I'm going to just post the link to this video and a response.
I am one of those "obese" people.... I am super obese or morbidly obese. You may have seen this video already. In fact, since I've been gone for a while, I missed all of the hoopla surrounding this. I'm glad I did. I'm in a pretty vulnerable place right now and hearing all of this (I'm sure it was all over Facebook, too!) may have done me a lot of harm. I am not a fan of the language they use, but I think it gets the point across.
I'd like to know who got together and decided what BMI is and what weight/height determines your BMI. Several years ago I was trying to determine my BMI and came across these numbers (I'm sorry, I've forgotten the site so cannot reference it directly):
>18.5 = underweight
18.5-24.9 = "normal"
25-29.9 = overweight
30-34.9 = obese
35-39.9 = severely obese
40-49.9 = morbidly obese
50-59.9 = super obese
Another stat I found at that time was that the CDC says a person who is 5'5" and 180 lbs has a BMI of 30. Yes, that is heavy, but obese? I think we're putting ourselves in these boxes that force us to reach a certain number, be it weight or BMI. We're trapped by that number, as if it defines who we are. I am fat and it is the first thing people notice about me, making it the last thing sometimes. Hubby and I switch between 2 different eateries before we go to the grocery store. We often have the same servers. They often won't recognize us until they see me. I am fat. I am memorable because of it. That is truth.
Here is the NIH BMI calculator. Frankly, I find it absurd. I once found myself getting excited that I was severely obese. I had lost enough weight that my BMI made me slightly less likely to die from the effects of being a fat chick.
What are your thoughts? How do you determine when you've reached a goal you have in mind for losing weight? Personally, I want to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I'd like to take my dogs for a long walk. I'd like to fit in a bathroom stall comfortably. I'd like to take walks with my husband. I'd like to not squish my husband in an airplane - I mean you have to admit that you or someone you know is thankful they aren't next to the fat girl on an airplane. I'd like to be comfortable in my clothes (being comfortable in my body is too far off to be realistic; I've spent 43+ years hating myself and my body so that won't get fixed by losing weight). I'd like to go into a medical appointment and be told that I have to lose weight - some docs have gone so far as to say that I need to lose 150 lbs, as if that will solve all of my problems. I'd like to shop in a store and not be limited to clothes in a catalog, hoping they fit. I actually hit the last one about this time last year, but both my husband and myself went on some binges. My emotional eating came out in full a lot and I gained back all the weight and more. Now I have to lay on my bed and suck my stomach in after putting on jeans or shorts and sitting in them for a bit to stretch them out so they will hopefully button and zip. Even then, it's quite a chore to get them on again.
So, those are my musings immediately after hearing of this video and watching it, as well as the response. I do want to add that I accept the responsibility for each and every bite of food I put in my mouth. It is my doing that I can't walk well. I also want to say that my age (43), my medications, and both of those add in to a horrible metabolism, making it even more difficult to lose weight.
I'd really love to hear others' thoughts.
Showing posts with label Weight Watchers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight Watchers. Show all posts
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Monday, June 29, 2015
Pondering
I've been pondering this blog post for awhile now. In fact I'm not entirely sure what I want to say and what not to say.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Warning: Medical Ranting, Venting, and Complaining Ahead
Don't say I didn't warn you!
In the next 2 weeks I am scheduled for something nearly every day. FYI: last week wasn't much better. But I digress...
I can barely breathe just typing it.
Now, I did contact the physiatrist this afternoon to let her know that I fell on Friday. In the basement. Onto the concrete. I'm in some serious pain. My back seems worse. My right knee took a hit. My right ankle twisted when I landed. I think some damage was done to my left ankle, on which I had surgery that had me laid up for the better part of 2 months.
Yeah, I'm cranky.
I'm a stress eater.
I'm trying to get back onto the Weight Watchers program.
This does not add up. But.... I won't be home very often to be tempted. Oy!
As a PS: I know that most people would be envious of my schedule. I just have to respond by saying that I am bipolar currently in a depression so severe the docs have talked of me being hospitalized. Oh, and my agoraphobia has surfaced a little bit, so going out, especially by myself, is pretty scary. So, I'll go back to working full-time if I could get rid of some of this junk!!! I'll leave it at that.
I want to add Bible study to this list. It's something I look forward to each week, but it makes life (and dinner!) more insane.
Thank you if you've made it to the end of this post.
In the next 2 weeks I am scheduled for something nearly every day. FYI: last week wasn't much better. But I digress...
- We're talking aquatic therapy 3 times each week.
- There is therapy once a week.
- I saw my psychiatrist this morning (and traffic was a mess, so was taking some deep <fat girl> breaths as I made it to my appointment)
- I have the CT urogram this week - where they catheterize me and inject a dye in my bladder, then follow it with a CT (hence the name LOL)
- I had blood work to do before I could do the CT
- I will be seeing the physiatrist for a follow-up
- There is the oh-so-fun EMG at the neurologist's to evaluate my carpal tunnel
- Then I see the hand specialist the day after the EMG to see where things stand, since I had the cortisone shots in both hands during two separate visits.
- A week after the CT, I will see a urogynecologist who will do some sort of test requiring catheterization
- I am on a committee for a seminar at my church. I have a meeting for that tomorrow night. The event is on Saturday.
I can barely breathe just typing it.
Now, I did contact the physiatrist this afternoon to let her know that I fell on Friday. In the basement. Onto the concrete. I'm in some serious pain. My back seems worse. My right knee took a hit. My right ankle twisted when I landed. I think some damage was done to my left ankle, on which I had surgery that had me laid up for the better part of 2 months.
Yeah, I'm cranky.
I'm a stress eater.
I'm trying to get back onto the Weight Watchers program.
This does not add up. But.... I won't be home very often to be tempted. Oy!
As a PS: I know that most people would be envious of my schedule. I just have to respond by saying that I am bipolar currently in a depression so severe the docs have talked of me being hospitalized. Oh, and my agoraphobia has surfaced a little bit, so going out, especially by myself, is pretty scary. So, I'll go back to working full-time if I could get rid of some of this junk!!! I'll leave it at that.
I want to add Bible study to this list. It's something I look forward to each week, but it makes life (and dinner!) more insane.
Thank you if you've made it to the end of this post.
Friday, March 13, 2015
There is no title.....
I'm at a loss. Really, a total loss - and not the weight kind. My emotional eating has taken me back up to the weight I was when I started Weight Watchers (and maybe a little more, but I haven't gotten on the scale in a couple of weeks).
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Brrrrr.......
It's cold here in the Mid-Atlantic of the US. I mean sub zero (F) temps. It's been a really good excuse not to exercise. I'll ignore the fact that I have an exercise bike in our spare bedroom - and I even dusted it off a few weeks ago. That counts as exercise, right? My emotional eating has also totally taken over my life. While I was down just over 30 lbs on Weight Watchers, I have gained most of it back. Once again, Ben and Jerry's became a good friend. It started in November. Then came Christmas and my birthday then Valentine's Day and now we are in Easter mode. We bought Reese's eggs and enough jelly beans (Just Born brand, of course!) to fill a small car.
This fat chick is on the weight see-saw. It's horrible. I'm so disappointed. I was finally able to shop in stores and not stuck with catalog shopping. I did pick up a shirt the other day at Kohl's - their 60%-80% off stuff... awesome deals! I figure maybe, just maybe I'll be able to fit into them by our cruise in May. I just have to steer clear of the jelly beans and Reese's eggs. This, friends, will be quite a chore!
I'm also in a very.... and I mean VERY bad place emotionally. For some reason I want to BUY - I came into some money recently and while I'm far from hypomanic, I want to buy stuff. Hubby suggested that I find some projects to work on and even came with me to the craft store to chose something. Yeah, um... that bag is in the dining room somewhere, with several other projects I was going to work on. I have to find my sewing machine before I can take it to get fixed.
There really isn't anything earth-shattering here, but it had been a long time since I wrote and I was feeling the urge to check in. I know there are some people out there - I know I have a few followers. I know someone will read this. I thank you for that!
One thing I just thought of - it was a year ago (almost) to the day that we had our "First in the Series" weight loss photo shoot. To be at the same weight as then.... (hubby, too) is more disappointing than I can describe.
This fat chick is on the weight see-saw. It's horrible. I'm so disappointed. I was finally able to shop in stores and not stuck with catalog shopping. I did pick up a shirt the other day at Kohl's - their 60%-80% off stuff... awesome deals! I figure maybe, just maybe I'll be able to fit into them by our cruise in May. I just have to steer clear of the jelly beans and Reese's eggs. This, friends, will be quite a chore!
I'm also in a very.... and I mean VERY bad place emotionally. For some reason I want to BUY - I came into some money recently and while I'm far from hypomanic, I want to buy stuff. Hubby suggested that I find some projects to work on and even came with me to the craft store to chose something. Yeah, um... that bag is in the dining room somewhere, with several other projects I was going to work on. I have to find my sewing machine before I can take it to get fixed.
There really isn't anything earth-shattering here, but it had been a long time since I wrote and I was feeling the urge to check in. I know there are some people out there - I know I have a few followers. I know someone will read this. I thank you for that!
One thing I just thought of - it was a year ago (almost) to the day that we had our "First in the Series" weight loss photo shoot. To be at the same weight as then.... (hubby, too) is more disappointing than I can describe.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Fat AND bipolar?
Yes. It's true.
I am fat. I am bipolar. I won't go into the rest of my flaws; they could take up and entire and very long entry and there's no need to bore you with all of my junk. Not that having a mental illness is a flaw any more than having cancer is a flaw. I didn't ask for it and I didn't do anything to bring it on. The fat? That's another story. That I can control (to an extent). I control what I put in my mouth and I control how active I am each day.
As I sit here, I have eaten nearly an entire bag of m&ms. It's not pretty and I expect severe nausea to kick in any minute now.
I know I've said before, I'm an emotional eater. Here is where the bipolar fits in with the fat. Life has not been going terribly well lately. I feel no need to go into details, and some of them are far too personal to write on a public forum. But, I am an emotional mess. I've stopped several times at the supermarket and/or Target picking up Ben & Jerry's and a variety of candy and "regular" ice cream - have you tried Turkey Hill's Party Cake flavor? Wow, delicious! The emotions that have me eating are not at the mania/hypomania end of the spectrum. They are where I spent most of my time - at the depression end. Severe depression. With death thoughts. So I eat, and then I feel more angry and more depressed. It turns into the perfect - awful - cycle.
The stress! We had to cancel a dream vacation because we weren't able to save the necessary money each month - a new fridge; dental work; a new (to me) car; 2 weeks ago was a new sliding glass door; last weekend was 3 new toilets - which now require new seat covers and floor mats; Casey (the bigger dog) got sick; the list goes on and on.
I wound up very sick in Aug/Sept with a stomach virus and was, therefore, unable to keep my meds down. Knowing it was a holiday weekend, I paged my psychiatrist that Friday to avoid needing to contact him over the weekend. I called before noon on Friday. After not hearing back 2 hours later, I called and got an answer, being told that he was with a new patient and could be a while but she would make sure he got the message. She called me back and said he never received the page but would call me back later and that he may want my chart in front of him. To give you the full picture here, the Wednesday AND Thursday prior to this call I was in the ER - most pertinent piece of info here being that I got home at 2:30 am Friday morning. Being somewhat incoherent I made sure there was someone with me so that I could remember what the doc said. By 10 pm, no call and hubby and I were exhausted, so we went to bed. 11 pm - I repeat 11 pm (!) the phone rang and it was him. Totally inappropriate and unacceptable! He said maybe he'd call back the following day. Not hearing from him by 11 am-ish, I paged him and took another several hours until he called back. He gave me a bit of an attitude and a titration schedule for my meds. Of course I had Mr B stay with me until he finally had to go to the grocery store so I was home alone, with a list that made only minimal sense to me. I wasn't lucid and I wasn't stable. One night at midnight I had a very embarrassing symptom. I wound up paging my GYN (I verified that she was the one on-call and that she was awake already for a delivery; she is also a family friend). She called the next day after giving me several suggestions to help with the symptoms overnight. She had done some research and found a name for my symptoms and the probable reason was one of my psych meds. Of course I called my psychiatrist back and he was really quite arrogant, saying that he'd never heard of it. Basically since he didn't know of it, it mustn't be the cause, if it even exists. Now, the psychiatrist is in his 50's, the gynecologist is in her 30's.
So, I got a new psychiatrist. I'd had my feelers out for over a year with no success. I'd exhausted anyone my psychologist knew so was left on my own - and that's ok. After the above situation I'd had it. The final straw. So, I have a new one. I saw him for my second monthly appointment last week. There was some horrible traffic shown on the news so I left 90 minutes to get there (a drive that could take 40 minutes traffic-free, rush-hour-free). He seems to run on time, so I went right back for my 15 minute appt and then headed back home. Basically I spent 2-1/2 hours on the road for a 15 minute appt. The "icky" doctor, as we call him here, always ran so, so late that the drive (he was only 10 minutes closer than the new guy) back and forth didn't feel so excessive. Don't get me wrong - this is not a complaint. The new doc is totally worth the drive. Hey, I get to listen to some great music!
And some of the stress is as follows: a doctor's appt with the podiatrist who did my ankle surgery last December who ordered an MRI; a doctor's appt with an ENT who ordered an MRI of my brain (for which I have to have a series of bloodwork done) and an ultrasound of my thyroid; a dental appointment; my usual therapy each week (an hour away) and a number of times getting lost to and from these appts and misinterpreting the date for one appointment (I got lost on the way) and being there a week early. The list goes on with a bunch of financial stuff and other miscellaneous.
So this may have come across as a gripe-fest but it's the circle my life has been on for the past several weeks.
Stress --> depression --> eating --> depression worsening --> comfort eating, etc, etc, etc.
I have to go, there is a pint of Ben & Jerry's calling my name.
Oh yeah, as a PS: I had lost 32 lbs on Weight Watchers prior to this and have found about 10 of those pounds back. Crud!
I am fat. I am bipolar. I won't go into the rest of my flaws; they could take up and entire and very long entry and there's no need to bore you with all of my junk. Not that having a mental illness is a flaw any more than having cancer is a flaw. I didn't ask for it and I didn't do anything to bring it on. The fat? That's another story. That I can control (to an extent). I control what I put in my mouth and I control how active I am each day.
As I sit here, I have eaten nearly an entire bag of m&ms. It's not pretty and I expect severe nausea to kick in any minute now.
I know I've said before, I'm an emotional eater. Here is where the bipolar fits in with the fat. Life has not been going terribly well lately. I feel no need to go into details, and some of them are far too personal to write on a public forum. But, I am an emotional mess. I've stopped several times at the supermarket and/or Target picking up Ben & Jerry's and a variety of candy and "regular" ice cream - have you tried Turkey Hill's Party Cake flavor? Wow, delicious! The emotions that have me eating are not at the mania/hypomania end of the spectrum. They are where I spent most of my time - at the depression end. Severe depression. With death thoughts. So I eat, and then I feel more angry and more depressed. It turns into the perfect - awful - cycle.
The stress! We had to cancel a dream vacation because we weren't able to save the necessary money each month - a new fridge; dental work; a new (to me) car; 2 weeks ago was a new sliding glass door; last weekend was 3 new toilets - which now require new seat covers and floor mats; Casey (the bigger dog) got sick; the list goes on and on.
I wound up very sick in Aug/Sept with a stomach virus and was, therefore, unable to keep my meds down. Knowing it was a holiday weekend, I paged my psychiatrist that Friday to avoid needing to contact him over the weekend. I called before noon on Friday. After not hearing back 2 hours later, I called and got an answer, being told that he was with a new patient and could be a while but she would make sure he got the message. She called me back and said he never received the page but would call me back later and that he may want my chart in front of him. To give you the full picture here, the Wednesday AND Thursday prior to this call I was in the ER - most pertinent piece of info here being that I got home at 2:30 am Friday morning. Being somewhat incoherent I made sure there was someone with me so that I could remember what the doc said. By 10 pm, no call and hubby and I were exhausted, so we went to bed. 11 pm - I repeat 11 pm (!) the phone rang and it was him. Totally inappropriate and unacceptable! He said maybe he'd call back the following day. Not hearing from him by 11 am-ish, I paged him and took another several hours until he called back. He gave me a bit of an attitude and a titration schedule for my meds. Of course I had Mr B stay with me until he finally had to go to the grocery store so I was home alone, with a list that made only minimal sense to me. I wasn't lucid and I wasn't stable. One night at midnight I had a very embarrassing symptom. I wound up paging my GYN (I verified that she was the one on-call and that she was awake already for a delivery; she is also a family friend). She called the next day after giving me several suggestions to help with the symptoms overnight. She had done some research and found a name for my symptoms and the probable reason was one of my psych meds. Of course I called my psychiatrist back and he was really quite arrogant, saying that he'd never heard of it. Basically since he didn't know of it, it mustn't be the cause, if it even exists. Now, the psychiatrist is in his 50's, the gynecologist is in her 30's.
So, I got a new psychiatrist. I'd had my feelers out for over a year with no success. I'd exhausted anyone my psychologist knew so was left on my own - and that's ok. After the above situation I'd had it. The final straw. So, I have a new one. I saw him for my second monthly appointment last week. There was some horrible traffic shown on the news so I left 90 minutes to get there (a drive that could take 40 minutes traffic-free, rush-hour-free). He seems to run on time, so I went right back for my 15 minute appt and then headed back home. Basically I spent 2-1/2 hours on the road for a 15 minute appt. The "icky" doctor, as we call him here, always ran so, so late that the drive (he was only 10 minutes closer than the new guy) back and forth didn't feel so excessive. Don't get me wrong - this is not a complaint. The new doc is totally worth the drive. Hey, I get to listen to some great music!
And some of the stress is as follows: a doctor's appt with the podiatrist who did my ankle surgery last December who ordered an MRI; a doctor's appt with an ENT who ordered an MRI of my brain (for which I have to have a series of bloodwork done) and an ultrasound of my thyroid; a dental appointment; my usual therapy each week (an hour away) and a number of times getting lost to and from these appts and misinterpreting the date for one appointment (I got lost on the way) and being there a week early. The list goes on with a bunch of financial stuff and other miscellaneous.
So this may have come across as a gripe-fest but it's the circle my life has been on for the past several weeks.
Stress --> depression --> eating --> depression worsening --> comfort eating, etc, etc, etc.
I have to go, there is a pint of Ben & Jerry's calling my name.
Oh yeah, as a PS: I had lost 32 lbs on Weight Watchers prior to this and have found about 10 of those pounds back. Crud!
Monday, November 17, 2014
Crash and Burn
Some of you may think this sounds like one big gripe-fest, but it's just what my life is like right now. To start, this whole bipolar thing has gotten out of control. I saw a new psychiatrist last month and my diagnosis has been officially changed to bipolar 2 (aka bpII). My life is less-than-enjoyable these days. It's not that I can put my finger on something specific and say "this" is why I crashed into a full-fledged depression. I did lose a friend a few weeks back. He was from our church that closed in the Spring, so haven't seen him since then. I'll tell you, though, this guy gave THE BEST hugs! Every Sunday I would walk into church and he would come over and give me a giant hug, complementing me on something - anything. One woman teased that she could be wearing a sack and he would tell her how beautiful she looked. He was just that kind of guy. He was kind-hearted and genuine. He is missed. I also developed a few new friendships who seem to think that mental illness isn't "real" because it is more of a spiritual issue. I don't want to get into specifics, nor do I want any comments about this. I only say it because it is something in my life, as it stands right now.
As for my weight... well, I had lost those 25 lbs without trying the end of last year through the early part of this year. Then I went on Weight Watchers (which rocks, by the way) and lost another 23-ish pounds. Then my mental health tanked. I've lost count of how many pints of Ben and Jerry's I've enjoyed. I also got some regular Turkey Hill ice cream to save money. Today was a Wegman's brand version of Ben and Jerry's. It didn't come close as far as flavor. I'll spend the extra dollar for the real stuff from here on out. While you probably can't tell from this, I am super ticked off that I'm pigging out. I'm also super ticked off that the depression is back. They are absolutely related, although one is a choice (sort of) and the other is not. Intellectually I know I have a choice over the junk food bingeing but it sure doesn't feel like it.
One of the dogs was sick for a few weeks so I was taking both pups for a walk virtually ever day. It probably did good things for my mood. It was so much easier to go for a walk every day when I was doing it for Casey and not myself. Especially with the depression I have no motivation. So now, I am not walking. It's a vicious cycle. Vicious!
So, as a fat chick I say that it's ok to go off plan every so often. Weight Watchers actually allows for it. BUT when this has become a multiple week thing, well, it's hit a bad, bad place. And those... are today's musings.
As for my weight... well, I had lost those 25 lbs without trying the end of last year through the early part of this year. Then I went on Weight Watchers (which rocks, by the way) and lost another 23-ish pounds. Then my mental health tanked. I've lost count of how many pints of Ben and Jerry's I've enjoyed. I also got some regular Turkey Hill ice cream to save money. Today was a Wegman's brand version of Ben and Jerry's. It didn't come close as far as flavor. I'll spend the extra dollar for the real stuff from here on out. While you probably can't tell from this, I am super ticked off that I'm pigging out. I'm also super ticked off that the depression is back. They are absolutely related, although one is a choice (sort of) and the other is not. Intellectually I know I have a choice over the junk food bingeing but it sure doesn't feel like it.
One of the dogs was sick for a few weeks so I was taking both pups for a walk virtually ever day. It probably did good things for my mood. It was so much easier to go for a walk every day when I was doing it for Casey and not myself. Especially with the depression I have no motivation. So now, I am not walking. It's a vicious cycle. Vicious!
So, as a fat chick I say that it's ok to go off plan every so often. Weight Watchers actually allows for it. BUT when this has become a multiple week thing, well, it's hit a bad, bad place. And those... are today's musings.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Obvious
I don't want my blog to be all about being fat. I mean, this is a fat chicks musings and not musings about being a fat chick. That said...
If you're a fat person - not just 25 or even 50 pounds overweight - you become the center of attention just by the nature of being fat. I have over 100 pounds to lose. It's unfathomable! It's a whole person worth of weight.
Let me clarify my comment about being 25- or 50-pounds overweight. I felt enormous when I carried this amount of extra weight. When I lost 40 lbs before my wedding, people took notice. If I lose 40 lbs now -- well, it sure wouldn't be as noticeable. Carrying 50 extra pounds isn't healthy and I don't want to say that anyone at that weight shouldn't lose it. I just want to be clear about that.
When I fell in March of this year it was in a park, therefore not in some private environment. Someone came over to me and asked my husband if he needed help getting me up. Can you say "ashamed?" It happened another time, earlier than that. One person saw me fall and asked if she could grab someone else to help me up. It was dreadful.
Now, when I began to creep further and further up the BMI chart, I became an obvious human being. There's no staying in the corner. No hiding. This is a big deal. I feel like people are staring at me all the time. Kids DO stare. They don't know better, but it sure is upsetting.
My weight is obvious.
It is obvious that I can no longer eveb shop in "plus size" departments... or "women's" as some stores advertise (presumably to be politically correct).
It is obvious to the point where every doctor I see tells me to lose weight. This isn't just a PCP or cardiologist... we're talking the ENT and the dentist!
It is obvious that I'm fat.
I am obvious.
At this point, I am working towards not getting those embarrassing stares. And while I'm doing that I hope that my husband will be less ashamed of me. Ok he as never actually said it and he carries a bunch of extra weight, too. But, how humiliating to be with someone who is a hippo? Sure I'm trying to drop a bunch of weight for myself -- I've proven time and time again that if my motivation is anything outside of myself, I will ultimately fail and will regain far more than I lose to begin with.
Yes, I am obvious. Yes, I am trying to become less obvious.
If you're a fat person - not just 25 or even 50 pounds overweight - you become the center of attention just by the nature of being fat. I have over 100 pounds to lose. It's unfathomable! It's a whole person worth of weight.
Let me clarify my comment about being 25- or 50-pounds overweight. I felt enormous when I carried this amount of extra weight. When I lost 40 lbs before my wedding, people took notice. If I lose 40 lbs now -- well, it sure wouldn't be as noticeable. Carrying 50 extra pounds isn't healthy and I don't want to say that anyone at that weight shouldn't lose it. I just want to be clear about that.
When I fell in March of this year it was in a park, therefore not in some private environment. Someone came over to me and asked my husband if he needed help getting me up. Can you say "ashamed?" It happened another time, earlier than that. One person saw me fall and asked if she could grab someone else to help me up. It was dreadful.
Now, when I began to creep further and further up the BMI chart, I became an obvious human being. There's no staying in the corner. No hiding. This is a big deal. I feel like people are staring at me all the time. Kids DO stare. They don't know better, but it sure is upsetting.
My weight is obvious.
It is obvious that I can no longer eveb shop in "plus size" departments... or "women's" as some stores advertise (presumably to be politically correct).
It is obvious to the point where every doctor I see tells me to lose weight. This isn't just a PCP or cardiologist... we're talking the ENT and the dentist!
It is obvious that I'm fat.
I am obvious.
At this point, I am working towards not getting those embarrassing stares. And while I'm doing that I hope that my husband will be less ashamed of me. Ok he as never actually said it and he carries a bunch of extra weight, too. But, how humiliating to be with someone who is a hippo? Sure I'm trying to drop a bunch of weight for myself -- I've proven time and time again that if my motivation is anything outside of myself, I will ultimately fail and will regain far more than I lose to begin with.
Yes, I am obvious. Yes, I am trying to become less obvious.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Isolation
Isolation. Think about it. Isolation. What thought comes to mind? How does it make you feel? How do you define isolation? Dictionary.com defines it as "separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary."
Now, what image comes to mind when you hear the word? Is it positive? My guess is no. Do you envision a homeless person begging for food in the subway? Is it a garden or plantation? Is it someone working at a winery getting grapes? Is it a dog or cat home alone while it's family is not home? How about a person in the middle of a plantation harvesting fruits or vegetables? A person living in the tundra in Alaska? I think you need to reign in your thinking.
I am isolated. Go back and slowly say the word. Ice-o-lay-shun. A middle-class woman who is the parent to 2 kitties (Tori and Bert) and 2 pups (Casey and Poly). I am married with a whose husband is a successful Senior Systems Engineer - read computer geek. I'm not sure you didn't picture me. But it is true. It is one component to depression. It is also something which breeds depression. My depression. The monster has returned making my desire to eat junk food (when I actually want to eat) multiply by dozens.
What does it mean for me? It means that I can go days without even talking with anyone other than my husband and usually my Mom. I spend a lot of time having conversations with my computer and my dogs. I mean a LOT of time. When my hubby is here, I still talk to the screen. At least he talks with the dogs as well. When he hears me whispering to seemingly no one I have to remind him that I personify isolation and am not used to having someone home. Conversations take place mainly on the phone. Even those are few and far between and I usually have to initiate.
So, how does isolation look like? For me, it means I EAT! Now that I'm doing Weight Watchers, the not eating thing/healthy eating isvery hard nearly impossible. Why do I look like a hippopotamus? Because I spend the day snacking. Also, hubster and I eat in front of the television. We all know that is a super bad idea. We basically train ourselves by pairing TV and food. (sorry, that's my psychology degree coming out) It boils down to telling ourselves that we should eat when in the living room. It's not good. The hub and I did it when I worked, and if that wasn't bad enough, now that I'm not working I have the television on most of the time which - you guessed it - means that my brain tells my body that I'm hungry. I feel like I have hundreds of tests and doctor appointments which all seem to lead to more appointments and more tests. I've noticed that when I'm at an appointment I talk and I talk a lot! Human contact. It's vital.
Isolation + food = hippopotamus. Isolation + Weight Watchers = hunger. I get a little cranky when I'm hungry. Add to it having virtually no contact with human beings during the day I want to pig out! We are buying unsweetened applesauce in bulk. It counts as "free" points. Fruit and veggies are FREE (at least as Weight Watchers is concerned. I am finding that I have a problem using all of my daily points - and I really need to do that! I will spend them at the end of the day with junk food. Yeah, that's not part of the plan.
Now that I've brought up WW I'll let you in... I'm down 8.2 lbs since 6/22, averaging 2 lbs each week. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I have to admit, it's frustrating. I do try to look at the big picture. I lost 26 lbs between September and February/March. The whole loss is great (it isn't simple math because I did gain some of those 26 lbs back. Overall, I'm down 32.4 lbs.
I was totally against counting anything help to lose weight. Counting isn't natural. Hubster joined WW before me and went over some of it and now that I've started I think it's a great plan. I did WW when I was younger - a couple of times, in fact - and have always had success. Most of the time I was on the go, so went to the meetings to get weighed and then rushed out. That meant that the online program is just right. It's obviously been success for me so far. Sure it hasn't been long, but I'm headed in the right direction.
Ok, I'm off to enjoy some good diner food. I have about half of my daily points left and about half of my weekly points, too, so I can splurge a bit. I see french toast in my future!
Now, what image comes to mind when you hear the word? Is it positive? My guess is no. Do you envision a homeless person begging for food in the subway? Is it a garden or plantation? Is it someone working at a winery getting grapes? Is it a dog or cat home alone while it's family is not home? How about a person in the middle of a plantation harvesting fruits or vegetables? A person living in the tundra in Alaska? I think you need to reign in your thinking.
I am isolated. Go back and slowly say the word. Ice-o-lay-shun. A middle-class woman who is the parent to 2 kitties (Tori and Bert) and 2 pups (Casey and Poly). I am married with a whose husband is a successful Senior Systems Engineer - read computer geek. I'm not sure you didn't picture me. But it is true. It is one component to depression. It is also something which breeds depression. My depression. The monster has returned making my desire to eat junk food (when I actually want to eat) multiply by dozens.
What does it mean for me? It means that I can go days without even talking with anyone other than my husband and usually my Mom. I spend a lot of time having conversations with my computer and my dogs. I mean a LOT of time. When my hubby is here, I still talk to the screen. At least he talks with the dogs as well. When he hears me whispering to seemingly no one I have to remind him that I personify isolation and am not used to having someone home. Conversations take place mainly on the phone. Even those are few and far between and I usually have to initiate.
So, how does isolation look like? For me, it means I EAT! Now that I'm doing Weight Watchers, the not eating thing/healthy eating is
Isolation + food = hippopotamus. Isolation + Weight Watchers = hunger. I get a little cranky when I'm hungry. Add to it having virtually no contact with human beings during the day I want to pig out! We are buying unsweetened applesauce in bulk. It counts as "free" points. Fruit and veggies are FREE (at least as Weight Watchers is concerned. I am finding that I have a problem using all of my daily points - and I really need to do that! I will spend them at the end of the day with junk food. Yeah, that's not part of the plan.
Now that I've brought up WW I'll let you in... I'm down 8.2 lbs since 6/22, averaging 2 lbs each week. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I have to admit, it's frustrating. I do try to look at the big picture. I lost 26 lbs between September and February/March. The whole loss is great (it isn't simple math because I did gain some of those 26 lbs back. Overall, I'm down 32.4 lbs.
I was totally against counting anything help to lose weight. Counting isn't natural. Hubster joined WW before me and went over some of it and now that I've started I think it's a great plan. I did WW when I was younger - a couple of times, in fact - and have always had success. Most of the time I was on the go, so went to the meetings to get weighed and then rushed out. That meant that the online program is just right. It's obviously been success for me so far. Sure it hasn't been long, but I'm headed in the right direction.
Ok, I'm off to enjoy some good diner food. I have about half of my daily points left and about half of my weekly points, too, so I can splurge a bit. I see french toast in my future!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)