It's not easy to admit, but my mood has taken a real hit since surgery was cancelled. This process has been very difficult for me for reasons I'm choosing not to reveal in such an open forum. Suffice it to say, having to delay it has really affected me. I feel more depressed and sometimes that means I want to eat emotionally - which is never veggies, I can tell you that!
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Sunday, July 10, 2016
New Experiences - 46 Days Out (this number has changed many times as I continue to write, and write, and write....)
Wow, this has been a crazy time! I'm sorry I've neglected this for so long. I started to write a couple of weeks ago, but then... well... life just got in the way.
Where to start?
Part of the delay was some pain I'm having. It's all along the left side of my abdomen and the LRNP said that it wasn't pain I should be having at this stage, so I had an unexpected visit downtown. Thankfully hubby was able to take off. She (the LRNP) said that it's unlikely the pain is surgery-related, but they ordered a few tests just to see if they can determine what is causing it. I'm waiting on the results of one; the other required a pre-cert and I didn't get the info to schedule until it was too late, so I'll be calling for that appointment on Monday. I do hope they figure this out! Actually, just today (Saturday), hubby and I were out running some errands and wandering the mall - I haven't been able to walk the mall in years. I realized I could go to Chick-fil-A and get grilled nuggets. I got the 8-piece, but could only finish 5. I'll know to get the children's portion next time. Then I had to wait 30 minutes to drink, which about killed me. On top of that, I had my ongoing clothing frustrations (more about that below) and I was having some arthritis pain (you don't spend much time being morbidly obese before your body rebels!). We left to head to our main destination, and one of my absolute favorite stores - The Container Store!!!!! Unfortunately the abdominal pain increased dramatically, almost out of the blue, so hubby knew something was wrong when I wanted to leave there... and not even stop at Target on the way home. So here I sit, protein shake in next to me, typing away.
Now, I had my first experience at a restaurant. I was super anxious. A few days prior I had a hamburger and it didn't sit well. Dinner was planned for hubby's birthday and my parents were taking us to a steak and seafood restaurant. I called the dietitian in a hurry! She pulled up the menu on her computer and we went through the menu over the phone (did I mention how wonderful she is?). I assumed I'd get the scallop appetizer, but the menu didn't make it as straight-forward as it used to be; I also never paid attention before and it is a sauteed dish, therefore cooked in butter - a big no-no. We worked together to figure out a plan and a few days later, we headed down to my folks'.
The day came and I feltsomewhat not-at-all prepared. I have a letter from my surgeon saying that I've had an operation and that I should be permitted to order a lesser amount of food (off the children's menu, if need be) for a proportionate cost. I was armed going into the restaurant. My parents go here often, so they have a favorite server and asked for her. While we were being seated, my father graciously took the server aside and advised her of my situation. She was wonderful and told me to order what I want/need from the menu and the chef would make it work. I did get the scallops, grilled, along with some asparagus. I wasn't able to finish the 4 scallops, so by bariatric "law" (of my program), I didn't have any of the veggie. I love vegetables, so this is killing me! But rules dictate that I eat my 3 oz of protein before I have my ounce of veggie. And I held firm to the rules.
Major Eating/Lifestyle Changes:
I had my first session with my food/eating therapist since surgery. She's a real cheerleader for me and my journey and reminds me all the time how far I've come and how much I'm doing to follow the strict rules. I don't take compliments terribly well, so it's a bit like water-off-a-duck's-back, but she knows that. I had the same experience with my psychiatrist earlier this week. I've always been hard on myself, so it's not something new. The only person on my mental health team who has supported me throughout the entire process is my psychologist. (the food therapist is new). The psychiatrists I've seen in the past (especially the one I saw for the longest time - 9 years, I think) would have just set up another appointment and said they'd see me after surgery. All 3 of these people wanted to know as soon as possible how surgery went. My psychiatrist was really happy - surprised even - that hubby emailed her not long after the surgery was over. She thanked me/him for that and I thanked her for caring enough to ask. I haven't even been seeing her a year and she's done everything to encourage me and support this process. When I talked of the financial hardship of seeing a second therapist, she didn't think twice and told me to see her less often if that would help. She's there by email and phone if I need her.
I had an appt at the neurologist's office and talked with her about decreasing doses on some of the meds they have me on for my migraines, because they can also be used for psych purposes. They are older meds and have a greater chance to cause weight gain - working against what I'm working to do! In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I am cutting one of the biggest offenders in half (to start) and the other I take 1200 mg 3x/day and that is being cut to 900 mg 3x/day. I hope to be off my cholesterol med by the Fall, and even though my psychiatrist added back in one med (I went off it due to a variety of screw-ups) I can just pray that she will take me off the one I currently take once I'm up to a therapeutic dose.
Clothes: I'm finally starting to find myself shrinking out of clothes. I was so frustrated being stuck in the same size clothes as 50 lbs ago! But just within the past 1-2 weeks I've noticed that my shirts are sliding down my shoulders and my bra straps are showing. That hasn't been the case in nearly forever! My old body had a fairly basic pound to size ratio. When I was 310 lbs, I wore a 30/32. I'm under 250 - oh right... did I mention that I'm UNDER 250 ???? I don't remember the last time that was the case, so my mind keeps saying that I should be in a 24/26, but that's not totally the case. It wasn't a science before, but now it's all over the place. I did go this afternoon to a Catherine's outlet store. I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes, since I just don't know what size to buy and I'll say it again - I definitely do NOT want to spend a lot of money! So, I left empty-handed, but have become friendly with one of the employees, so we chatted for a bit and that was nice. The same has been true for all of my shopping escapades of late. It turns into one big frustrating mess! I'm going to wind up naked before I know it - and nobody wants to see that!
I had a appointment in the town where I grew up, so met some friends for lunch afterwards. In talking with one of my friends she asked where I wanted to go. I haven't lived there in over 20 years, so I'm not entirely sure what the options were. In talking with her, I said that breakfast is easy for me, since I can just order eggs. We decided on a place. When I walked in, all I saw were booths. In the past, this was fear-inducing. Will I fit? Will I be able to breathe? Will my belly wind up hanging onto the table? Will people stare? Last week, though - no problem! Plus, inches to spare! For anyone who's struggled with obesity that's a huge accomplishment (no pun intended). Part of me can't wait to go to our local diner. I haven't been there in many months and I'm eager to just sit down and not have to request a table - that's awfully embarrassing... or even more embarrassing is them asking if a booth is ok. This is one check in the "win" box!
Another great thing about that lunch is that I haven't seen these women in over 2 years. It was wonderful catching up in person and not just via Facebook posts and messages or texts. But, while they know this is the path I'm on now, I haven't posted any recent photographs, so I was almost giddy at their reactions. I know, it still falls under the "water-off-a-duck's-back" concept, but it was still really nice to hear. Like my doctor/surgeon says, I'm with me everyday. It's only those who don't see me for a long stretch who will really notice.
I'd been slacking a bit with exercise, but also found myself unhappy with my weight loss numbers. I'm the only one who can change that, so I sucked up the pain (to a certain level - I still have to listen to my body) and hopped back on that bike. With having a TV in that room, I can stream shows and movies through amazon prime and not have to pay for an additional FiOS box. At this point, I'm doing about 7 miles in between 23-26 minutes. I have yet to put on that bathing suit and jump into the pool for water aerobics. With my mood all over the place I am not finding the energy to get up and at 'em in time. Hence my time on the bike (plus I don't have to leave the house - huge bonus some days).
Jewelry is also an issue for larger or obese women. It's not something I'd considered before it became an issue. Necklaces don't fit properly and if they do, they become chokers when they're not meant to be. I also kept having to get a larger and larger band to wear as a wedding ring. One Christmas, hubby got my original rings sized. I cried because it was the best gift. It made me feel normal again (if that makes sense). Now those rings are getting loose. Because of the heat, they aren't in danger of falling off, but I have to keep a eye on them so I don't lose them once the weather cools. Also, out of curiosity I tried on my college ring and wouldn't you know it fit? Such an amazing feeling. I still weigh (probably) 70 lbs more than I did then, but the fact that I could get it on and not have to cut if off was another win! I won't be wearing it anytime soon, but I moved the infinity ring hubs got me for Christmas to another finger so I could get used to it there and be prepared to wear my college ring again! Woo hoo!
This may sound really odd to someone who hasn't had the experience of losing significant weight, particularly when it's rapid, but skin starts to sag. It's not pretty, but it's all part of the journey. Well, I noticed the other day that my arm flab was less taut than it used to be. Yes, that's right, I'm having skin sag! It's hard to explain it, but it's a good feeling. I'm trying not to think about skin surgery so early in my journey, but it's something I may consider down the road, depending on the condition of my body when all's said and done. Insurance doesn't typically pay for it because they see it as cosmetic so it would create a rather sizable financial burden. At the same time, having this skin issue could create other problems, medical problems. One thing at a time, though. It was just exciting that there was some evidence I was able to see!
Now, this last one is still a source of anxiety for me. In a couple of months, we are going on vacation. The dietitian said to cross that hurdle when I come to it, but it's still a big uncertainty. Food is usually a big part of vacation. You get to eat out and have some foods you would otherwise avoid (have you heard of funnel fries -- YUM!). But this year will be vastly different. I don't want the Mr. to miss out on the yummy things they have there. I also treat myself to a drink or two while we're on vacation and that's a big no-no. I'll work around it and the dietitian will coach me before we go so I have ideas for restaurants. I have the protein bars, some of which are actually delicious. I can take stuff down to make protein shakes. I just don't want to be limited to chicken for all of my restaurant meals. I do know of one place with amazing scallops; they just can't be sauteed because of the butter. But I'm sure they will grill or broil, just like the steakhouse for hubby's birthday.
I know this has been a crazy-long post and thank you if you made it all the way through. Please forgive any disjointedness or typos but I've been writing like crazy to not delay this any longer and to make sure I didn't forget anything. I know there have been people who have expressed interest in this blog and how they have found support through it or are considering the surgery and want to read more. I can't tell you how much that means to you. Part of the reason I decided to make this blog public was to help even one person. Please, please, please, ask questions! You can bet I'll be honest. Heck, at this point it's all on the table anyway. Also, don't hesitate to join the site; you'll get an alert when I post in the event that I forget to put in on FB. You can find it in a blue box on the right side, below all of my profile info and right about "followers."
Well, hopefully things will get less eventful, although every day finds something new - a new food my tastebuds like and my body agrees with (or the opposite), or what exercise has been working and what may be causing some unnecessary pain. I'll also try to check in more often so you don't feel like you've just finished reading a bad novel by the time you reach the end.
Where to start?
Part of the delay was some pain I'm having. It's all along the left side of my abdomen and the LRNP said that it wasn't pain I should be having at this stage, so I had an unexpected visit downtown. Thankfully hubby was able to take off. She (the LRNP) said that it's unlikely the pain is surgery-related, but they ordered a few tests just to see if they can determine what is causing it. I'm waiting on the results of one; the other required a pre-cert and I didn't get the info to schedule until it was too late, so I'll be calling for that appointment on Monday. I do hope they figure this out! Actually, just today (Saturday), hubby and I were out running some errands and wandering the mall - I haven't been able to walk the mall in years. I realized I could go to Chick-fil-A and get grilled nuggets. I got the 8-piece, but could only finish 5. I'll know to get the children's portion next time. Then I had to wait 30 minutes to drink, which about killed me. On top of that, I had my ongoing clothing frustrations (more about that below) and I was having some arthritis pain (you don't spend much time being morbidly obese before your body rebels!). We left to head to our main destination, and one of my absolute favorite stores - The Container Store!!!!! Unfortunately the abdominal pain increased dramatically, almost out of the blue, so hubby knew something was wrong when I wanted to leave there... and not even stop at Target on the way home. So here I sit, protein shake in next to me, typing away.
Now, I had my first experience at a restaurant. I was super anxious. A few days prior I had a hamburger and it didn't sit well. Dinner was planned for hubby's birthday and my parents were taking us to a steak and seafood restaurant. I called the dietitian in a hurry! She pulled up the menu on her computer and we went through the menu over the phone (did I mention how wonderful she is?). I assumed I'd get the scallop appetizer, but the menu didn't make it as straight-forward as it used to be; I also never paid attention before and it is a sauteed dish, therefore cooked in butter - a big no-no. We worked together to figure out a plan and a few days later, we headed down to my folks'.
The day came and I felt
Major Eating/Lifestyle Changes:
- stop drinking 15 minutes before eating
- take at a minimum, 30 minutes to eat (preferably more with the amount of nausea I've had); because of this, I've gotten used to finishing my meals cold.
- eat 4 oz meals, getting 60-80 oz of protein in daily (historically, people in my specific program have had a higher rate of success with having a protein shake/bar for one meal per day). It may not be logical, but different doctors/programs have different rules - both pre-op and post-op. It's not like removing a gall bladder or fixing a torn ligament.
- as I mentioned before, I am now permitted 1 oz of veggies and 3 oz of protein, but the protein must, must, must come first. Greek yogurt is an excellent source of protein so a number of the bariatric recipes I have include that as an ingredient, or I'll just have a cup of cherry (or whatever) and it has 12(!!!) grams of protein.
- meals should be between 3-4 hours apart
- do not drink until 30 minutes after eating (this one has been the most difficult, I think... we're all so used to drinking throughout our meals, so to not pick up my glass until 30 minutes after I'm through is an enormous change -- try it... it's HARD!)
- it is absolutely necessary to get in 64 oz - at the very least 50 oz - of water/Crystal Light (something with no caffeine, no sugar and non-carbonated) daily; dehydration is the number one reason for people to be re-admitted following surgery
I had my first session with my food/eating therapist since surgery. She's a real cheerleader for me and my journey and reminds me all the time how far I've come and how much I'm doing to follow the strict rules. I don't take compliments terribly well, so it's a bit like water-off-a-duck's-back, but she knows that. I had the same experience with my psychiatrist earlier this week. I've always been hard on myself, so it's not something new. The only person on my mental health team who has supported me throughout the entire process is my psychologist. (the food therapist is new). The psychiatrists I've seen in the past (especially the one I saw for the longest time - 9 years, I think) would have just set up another appointment and said they'd see me after surgery. All 3 of these people wanted to know as soon as possible how surgery went. My psychiatrist was really happy - surprised even - that hubby emailed her not long after the surgery was over. She thanked me/him for that and I thanked her for caring enough to ask. I haven't even been seeing her a year and she's done everything to encourage me and support this process. When I talked of the financial hardship of seeing a second therapist, she didn't think twice and told me to see her less often if that would help. She's there by email and phone if I need her.
I had an appt at the neurologist's office and talked with her about decreasing doses on some of the meds they have me on for my migraines, because they can also be used for psych purposes. They are older meds and have a greater chance to cause weight gain - working against what I'm working to do! In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I am cutting one of the biggest offenders in half (to start) and the other I take 1200 mg 3x/day and that is being cut to 900 mg 3x/day. I hope to be off my cholesterol med by the Fall, and even though my psychiatrist added back in one med (I went off it due to a variety of screw-ups) I can just pray that she will take me off the one I currently take once I'm up to a therapeutic dose.
Clothes: I'm finally starting to find myself shrinking out of clothes. I was so frustrated being stuck in the same size clothes as 50 lbs ago! But just within the past 1-2 weeks I've noticed that my shirts are sliding down my shoulders and my bra straps are showing. That hasn't been the case in nearly forever! My old body had a fairly basic pound to size ratio. When I was 310 lbs, I wore a 30/32. I'm under 250 - oh right... did I mention that I'm UNDER 250 ???? I don't remember the last time that was the case, so my mind keeps saying that I should be in a 24/26, but that's not totally the case. It wasn't a science before, but now it's all over the place. I did go this afternoon to a Catherine's outlet store. I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes, since I just don't know what size to buy and I'll say it again - I definitely do NOT want to spend a lot of money! So, I left empty-handed, but have become friendly with one of the employees, so we chatted for a bit and that was nice. The same has been true for all of my shopping escapades of late. It turns into one big frustrating mess! I'm going to wind up naked before I know it - and nobody wants to see that!
I had a appointment in the town where I grew up, so met some friends for lunch afterwards. In talking with one of my friends she asked where I wanted to go. I haven't lived there in over 20 years, so I'm not entirely sure what the options were. In talking with her, I said that breakfast is easy for me, since I can just order eggs. We decided on a place. When I walked in, all I saw were booths. In the past, this was fear-inducing. Will I fit? Will I be able to breathe? Will my belly wind up hanging onto the table? Will people stare? Last week, though - no problem! Plus, inches to spare! For anyone who's struggled with obesity that's a huge accomplishment (no pun intended). Part of me can't wait to go to our local diner. I haven't been there in many months and I'm eager to just sit down and not have to request a table - that's awfully embarrassing... or even more embarrassing is them asking if a booth is ok. This is one check in the "win" box!
Another great thing about that lunch is that I haven't seen these women in over 2 years. It was wonderful catching up in person and not just via Facebook posts and messages or texts. But, while they know this is the path I'm on now, I haven't posted any recent photographs, so I was almost giddy at their reactions. I know, it still falls under the "water-off-a-duck's-back" concept, but it was still really nice to hear. Like my doctor/surgeon says, I'm with me everyday. It's only those who don't see me for a long stretch who will really notice.
I'd been slacking a bit with exercise, but also found myself unhappy with my weight loss numbers. I'm the only one who can change that, so I sucked up the pain (to a certain level - I still have to listen to my body) and hopped back on that bike. With having a TV in that room, I can stream shows and movies through amazon prime and not have to pay for an additional FiOS box. At this point, I'm doing about 7 miles in between 23-26 minutes. I have yet to put on that bathing suit and jump into the pool for water aerobics. With my mood all over the place I am not finding the energy to get up and at 'em in time. Hence my time on the bike (plus I don't have to leave the house - huge bonus some days).
Jewelry is also an issue for larger or obese women. It's not something I'd considered before it became an issue. Necklaces don't fit properly and if they do, they become chokers when they're not meant to be. I also kept having to get a larger and larger band to wear as a wedding ring. One Christmas, hubby got my original rings sized. I cried because it was the best gift. It made me feel normal again (if that makes sense). Now those rings are getting loose. Because of the heat, they aren't in danger of falling off, but I have to keep a eye on them so I don't lose them once the weather cools. Also, out of curiosity I tried on my college ring and wouldn't you know it fit? Such an amazing feeling. I still weigh (probably) 70 lbs more than I did then, but the fact that I could get it on and not have to cut if off was another win! I won't be wearing it anytime soon, but I moved the infinity ring hubs got me for Christmas to another finger so I could get used to it there and be prepared to wear my college ring again! Woo hoo!
This may sound really odd to someone who hasn't had the experience of losing significant weight, particularly when it's rapid, but skin starts to sag. It's not pretty, but it's all part of the journey. Well, I noticed the other day that my arm flab was less taut than it used to be. Yes, that's right, I'm having skin sag! It's hard to explain it, but it's a good feeling. I'm trying not to think about skin surgery so early in my journey, but it's something I may consider down the road, depending on the condition of my body when all's said and done. Insurance doesn't typically pay for it because they see it as cosmetic so it would create a rather sizable financial burden. At the same time, having this skin issue could create other problems, medical problems. One thing at a time, though. It was just exciting that there was some evidence I was able to see!
Now, this last one is still a source of anxiety for me. In a couple of months, we are going on vacation. The dietitian said to cross that hurdle when I come to it, but it's still a big uncertainty. Food is usually a big part of vacation. You get to eat out and have some foods you would otherwise avoid (have you heard of funnel fries -- YUM!). But this year will be vastly different. I don't want the Mr. to miss out on the yummy things they have there. I also treat myself to a drink or two while we're on vacation and that's a big no-no. I'll work around it and the dietitian will coach me before we go so I have ideas for restaurants. I have the protein bars, some of which are actually delicious. I can take stuff down to make protein shakes. I just don't want to be limited to chicken for all of my restaurant meals. I do know of one place with amazing scallops; they just can't be sauteed because of the butter. But I'm sure they will grill or broil, just like the steakhouse for hubby's birthday.
I know this has been a crazy-long post and thank you if you made it all the way through. Please forgive any disjointedness or typos but I've been writing like crazy to not delay this any longer and to make sure I didn't forget anything. I know there have been people who have expressed interest in this blog and how they have found support through it or are considering the surgery and want to read more. I can't tell you how much that means to you. Part of the reason I decided to make this blog public was to help even one person. Please, please, please, ask questions! You can bet I'll be honest. Heck, at this point it's all on the table anyway. Also, don't hesitate to join the site; you'll get an alert when I post in the event that I forget to put in on FB. You can find it in a blue box on the right side, below all of my profile info and right about "followers."
Well, hopefully things will get less eventful, although every day finds something new - a new food my tastebuds like and my body agrees with (or the opposite), or what exercise has been working and what may be causing some unnecessary pain. I'll also try to check in more often so you don't feel like you've just finished reading a bad novel by the time you reach the end.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Just a Few Days Left
Well, here we are. Surgery is in 5 days!!! Ahhhhhhhh!
I've been on a liquid diet since last Tuesday and have to go through next Monday (obviously I can't eat or drink the day of surgery). Let me tell you - this is HARD! The first few days I was cranky as cranky gets! I needed to CHEW something. NOW! My poor husband :( Well, I went back to the paperwork and saw that I can have Jell-O! Now there's something I can sink my teeth into - literally! Let me tell you, I've gone through a lot of Jell-O, but it has kept me from causing anyone physical harm. Ah, the power of Jell-O!
I had my pre-op appointment a few weeks back and loaded them with questions. They say that they love it, but I can't help but question what it's like being burdened down with questions and if that hinders their schedule, etc. It's me, being an idiot, being overly sensitive, being overly considerate. I've been told that I have to take care of me and that I'm worth their time. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Haha ( you'll see why I laugh at that soon enough).
I've learned so much about nutrition and reading specific things on food labels in the past few months. This will be an uphill battle. I'm not ignorant to that fact. We will be taking a LOAD of stuff to the local food bank because I'm not strong enough to have it in the house and not eat it. I can't go to the grocery store at this point because even the smells from the bakery will have me wanting to give up on the whole surgery (ok, so maybe that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea).
I'm having protein drinks every 3-4 hours and trying my darndest to get in my 64 oz of water. The thing is, I'm trying to perfect the art of "sipping" pre-op so it won't be such a transition afterwards. Who knew sipping was an art? I'm thankful that my program allows the use of straws, which is a variable among programs. My doc's program told me (I asked specifically) that there is no definitive research to prove they provide a risk. I know there are other programs who prohibit their use. While it's going to make it difficult to get in 64 oz (which doesn't include the protein shake... BOO!), sipping also makes it very difficult to get down all of my meds (the list seems endless) and supplements/vitamins. Some of the supplements are ordered by the bariatric surgeon; others I take because they're healthy or one specifically I take to prevent or slow down macular degeneration which is now in 2 generations of my family. Well, my psych meds are a must - I absolutely, 100%, no question cannot miss those! There are also my meds for blood pressure. The cholesterol med isn't necessary for the day of surgery, nor are many of the others.
So, I guess that's the latest in the wonderful word of the hippopotamus. Now, as the world of bariatrics says: I'm getting ready to climb onto the loser's bench.
I've been on a liquid diet since last Tuesday and have to go through next Monday (obviously I can't eat or drink the day of surgery). Let me tell you - this is HARD! The first few days I was cranky as cranky gets! I needed to CHEW something. NOW! My poor husband :( Well, I went back to the paperwork and saw that I can have Jell-O! Now there's something I can sink my teeth into - literally! Let me tell you, I've gone through a lot of Jell-O, but it has kept me from causing anyone physical harm. Ah, the power of Jell-O!
I had my pre-op appointment a few weeks back and loaded them with questions. They say that they love it, but I can't help but question what it's like being burdened down with questions and if that hinders their schedule, etc. It's me, being an idiot, being overly sensitive, being overly considerate. I've been told that I have to take care of me and that I'm worth their time. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Haha ( you'll see why I laugh at that soon enough).
I've learned so much about nutrition and reading specific things on food labels in the past few months. This will be an uphill battle. I'm not ignorant to that fact. We will be taking a LOAD of stuff to the local food bank because I'm not strong enough to have it in the house and not eat it. I can't go to the grocery store at this point because even the smells from the bakery will have me wanting to give up on the whole surgery (ok, so maybe that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea).
I'm having protein drinks every 3-4 hours and trying my darndest to get in my 64 oz of water. The thing is, I'm trying to perfect the art of "sipping" pre-op so it won't be such a transition afterwards. Who knew sipping was an art? I'm thankful that my program allows the use of straws, which is a variable among programs. My doc's program told me (I asked specifically) that there is no definitive research to prove they provide a risk. I know there are other programs who prohibit their use. While it's going to make it difficult to get in 64 oz (which doesn't include the protein shake... BOO!), sipping also makes it very difficult to get down all of my meds (the list seems endless) and supplements/vitamins. Some of the supplements are ordered by the bariatric surgeon; others I take because they're healthy or one specifically I take to prevent or slow down macular degeneration which is now in 2 generations of my family. Well, my psych meds are a must - I absolutely, 100%, no question cannot miss those! There are also my meds for blood pressure. The cholesterol med isn't necessary for the day of surgery, nor are many of the others.
So, I guess that's the latest in the wonderful word of the hippopotamus. Now, as the world of bariatrics says: I'm getting ready to climb onto the loser's bench.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Pre-Op Work-Up
Oh my word, this has been one heck of a journey so far and I'm only just starting. It is required for all bariatric surgery candidates to have a list of clearances before surgery. I needed a psych eval and my psychologist of nearly 16 years could provide far more information than any psychiatrist they would have me talk with for a couple of hours. I needed a sleep study. Well, I already use a C-Pap, so I just had the doc print out a report of recent use. I needed some initial blood work, which I had done from my primary a few weeks prior. I mailed all of that out to them. Finally is my cardiac clearance. He wanted me to have a nuclear stress test (since I can't go running on a treadmill - if I couldn't I likely wouldn't need the surgery in the first place) and an echo. I received calls after each of these to say that the results showed no abnormalities. I see the cardiologist on Monday and assume I will have that clearance then. The surgeon's office also ordered a number of labs, but when I went to have them done, I found out that my insurance wasn't going to cover those tests under the diagnostic code they used, which had added up to well over $500 and they hadn't run all of them through. I called the nurse at the surgeon's office to see if there was another code they could use (of course without committing insurance fraud). She called the lab and there are hoops she needs to jump through.
So, the next step is an endoscopy. The doctor is willing to allow me to do it in the hospital out here in the suburbs (usually all of this is done downtown and I don't drive downtown). He is going to speak with my GI to coordinate something.
I'm drinking protein drinks one meal per day (at this point) and am having high protein yogurt at least once a day. I'm testing things out and figuring out what works. I got a special bariatric surgery cookbook and it is providing a ton of information!
We joined a gym, although my membership is suspended for now. They offer aquatic classes and I plan on doing that. I don't know when I'll be allowed back in the pool and right now, I'm just waiting to see when surgery is. In the meantime I am riding my exercise bike. I'm losing - slowly but surely, I'm losing some pounds.
I am going to see an additional therapist to deal solely with my food and eating issues. I mean, obviously I have some, since I am a hippo. I can't go back to eating the way that caused me to become this.... well.... fat. I am an emotional eater and did find a book which deals with this topic, too. Perhaps it will be a jumping off point for that therapy. We'll see. My OCD has had me create a binder of information, printed from the computer and in page protectors, divided by topic. So yeah, I'm well-versed and ready to tackle this!
When's surgery? Everyone asks and I have to explain the above process to them. Hopefully soon I can give a solid date! Excited and Terrified. That's where I stand. And I think that's normal.
So, the next step is an endoscopy. The doctor is willing to allow me to do it in the hospital out here in the suburbs (usually all of this is done downtown and I don't drive downtown). He is going to speak with my GI to coordinate something.
I'm drinking protein drinks one meal per day (at this point) and am having high protein yogurt at least once a day. I'm testing things out and figuring out what works. I got a special bariatric surgery cookbook and it is providing a ton of information!
We joined a gym, although my membership is suspended for now. They offer aquatic classes and I plan on doing that. I don't know when I'll be allowed back in the pool and right now, I'm just waiting to see when surgery is. In the meantime I am riding my exercise bike. I'm losing - slowly but surely, I'm losing some pounds.
I am going to see an additional therapist to deal solely with my food and eating issues. I mean, obviously I have some, since I am a hippo. I can't go back to eating the way that caused me to become this.... well.... fat. I am an emotional eater and did find a book which deals with this topic, too. Perhaps it will be a jumping off point for that therapy. We'll see. My OCD has had me create a binder of information, printed from the computer and in page protectors, divided by topic. So yeah, I'm well-versed and ready to tackle this!
When's surgery? Everyone asks and I have to explain the above process to them. Hopefully soon I can give a solid date! Excited and Terrified. That's where I stand. And I think that's normal.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Bariatric Update
Hey all! I figured it was time for an update, so here it is :)
My psychologist has written a letter of support and approval for me to have the surgery. When I met with the cardiologist he wanted to wait until I had a few tests before giving his ok. I had a nuclear stress test two weeks ago and an echo last week. I see him on the 15th and expect full go-ahead.
I've been testing some protein drinks/shakes and went through what the dietitian sent with a highlighter and pen. I have studied my little heart out. I'm also setting up a consult with a therapist simply for eating and food issues. I've seen her before when my psychologist was gone and she was his student.
The next step is to have an endoscopy. The nurse said that they typically wait until later in the process before scheduling this, when I called and asked it to schedule since it will require some coordination (using my GI doc with the surgeon in the room). She called and said that the surgeon will be in touch with the GI doc in the next couple of weeks.
The nurse called to tell me that she received the information I sent with my C-Pap report and most recent blood work. She expressed some concern over my triglycerides and is sending me a script for new labs (which they run anyway). My sugar levels are elevated and there is a slight debate over if I should have a diabetes diagnosis or if I can be considered pre-diabetic assuming that my levels will decrease post-op.
After the endoscopy, I was told that the surgery is scheduled about 6 weeks out. In the meantime, I'm having a protein shake for breakfast and working to keep my sweets and carbs in check. The latter is HARD! I was so cranky yesterday because I fought the urge to have some Skinny Cow chocolates. I have to at least start to make big changes and not wait until after the operation. I will be on a liquid diet for both the 2 weeks pre- and post-op, then 2 weeks of pureed food (I refuse to eat pureed chicken!).
My husband and I have joined a gym, at which I will use the pool - possibly taking an aquatics class. My membership is on hold for now until I know when surgery is. I'm sure I'll be limited after surgery and will likely not be in the pool for some time. I did speak with the location nearest to me and she said that I can always activate my membership now and then freeze it again when I have surgery. I loathe the thought of squeezing myself into a bathing suit, but the exercise may help me lose some weight and get into a routine. For now, we'll see.....
I am both excited and terrified, but I have to do it. I'll try to post more often, or at least as I have updates.
My psychologist has written a letter of support and approval for me to have the surgery. When I met with the cardiologist he wanted to wait until I had a few tests before giving his ok. I had a nuclear stress test two weeks ago and an echo last week. I see him on the 15th and expect full go-ahead.
I've been testing some protein drinks/shakes and went through what the dietitian sent with a highlighter and pen. I have studied my little heart out. I'm also setting up a consult with a therapist simply for eating and food issues. I've seen her before when my psychologist was gone and she was his student.
The next step is to have an endoscopy. The nurse said that they typically wait until later in the process before scheduling this, when I called and asked it to schedule since it will require some coordination (using my GI doc with the surgeon in the room). She called and said that the surgeon will be in touch with the GI doc in the next couple of weeks.
The nurse called to tell me that she received the information I sent with my C-Pap report and most recent blood work. She expressed some concern over my triglycerides and is sending me a script for new labs (which they run anyway). My sugar levels are elevated and there is a slight debate over if I should have a diabetes diagnosis or if I can be considered pre-diabetic assuming that my levels will decrease post-op.
After the endoscopy, I was told that the surgery is scheduled about 6 weeks out. In the meantime, I'm having a protein shake for breakfast and working to keep my sweets and carbs in check. The latter is HARD! I was so cranky yesterday because I fought the urge to have some Skinny Cow chocolates. I have to at least start to make big changes and not wait until after the operation. I will be on a liquid diet for both the 2 weeks pre- and post-op, then 2 weeks of pureed food (I refuse to eat pureed chicken!).
My husband and I have joined a gym, at which I will use the pool - possibly taking an aquatics class. My membership is on hold for now until I know when surgery is. I'm sure I'll be limited after surgery and will likely not be in the pool for some time. I did speak with the location nearest to me and she said that I can always activate my membership now and then freeze it again when I have surgery. I loathe the thought of squeezing myself into a bathing suit, but the exercise may help me lose some weight and get into a routine. For now, we'll see.....
I am both excited and terrified, but I have to do it. I'll try to post more often, or at least as I have updates.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Taking the Plunge - Here's the Skinny
So it's true. I've decided. I'm going to have bariatric surgery! I know there are a couple of choices offered by my doctor's office and that the lap band isn't one of them. I think they were finding issues with it being a foreign body and slipping, but I'm sure that's not the case for everyone.
First, I should offer some info on the two procedures my doctor does.
Gastric bypass is the more drastic surgery, as it re-routes your digestive tract. It is also a longer surgery.
There are two steps during gastric bypass (emphasis mine) surgery:
First, I should offer some info on the two procedures my doctor does.
Gastric bypass is the more drastic surgery, as it re-routes your digestive tract. It is also a longer surgery.
There are two steps during gastric bypass (emphasis mine) surgery:
- The first step makes your stomach smaller. Your surgeon uses staples to divide your stomach into a small upper section and a larger bottom section. The top section of your stomach (called the pouch) is where the food you eat will go. The pouch is about the size of a walnut. It holds only about 1 ounce (oz) of food. Because of this you will eat less and lose weight.
- The second step is the bypass. Your surgeon connects a small part of your small intestine (the jejunum) to a small hole in your pouch. The food you eat will now travel from the pouch into this new opening and into your small intestine. As a result, your body will absorb fewer calories.
In [sleeve gastrectomy, aka: gastric sleeve]
Your surgeon makes 2 to 5 small cuts (incisions) in your belly.
- The scope and instruments needed to perform the surgery are inserted through these cuts.
- The camera is connected to a video monitor in the operating room. This allows the surgeon to view inside your belly while doing the operation.
- Your surgeon removes most of your stomach.
- The remaining portions of your stomach are joined together using surgical staples. This creates a long vertical tube or banana-shaped stomach.
- The surgery does not involve cutting or changing the sphincter muscles that allow food to enter or leave the stomach.
- The scope and other tools are removed. The cuts are stitched closed.
First I have to say - Praise God for laproscopic surgery!
I have chosen to have the sleeve procedure. Of course there are a plethora of tests before I am fully approved, but some of them I've had and others are simple. I do not drive in the city. Period. I saw the doctor in a satellite office and would like to see other docs in the general area. Hey, I'm open to 4-5 counties but not, I repeat NOT the city! While he operates in the city, my husband will be taking me and bringing me home (I'll be in 1-2 days barring any unforeseeable complications), so no city driving for me! My doc is so fabulous and is willing to work with me. For the psych eval, he will take a letter from my psychologist (an eval with their doc will offer far less in depth information. I have already had a sleep study and use a C-Pap machine. I can use an affiliated cardiologist here in the 'burbs. For the endoscopy, he knows my gastroenterologist and said he'd like to coordinate that so he can be in the room and view the procedure. I've had phone consults with both the nurse and the dietitian, who have encouraged me to call with questions and they will be in touch on a regular basis to ask if I have questions and to guide me through the steps both pre-op and post-op.
Certainly, as with any surgery, there are risks. I have researched them extensively. I know how my lifestyle MUST change after surgery. Not only will I be incredibly limited with what foods and how much food I can eat, but I know I will get sick if I go against the set regimen. Right now, I am trying different protein drinks to see what I like and what I don't. That way, when I get to the time where I am limited to only those drinks, I won't have to mess around with them and learn that some are downright disgusting! I am prepared to follow the plan and to exercise as soon as I'm medically cleared and have lost enough weight that the strain on my back is minimal. I'm not so much focused on the scale, but as a self-proclaimed "fat chick" the scale will always be a tool in gauging where I stand. Of course the way clothes fit and the ability to do more and more exercise will be huge indicators as well.
Because I take so many meds and drink intake at one sitting is limited, I am concerned about that, but have already alerted my doc to that concern. I'll speak more with the dietitian and RN about that.
Certainly, as with any surgery, there are risks. I have researched them extensively. I know how my lifestyle MUST change after surgery. Not only will I be incredibly limited with what foods and how much food I can eat, but I know I will get sick if I go against the set regimen. Right now, I am trying different protein drinks to see what I like and what I don't. That way, when I get to the time where I am limited to only those drinks, I won't have to mess around with them and learn that some are downright disgusting! I am prepared to follow the plan and to exercise as soon as I'm medically cleared and have lost enough weight that the strain on my back is minimal. I'm not so much focused on the scale, but as a self-proclaimed "fat chick" the scale will always be a tool in gauging where I stand. Of course the way clothes fit and the ability to do more and more exercise will be huge indicators as well.
Because I take so many meds and drink intake at one sitting is limited, I am concerned about that, but have already alerted my doc to that concern. I'll speak more with the dietitian and RN about that.
That's all for now. If you've had the sleeve, please let me know what your experience was. If you have questions, I have a huge binder full of information!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Dear Fat People (link), Followed by My Musings....
I'm going to just post the link to this video and a response.
I am one of those "obese" people.... I am super obese or morbidly obese. You may have seen this video already. In fact, since I've been gone for a while, I missed all of the hoopla surrounding this. I'm glad I did. I'm in a pretty vulnerable place right now and hearing all of this (I'm sure it was all over Facebook, too!) may have done me a lot of harm. I am not a fan of the language they use, but I think it gets the point across.
I'd like to know who got together and decided what BMI is and what weight/height determines your BMI. Several years ago I was trying to determine my BMI and came across these numbers (I'm sorry, I've forgotten the site so cannot reference it directly):
>18.5 = underweight
18.5-24.9 = "normal"
25-29.9 = overweight
30-34.9 = obese
35-39.9 = severely obese
40-49.9 = morbidly obese
50-59.9 = super obese
Another stat I found at that time was that the CDC says a person who is 5'5" and 180 lbs has a BMI of 30. Yes, that is heavy, but obese? I think we're putting ourselves in these boxes that force us to reach a certain number, be it weight or BMI. We're trapped by that number, as if it defines who we are. I am fat and it is the first thing people notice about me, making it the last thing sometimes. Hubby and I switch between 2 different eateries before we go to the grocery store. We often have the same servers. They often won't recognize us until they see me. I am fat. I am memorable because of it. That is truth.
Here is the NIH BMI calculator. Frankly, I find it absurd. I once found myself getting excited that I was severely obese. I had lost enough weight that my BMI made me slightly less likely to die from the effects of being a fat chick.
What are your thoughts? How do you determine when you've reached a goal you have in mind for losing weight? Personally, I want to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I'd like to take my dogs for a long walk. I'd like to fit in a bathroom stall comfortably. I'd like to take walks with my husband. I'd like to not squish my husband in an airplane - I mean you have to admit that you or someone you know is thankful they aren't next to the fat girl on an airplane. I'd like to be comfortable in my clothes (being comfortable in my body is too far off to be realistic; I've spent 43+ years hating myself and my body so that won't get fixed by losing weight). I'd like to go into a medical appointment and be told that I have to lose weight - some docs have gone so far as to say that I need to lose 150 lbs, as if that will solve all of my problems. I'd like to shop in a store and not be limited to clothes in a catalog, hoping they fit. I actually hit the last one about this time last year, but both my husband and myself went on some binges. My emotional eating came out in full a lot and I gained back all the weight and more. Now I have to lay on my bed and suck my stomach in after putting on jeans or shorts and sitting in them for a bit to stretch them out so they will hopefully button and zip. Even then, it's quite a chore to get them on again.
So, those are my musings immediately after hearing of this video and watching it, as well as the response. I do want to add that I accept the responsibility for each and every bite of food I put in my mouth. It is my doing that I can't walk well. I also want to say that my age (43), my medications, and both of those add in to a horrible metabolism, making it even more difficult to lose weight.
I'd really love to hear others' thoughts.
I am one of those "obese" people.... I am super obese or morbidly obese. You may have seen this video already. In fact, since I've been gone for a while, I missed all of the hoopla surrounding this. I'm glad I did. I'm in a pretty vulnerable place right now and hearing all of this (I'm sure it was all over Facebook, too!) may have done me a lot of harm. I am not a fan of the language they use, but I think it gets the point across.
I'd like to know who got together and decided what BMI is and what weight/height determines your BMI. Several years ago I was trying to determine my BMI and came across these numbers (I'm sorry, I've forgotten the site so cannot reference it directly):
>18.5 = underweight
18.5-24.9 = "normal"
25-29.9 = overweight
30-34.9 = obese
35-39.9 = severely obese
40-49.9 = morbidly obese
50-59.9 = super obese
Another stat I found at that time was that the CDC says a person who is 5'5" and 180 lbs has a BMI of 30. Yes, that is heavy, but obese? I think we're putting ourselves in these boxes that force us to reach a certain number, be it weight or BMI. We're trapped by that number, as if it defines who we are. I am fat and it is the first thing people notice about me, making it the last thing sometimes. Hubby and I switch between 2 different eateries before we go to the grocery store. We often have the same servers. They often won't recognize us until they see me. I am fat. I am memorable because of it. That is truth.
Here is the NIH BMI calculator. Frankly, I find it absurd. I once found myself getting excited that I was severely obese. I had lost enough weight that my BMI made me slightly less likely to die from the effects of being a fat chick.
What are your thoughts? How do you determine when you've reached a goal you have in mind for losing weight? Personally, I want to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I'd like to take my dogs for a long walk. I'd like to fit in a bathroom stall comfortably. I'd like to take walks with my husband. I'd like to not squish my husband in an airplane - I mean you have to admit that you or someone you know is thankful they aren't next to the fat girl on an airplane. I'd like to be comfortable in my clothes (being comfortable in my body is too far off to be realistic; I've spent 43+ years hating myself and my body so that won't get fixed by losing weight). I'd like to go into a medical appointment and be told that I have to lose weight - some docs have gone so far as to say that I need to lose 150 lbs, as if that will solve all of my problems. I'd like to shop in a store and not be limited to clothes in a catalog, hoping they fit. I actually hit the last one about this time last year, but both my husband and myself went on some binges. My emotional eating came out in full a lot and I gained back all the weight and more. Now I have to lay on my bed and suck my stomach in after putting on jeans or shorts and sitting in them for a bit to stretch them out so they will hopefully button and zip. Even then, it's quite a chore to get them on again.
So, those are my musings immediately after hearing of this video and watching it, as well as the response. I do want to add that I accept the responsibility for each and every bite of food I put in my mouth. It is my doing that I can't walk well. I also want to say that my age (43), my medications, and both of those add in to a horrible metabolism, making it even more difficult to lose weight.
I'd really love to hear others' thoughts.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Pondering
I've been pondering this blog post for awhile now. In fact I'm not entirely sure what I want to say and what not to say.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happy New Year?
I have to ask the question - is it a happy new year? It is the time of the year when people vow to D-I-E-T. Do you know how much I despise that word? It's almost as bad as the "F" word! Diets aren't for losing weight; lifestyle changes are what do it. So, for those people making RESOLUTIONS <ugh> to lose weight, do you have a plan or is it just the general "eat better, " "drink less soda," or "go to the gym more?"
Do I have a plan? Yes, I do. My husband's car is paid off in the Spring and we are going to join the "Y." I am going to take water aerobics classes. I am going to eat less junk food, fewer calories, not have a full dessert every night for dessert and pay attention to <gasp> portion size. Yes, these things are all important. No, they are not "fun." I have to admit the last water aerobics class I took was pretty fun!
However, I have surgery this week and am going to be laid up for 4-6 weeks. That gets us that much closer to when we can get to a workout facility. I do have an exercise bike here (recumbent, so better on my back), but I'll still be very limited with any extreme movement for a bit.
I lost 75 lbs in 2007 and it felt great! Then some stuff happened and I gained it all back, not able to go to the gym or interested in eating right. Well, I had surgery that year, too! Maybe this is a sign. (no, I don't really believe in signs) So, is anyone with me? Does anyone want to join in? We can share progress reports!
Do I have a plan? Yes, I do. My husband's car is paid off in the Spring and we are going to join the "Y." I am going to take water aerobics classes. I am going to eat less junk food, fewer calories, not have a full dessert every night for dessert and pay attention to <gasp> portion size. Yes, these things are all important. No, they are not "fun." I have to admit the last water aerobics class I took was pretty fun!
However, I have surgery this week and am going to be laid up for 4-6 weeks. That gets us that much closer to when we can get to a workout facility. I do have an exercise bike here (recumbent, so better on my back), but I'll still be very limited with any extreme movement for a bit.
I lost 75 lbs in 2007 and it felt great! Then some stuff happened and I gained it all back, not able to go to the gym or interested in eating right. Well, I had surgery that year, too! Maybe this is a sign. (no, I don't really believe in signs) So, is anyone with me? Does anyone want to join in? We can share progress reports!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Home Again, Home Again
Well, it's official, I am at my highest weight ever, although I only gained 1 lb while on a 10 day vacation in Disney World (WDW). The seat belt extender worked fine, but my poor husband wasn't comfy sitting in the seat next to me - we both couldn't lean back, as our shoulders didn't "fit."
I had someone take a picture of my husband and myself, despite the fact that I despise that. I am tired of being this weight, looking this way, feeling this way... BEING this way. So, that picture can serve as my "before" photo. Now, I am having major surgery next week and will not be allowed to do even light exercise for at least a month afterwards. However, when I lost 75 lbs before, I had ankle surgery that May and was unable to do anything for 6 weeks. I had a trip to WDW the end of that year, too. Oh right, did I mention that we're booked to back the end of next year, too. Yes, it will be my 11th trip and yes, I know that I am fanatical.
You know, maybe this is just the right combo for success: it's a new year, I'm having surgery and I have a trip to Disney planned for the end of the year. When I get within 20 lbs of goal weight (136 lbs away, though at this point I'd be happy with it being 126 lbs away), my father will send us on a cruise. It's not exactly a "carrot" since it's been out there for 6-7 yrs, but I won't turn it down, that's for darn sure!!
So, I have some food leftover that we bought on vacation and then it's on to my new lifestyle. D-I-E-T is a 4-letter word in this house. People go on and off diets, but this is something that has to be a change everyday for the rest of my life. Will I allow myself to have some sweets which aren't "light" or enjoy dessert most nights? Absolutely! I would be setting myself up for failure otherwise! A few more days of being less-than-careful and then it's "new way of eating" for me!
I had someone take a picture of my husband and myself, despite the fact that I despise that. I am tired of being this weight, looking this way, feeling this way... BEING this way. So, that picture can serve as my "before" photo. Now, I am having major surgery next week and will not be allowed to do even light exercise for at least a month afterwards. However, when I lost 75 lbs before, I had ankle surgery that May and was unable to do anything for 6 weeks. I had a trip to WDW the end of that year, too. Oh right, did I mention that we're booked to back the end of next year, too. Yes, it will be my 11th trip and yes, I know that I am fanatical.
You know, maybe this is just the right combo for success: it's a new year, I'm having surgery and I have a trip to Disney planned for the end of the year. When I get within 20 lbs of goal weight (136 lbs away, though at this point I'd be happy with it being 126 lbs away), my father will send us on a cruise. It's not exactly a "carrot" since it's been out there for 6-7 yrs, but I won't turn it down, that's for darn sure!!
So, I have some food leftover that we bought on vacation and then it's on to my new lifestyle. D-I-E-T is a 4-letter word in this house. People go on and off diets, but this is something that has to be a change everyday for the rest of my life. Will I allow myself to have some sweets which aren't "light" or enjoy dessert most nights? Absolutely! I would be setting myself up for failure otherwise! A few more days of being less-than-careful and then it's "new way of eating" for me!
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