is a nurse in the office and after seeing me, the doc said to my Mom that it's "unusual" (or a similar word) and Mom said "if it's rare, that's my girl!"
When I got the return call she said she is ordering the test. Ugh. Let me explain why:
OK, so I did a search online and couldn't find anything on my "go to" medical sites other than abstracts, which are by definition, pretty much less-than-helpful to a peon like me. To start, three hours prior to the test, they want me to have 32 oz of water. And hold it! They will catheterize me (woo hoo) and put dye up into my bladder just prior to doing the CT scan.
If that isn't enough fun for you, I go to a uro-gynecologist (who knew?) the following week and he will catheterize me again to look into my bladder. I have to question if this isn't a larger catheter so he can fit a small camera in it, much like a lower endoscopy or something similar. In which case, OUCH and more than the first time.
I think this does beg the question: do people in the medical field really like catheterizing people that much? I've had one catheter in my life and it was inserted while I was under anesthesia. I asked my doctor if I was going to be awake (jokingly) and she said "no, but I can give you something." I thanked her and said that I had plenty of stuff here.
Of course there is has been a lot of co-ordinating of services - there has to be blood work done at least 2 days prior to the test, the test needs to be pre-auth'd or pre-cert'd (I can't remember which) and after I was done with setting all of that up, I had to schedule with the uro-gyno and make sure that appt is far enough out from the test so the full results would be available.
There are far too many people "down there" - as if the annual gyn appt isn't bad enough.
For fun, in the midst of this, I've been doing aquatic therapy for my back 3x/week, seeing a hand specialist, seeing my neurologist for a hand-related test, and have my monthly psychiatry appt and my weekly therapy sessions. I'm tired just writing it.
Anyway that's myWeekend medical update.
Any chance I can get on SNL, just for one update??? I didn't think so.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday and she found the same results as I had. She said that there is this CT that would be the next test, but she wanted to speak with the associate from prior to this appointment to make sure she is on the right track (she's a young doctor, but like I said... she's amazing!). My Mom is a nurse in the office and after seeing me, the doc said to my Mom that it's "unusual" (or a similar word) and Mom said "if it's rare, that's my girl!"
When I got the return call she said she is ordering the test. Ugh. Let me explain why:
OK, so I did a search online and couldn't find anything on my "go to" medical sites other than abstracts, which are by definition, pretty much less-than-helpful to a peon like me. To start, three hours prior to the test, they want me to have 32 oz of water. And hold it! They will catheterize me (woo hoo) and put dye up into my bladder just prior to doing the CT scan.
If that isn't enough fun for you, I go to a uro-gynecologist (who knew?) the following week and he will catheterize me again to look into my bladder. I have to question if this isn't a larger catheter so he can fit a small camera in it, much like a lower endoscopy or something similar. In which case, OUCH and more than the first time.
I think this does beg the question: do people in the medical field really like catheterizing people that much? I've had one catheter in my life and it was inserted while I was under anesthesia. I asked my doctor if I was going to be awake (jokingly) and she said "no, but I can give you something." I thanked her and said that I had plenty of stuff here.
Of course there is has been a lot of co-ordinating of services - there has to be blood work done at least 2 days prior to the test, the test needs to be pre-auth'd or pre-cert'd (I can't remember which) and after I was done with setting all of that up, I had to schedule with the uro-gyno and make sure that appt is far enough out from the test so the full results would be available.
There are far too many people "down there" - as if the annual gyn appt isn't bad enough.
For fun, in the midst of this, I've been doing aquatic therapy for my back 3x/week, seeing a hand specialist, seeing my neurologist for a hand-related test, and have my monthly psychiatry appt and my weekly therapy sessions. I'm tired just writing it.
Anyway that's my
Any chance I can get on SNL, just for one update??? I didn't think so.
Friday, March 13, 2015
There is no title.....
I'm at a loss. Really, a total loss - and not the weight kind. My emotional eating has taken me back up to the weight I was when I started Weight Watchers (and maybe a little more, but I haven't gotten on the scale in a couple of weeks).
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)