Yep, it's a big word - and it was a new one to me.... until January. That's when I was advised this was the procedure which would get rid of my excess skin. Some doctors do an abdominoplasty (a "tummy tuck"), but that is more involved and I would assume more difficult to get approved through insurance. A panniculectomy is strictly the removal of excess skin, whereas abdominoplasty (I've come to learn) has muscle involvement and sometimes some liposuction.
Now for the insurance part. I'm all but pulling my hair out over this one. I first saw the surgeon about this surgery on 1/8. I was put on the scheduled for 3/7, pending insurance approval. And there I sit - waiting. I have asked friends to pray for patience as I wait to hear one way or another so I know what step comes next. Well, push came to shove last Monday and the insurance company still showed my pre-cert request as "pending" so the doctor requested my surgery be pushed a week to 3/14, as it can take up to 15 days to receive a determination. UGH! My need for patience grows with each passing hour. I cannot get my pre-op EKG and blood work until I get approval because they will not pay for the workup. So I wait. And wait. And wait some more.
I got tired of waiting. We had a snowstorm here on 3/7 so I called my insurance company, knowing my doc's office would be closed. I was told that additional information had been requested the previous Saturday (say what?) by fax and they hadn't received anything in response. I was told some vague information about needing more evidence of prior treatments tried. Well, that was something I could get on! With my Mom being a nurse at my gyn's office (and my gyn being the one to document the rash which is the medical need for me to have this surgery), I called her up and she got on it when she got to the office the next day - after the storm. I received a letter from the insurance company on Thursday stating that they needed the pictures SNAIL MAILED in addition to the extra documentation. I immediately picked up the phone and called "K" (the surgery scheduler) to see if this was something I needed to handle. I left her a message, but didn't hear back from her that day. So...more waiting. Friday, K called me that she was on hold with the insurance company for an hour, transferred 3 times and eventually wound up in a voicemail. When she got a return call, she advised them that she needed to email the pictures (I mean, c'mon people, it's 2018 - it should not be that hard!) and that I'd already been rescheduled once and they didn't want to have to do it again. I let her know that I'd been in touch with the other doc's office and they had prepared documentation of other treatments used. She gave me her direct fax number so there'd be no delay.
And then there's more waiting because it's the weekend.....
Monday rolls around and I lose track of time until the surgeon's office was closed. So I picked up the phone and called the insurance company again. Thankfully I've gotten some incredible people (shy one) every time I've called. This was no different - if anything, it was better! I got a wonderful Customer Service (CS) rep who said that my account still showed that they were waiting for information. FOR REAL??? I'm supposed to have surgery in TWO DAYS and the requested information isn't there? The CS rep stayed on the line and called Utilization Management (UM). She helped me talk to her and the CS woman asked the UM woman if there was a place in their department where things sometimes got lost. Sure enough, the UM woman found the pictures and documentation! Praise God! The UM rep said she'd send my case along to a nurse reviewer with expedited status, but that it could still take 48 hours. I didn't have 48 hours! When the UM woman hung up, the CS rep asked me if I'd like her to check on my case first thing the next morning. It's like she was an angel.
After an incredibly restless night with very little sleep, I climbed out of bed and took the phone into the shower with me - because don't all important calls come through when you're in the shower? Well not this one. Sigh... It's TUESDAY and I don't know if I'm having surgery the very next day. I know that the hospital would call between 2 and 5 to let me know what time to show up the next day. I also had an appointment that would have me away from the house from 1:30-5:00 and my anxiety was through the roof.
11:15 am (Tuesday) comes and the PHONE RINGS! It's the surgeon's office. I anxiously picked up the phone to hear K on the line saying that it was approved!! The insurance company neglected to mention that the 15 day clock reset when the new information arrived. Thankfully, the power of prayer is strong and it was put through in 18 hours! I had a huge adrenaline rush and was super excited. Then it hit - I'm having a massive surgery the very next day. I'd put so much time and energy into getting it approved that the reality of it didn't hit until that moment. Before I left the house at 1:30, the CS rep at the insurance company called and told me that it had been approved! She gave me numbers that I needed and I was so touched and impressed that she followed through on what she said she'd do. There is a time difference so when she called I did already know, but I didn't tell her that; I was just so impressed that she went that extra mile! The Hospital did call and let me know that I had to be there at 12:30 pm. It wasn't ideal, but at that point I would have shown up at 2 am or 6 pm (fasting, mind you) if they told me to!
Keith and I arrived at the hospital early - in part because that's my personality and in part because we have to travel a road which is constantly under construction, unpredictable, and generally known for being horrible so it's always necessary to allow extra time when we travel on this road. I gave my information to an admin person, went back to the room and spoke with the nurse who checked me in and then I changed into the gown and got my IV. I reviewed a wide array of information with no fewer than 4 people (when did you last eat? drink? take <each> med/supplement/vitamin? blah, blah, blah...). They were all very efficient and things were moving smoothly. Then people kept coming in asking if the doctor had been in yet. I repeatedly had to say "no." They called him and said he'd be over any minute.
He arrived and it was almost as if I heard a choir of angels. He sat down and started to go over a list of questions I'd sent back in January. If you've had surgery, you know they will draw on you so everyone is in agreement before the surgeon makes a cut. He started to do that and then.... then he got to the sagging skin. He lifted it up and the rash - the whole reason I need the surgery - was too infected for him to operate. It's exactly where he'd be making the incision and the risk of an infection getting into my system (something I'd be dealing with for months) was too high. There was no room for negotiation. The risk outweighed the benefit at that moment. I tried my best to not lose it in front of him. He was visibly upset telling me. I've known him for years and we've shared some very heavy conversations. He said he'd put me on a 10-day course of antibiotics and an anti-fungal and advised me to take impeccable care of it until we schedule again for 2 or 3 weeks. I asked for 2 weeks, but of course it depended on when there was a time slot available in the OR.
The nurse couldn't come in fast enough to yank out my IV so I could put on my street clothes and get out of there. I just wanted to go home. If you recall any of the story of my bariatric surgery, it was the same outcome of a failed attempt. That time, however, I was under anesthesia and my blood pressure plummeted to the point where I nearly died. The pumped meds into my IV for 40 minutes trying to get it back to a normal level, but it never leveled out. When I woke up and was asked if I was in any pain, I was pleasantly surprised to say that I wasn't. Only later did I find out why and I was devastated. I had been working towards that day for 4 months and done 2 weeks of a liquid diet only for it to fail. This was just reminiscent of that.
One thing the doctor hadn't told me at my initial consultation was that in his experience, only 1 in 30 or 40 people get approved for insurance coverage. That's about 2-3%. I'm not sure if it was the amount of information put in front of the reviewer or the content, but it worked! I feel so thankful and so blessed to have had K and my Mom advocating on my behalf.
Let me say, if this is a procedure in your future or that of a loved one, please, see a doctor often and make sure there is consistent documentation of the issues your excess skin is causing. Don't be discouraged by the numbers above. Be consistent with getting those medical issues documented! I'm convinced it's what made the difference...what had me in that 2%!
I hadn't gotten home yet and K had called, leaving a message that she put me on the schedule for 4/6. I just had to call her to confirm. When I did, she reiterated that the doctor was really upset and that she was shocked after all we'd been through to get the approval.
If you're a prayer warrior, I'd love any prayers for my patience during this time and as I struggle with understanding why the disappointment. If positive thoughts are more your style, I'll happily take those!
So now I wait...again. I'd like to think that I'm not waiting alone. I'd like to think that anyone reading this blog is waiting with me. I'd like to think that my little blog can be far-reaching. The goal of my transparency with this little blog is to impact others. I want to be there to answer questions, to offer encouragement - not only with my bariatric journey, but in general. But if you know someone having bariatric surgery, or considering it, don't hesitate to give out my blog information. Reach out to me. Have someone with questions reach out to me. If you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll see I'm somewhat of an open book with many difficult topics. I try to be intentional with what I share and sit back and hope that it touches someone....better yet, lots of someones. Make comments. Ask questions. Reach out.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Friday, March 16, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
How do you feel?
I often hear the statement "you must feel SO much better." Wow, define "better" if you would, please. Do I have a stamina for physical activity I lacked at 326 pounds? Without a doubt! Do I feel less ashamed by my appearance, especially when meeting new people or seeing people I haven't seen for years? For sure! Am I relieved to not be the proverbial (and literal, it felt like) elephant in the room while being totally invisible all at the same time? You bet!
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Time Marches On...
I can't believe it happened - again! I've gone months and seemingly ignored this blog, although I haven't forgotten about it! Honest!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
I was incredibly concerned about food at Disney. It's always been one of our favorite things about our Disney vacations (this was my 13th trip; it was our 9th trip together, including our "Disneymoon"). We got the text that our room was ready and it turns out we'd been upgraded to "Club" (aka: concierge) Level. You know what that means? Free food! It also meant that we walked out onto our balcony the first night at the Wilderness Lodge after a long day at 2 different parks, and watched the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle. We were downright giddy! We'd also been eligible for the Free Dining promotion they offered. We weren't going to pay for the dining plan; I simply don't eat that much, but it was free, so we grabbed on! I tried some new foods and did well until the last day when I tried a few too many new things in one day and my sleeve rebelled (I vomited). Other than that, I did quite well. I even lost weight because of all the walking we do at Disney. It was an extraordinary vacation! We still enjoyed some great food, we had the upgrade, we were at our favorite place on Earth (the adult-exclusive beach, called Serenity Bay, at Disney's private island, Castaway Cay where we floated on mats in the clear ocean and just hung out talking - all the while our backs getting burnt, as we were laying on our stomachs), and we were on a phenomenal new ride, Seven Dwarfs Mine Train, during the nighttime fireworks. And those were just the highlights!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Monday, June 20, 2016
Day 27 and Moodiness Abounds (Not to Mention Some Serious Anxiety)
I won't be weighing again until tomorrow, but I felt like I had to write.
I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out. This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult. I'm not exactly sure why. I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food. There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites. I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy! I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them! I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.
I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods. I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left. But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is scary. I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure). Can I eat veggies? Will my pouch allow meat? What about eating out? Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat. I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies. But what can I eat? What should I eat? What will I eat? Will it be accepted by my sleeve?
I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit. I wasall mostly ready to go to water aerobics. Yesterday Keith and I went and checked out the gym so I knew where I was going, etc. I got halfway there and realized that I didn't have the lock for a locker. I wasn't about to leave my keys and wallet in an unsecured locker. Well, I got home and was SO frustrated. I admit that I was angry, thinking that Keith was the last one to touch it and he must have put it somewhere and that I didn't know where it was. Please, forgive me Keith. My anger was unfounded. I went again to check the bedroom and found the lock tucked in the quilt folds. I felt like such an idiot. My anger was for nothing and had I looked closer, I would have found it and been able to start water aerobics. Wednesday I know I won't be able to go for the class (which is fine; I can always go and walk the pool). The days I have afternoon appointments will be difficult to do the class, but somehow I have to make it work. Hey, I'll (probably) be starting at the 4 week mark. That's not half bad, huh??
That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already. I'm so ticked off! I can't handle going deeper into the darkness. I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two. I started out with this stupid mental illness. I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear. I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure). Now I feel like I'm back where I started.
What the heck is going on? I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned. I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies. I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen. The doctor visits. The tests. The clearances. The liquid diet - twice. The pureed diet. Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow. If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that. I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect. I NEED to be successful. This is the final attempt to get this fat off. I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know I've rambled about this emotion thing. It's just such a big part of who I am. I return to my food/eating therapist this week. We'll see how that goes..... Thanks again!
I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out. This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult. I'm not exactly sure why. I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food. There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites. I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy! I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them! I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.
I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods. I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left. But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is scary. I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure). Can I eat veggies? Will my pouch allow meat? What about eating out? Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat. I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies. But what can I eat? What should I eat? What will I eat? Will it be accepted by my sleeve?
I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit. I was
That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already. I'm so ticked off! I can't handle going deeper into the darkness. I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two. I started out with this stupid mental illness. I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear. I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure). Now I feel like I'm back where I started.
What the heck is going on? I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned. I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies. I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen. The doctor visits. The tests. The clearances. The liquid diet - twice. The pureed diet. Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow. If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that. I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect. I NEED to be successful. This is the final attempt to get this fat off. I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know I've rambled about this emotion thing. It's just such a big part of who I am. I return to my food/eating therapist this week. We'll see how that goes..... Thanks again!
Monday, May 23, 2016
Counting the Hours
Yep, that's right -- surgery's tomorrow. I have to be downtown on the early side, but that means surgery will be over earlier and hubby will be able to get home to our furbabies so they don't wither away to nothing (yeah, right -- spoiled kids). My first call this morning said to be there at 11:15, but later got a call that there was a cancellation and asked me to be there at 8:45. While we'll be in rush hour traffic ( which seems extra horrible around here with construction, lane closures, and roads not built for the amount of traffic traveling them daily... this area has been built-up beyond belief), hubby will be able to get home that much earlier. Casey (the big pup) will be in charge and will eat anyone who tries to enter unauthorized!
So, it's the ol' gastric sleeve, attempt #2. Same surgeon, same hospital, same anesthesiologist (I hope!) and same pacu nurse (I hope!). I know I'll get top quality care and then the real work begins. They want me sitting in a chair shortly after I get to my room (I imagine they'll let me take a snooze first) and then walking the halls by the end of the day. I hope I'm up for it because all I've heard from anyone is walk, walk, walk. Not only does it help prevent blood clots, but it helps with healing. I don't understand the ins and outs of most things medical, but I suspect that if I'm in one position too long, my "pouch"/sleeve will get too comfortable there and it will be more painful to move when I finally would get up.
As far as the failure and my blood pressure: I've been working with my PCP to stop one of my bp meds (first in half with 2 bp checks the following week, then stopped altogether with another 2 bp checks). I saw my pulmonologist today and they said my bp was "just right" (or perfect, or something to that effect) to them. In my eyes, it was a little elevated, but I was told by the surgeon's office not to take my other bp med today and that they'd prefer to handle high bp in the OR vs. low bp.
So, as it stands now, the plan is:
Hubby will be working from home on and off Wednesday-Friday and is off for Memorial Day on Monday. Then our problem child will go to daycare. I won't be able to bend at the waist, so I can't put her leash on. I also can't get them water if they need it and a number of other things. I have my enormous shoe horn - again, not being able to bend at the waist.
Keeping prayers on my heart for a positive outcome and that my anxiety doesn't take over. I'd love if you could do the same.
Over and out...
So, it's the ol' gastric sleeve, attempt #2. Same surgeon, same hospital, same anesthesiologist (I hope!) and same pacu nurse (I hope!). I know I'll get top quality care and then the real work begins. They want me sitting in a chair shortly after I get to my room (I imagine they'll let me take a snooze first) and then walking the halls by the end of the day. I hope I'm up for it because all I've heard from anyone is walk, walk, walk. Not only does it help prevent blood clots, but it helps with healing. I don't understand the ins and outs of most things medical, but I suspect that if I'm in one position too long, my "pouch"/sleeve will get too comfortable there and it will be more painful to move when I finally would get up.
As far as the failure and my blood pressure: I've been working with my PCP to stop one of my bp meds (first in half with 2 bp checks the following week, then stopped altogether with another 2 bp checks). I saw my pulmonologist today and they said my bp was "just right" (or perfect, or something to that effect) to them. In my eyes, it was a little elevated, but I was told by the surgeon's office not to take my other bp med today and that they'd prefer to handle high bp in the OR vs. low bp.
So, as it stands now, the plan is:
- Arrive and go to the admission area (assuming that we got through traffic without being killed)
- Put on the oh-so-fashionable hospital gown (and the paper one; I don't get the more comfy cloth one until after surgery)
- Head to pre-op and hope for the wonderful anesthesiologist to find a good vein
- Speak with the surgeon, who will tell me that he got a good night's sleep (he did last time)
- Enter OR and go night-night
- Wake up in PACU, hopefully to the smile of the wonderful nurse from last time.
- Head to room and have ice chips (hopefully)
- Wednesday: have a barium swallow test (which is as delightful as it sounds, although this one will be far less complicated than the one I had in the past because they are looking only to make sure the pouch is proper.
- Sip water. SIP. WATER.
- Thursday, if all goes according to plan, HOME!
Hubby will be working from home on and off Wednesday-Friday and is off for Memorial Day on Monday. Then our problem child will go to daycare. I won't be able to bend at the waist, so I can't put her leash on. I also can't get them water if they need it and a number of other things. I have my enormous shoe horn - again, not being able to bend at the waist.
Keeping prayers on my heart for a positive outcome and that my anxiety doesn't take over. I'd love if you could do the same.
Over and out...
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