Two years ago yesterday, my life changed. Two years ago yesterday, I took my biggest step in this very long journey. Two years ago yesterday, I did something some people think is the "easy" way out. Two years ago yesterday, I had bariatric surgery. I had a sleeve gastrectomy.
In the months between my initial appointment and my surgery date, I thought things were the most difficult they'd get. I had multiple appointments each week for tests and clearances, not to mention a couple of very large health scares. I didn't know it then, but that was just the beginning of this roller coaster... a roller coaster I'd ride again and wish I rode years prior.
I'm going to take the lead of a friend of mine who also had the sleeve surgery and talk about what I miss since surgery.
I miss pasta, rice, and bread (and oh boy do I!).
I miss ice cream (although Halo Top is pretty darn good).
I miss fast food - because sometimes you just want some fries and a Frosty.
I miss beef (because my sleeve doesn't tolerate it well), but a good burger or a nice filet sound really yummy, especially as we enter grilling season.
But I also have a list of things I don't miss...
I don't miss dreading my PCP's office calling with lab results, only to learn my blood sugar is pre-diabetic and my triglycerides and cholesterol are high.
I don't miss being embarrassed meeting new people and ashamed when I went with my husband to a work function.
I don't miss thinking how I'd like to do something (like going to the mountains to see waterfalls, for instance), but knowing that it wasn't feasible because I didn't have the physical stamina.
I don't miss having to skip rides at Disney because I didn't fit (or not trying because I was worried I wouldn't and couldn't bear that embarrassment).
I don't miss people asking if I was pregnant. This one was especially painful as a woman unable to bear children.
I don't miss being the most obvious, most stared-at person in the room, while simultaneously being the most invisible.
I don't miss being given the once-over at the airport to determine if I need to buy an extra seat.
I don't miss needing to ask for a seat belt extender when I did fly.
I don't miss getting winded walking up a flight of stairs.
I don't miss being forced to shop online because I wore a size too large to be carried in stores.
I don't miss needing to catch my breath after bending over to tie my shoes.
I don't miss being treated as sub-human, being ignored, and being talked "at."
I don't miss not being able to take my dogs for a walk.
I don't miss dreading the sight of a restaurant booth,.
I don't miss having to squeeze into the the drivers side of the car or an airplane seat.
I don't miss my C-PAP machine!
I don't miss taking 2 different blood pressure medications.
I don't miss people making judgments of me based solely on my size.
I don't miss people offering hugs to others but not to me (obesity is not contagious!).
I don't miss doctors dismissing very real and unrelated symptoms, blaming them on my weight.
*these lists are not by any means exhaustive, just limited by my current brain shutdown.
The list of things I miss...those are all tangible. But most of the things I don't miss are the opposite - they can't be held or touched or bought. They are intangible and they weren't going away unless I lost the weight.
On another note, 7 weeks ago today I had my panniculectomy. I saw the surgeon on Monday and he is pleased with how I'm healing. He said I don't have to return for 6 weeks, which about sent me into shock. I've seen him at least every week or two for the past 7 weeks. I think I'm going to have withdrawal!
I also saw my bariatric surgeon this week. While the 5 lbs of skin removed during my panniculectomy would have put me at half of my highest weight, I remain the same weight I was the day of surgery (I suspect due to fluid retention...that, and not being able to workout). I'm a stubborn woman (although the word tenacious is so much nicer, isn't it?) and will get to that 163 lb mark so I can officially be half of my former self. It just may take some time to do it because I'm slightly less strict with my diet than I was a year ago. However, the bariatric surgeon said that he wishes all of his patients were as successful as I've been, since I've maintained my weight within about 5 pounds for the past year.
You've come to learn that I'm very open about my journey and want to help out anyone I can. Please don't hesitate to share my blog if you know someone considering surgery or who has had surgery (either bariatric or skin removal).
Thanks for taking the time to read this!
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Friday, May 25, 2018
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Cancelled Surgery and My Mood
It's not easy to admit, but my mood has taken a real hit since surgery was cancelled. This process has been very difficult for me for reasons I'm choosing not to reveal in such an open forum. Suffice it to say, having to delay it has really affected me. I feel more depressed and sometimes that means I want to eat emotionally - which is never veggies, I can tell you that!
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Time Marches On...
I can't believe it happened - again! I've gone months and seemingly ignored this blog, although I haven't forgotten about it! Honest!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
I was incredibly concerned about food at Disney. It's always been one of our favorite things about our Disney vacations (this was my 13th trip; it was our 9th trip together, including our "Disneymoon"). We got the text that our room was ready and it turns out we'd been upgraded to "Club" (aka: concierge) Level. You know what that means? Free food! It also meant that we walked out onto our balcony the first night at the Wilderness Lodge after a long day at 2 different parks, and watched the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle. We were downright giddy! We'd also been eligible for the Free Dining promotion they offered. We weren't going to pay for the dining plan; I simply don't eat that much, but it was free, so we grabbed on! I tried some new foods and did well until the last day when I tried a few too many new things in one day and my sleeve rebelled (I vomited). Other than that, I did quite well. I even lost weight because of all the walking we do at Disney. It was an extraordinary vacation! We still enjoyed some great food, we had the upgrade, we were at our favorite place on Earth (the adult-exclusive beach, called Serenity Bay, at Disney's private island, Castaway Cay where we floated on mats in the clear ocean and just hung out talking - all the while our backs getting burnt, as we were laying on our stomachs), and we were on a phenomenal new ride, Seven Dwarfs Mine Train, during the nighttime fireworks. And those were just the highlights!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
59 weeks on 7/11/17
Wow, is it seriously Summer?? And how did I go so long between posts?
Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.
I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery. So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like? I'll tell you, it's not easy. I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully! The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week. I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.
So there I was. Stuck in the hospital. Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus. Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix. Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time! But I survived. I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission. My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian. Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!
Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week. Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).
Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand. Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two). A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery. More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all. It would seriously interfere with my training. After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.
Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy. Ugh! I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here. I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality. Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much. I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation. I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home. Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap. We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes. They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too! This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work. Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure! It's something, right?
Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May. He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...
When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home. Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?). By nighttime I was famished! Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries. Blah. There is only so much of one food a person can have. At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull. Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes. I had to mix it up. Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous. And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies. It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months. Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet. It took a bit, but I've given them up. I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!
My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding. Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture). I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture. Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence. For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall. But I forgot them...grrrr! At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)
It's a funny thing. When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice. Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look. It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see. I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me. But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent. I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging. Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time! At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.
The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery. He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment. My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal. I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him. Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift! Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight. Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get. Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!
Vacation... we're going to Disney World!! This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical! We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days. Food is going to be very different from past trips. In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there. So many options, so many yummy options! This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick. It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit! GASP! What? Yes, a bathing suit. I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route. I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.
I'm on a super supportive bariatric site. I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out. I admit, it's upsetting. Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers. It was something I needed to hear. Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s. None of these things add up to quick weight-loss. I've also been inconsistent with my workouts. I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses. Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it! It's still part of the self-hatred, though.... Hey, what can I do but work on it?
Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer. I'll also try to post more often.
Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.
I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery. So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like? I'll tell you, it's not easy. I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully! The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week. I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.
So there I was. Stuck in the hospital. Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus. Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix. Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time! But I survived. I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission. My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian. Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!
Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week. Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).
Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand. Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two). A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery. More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all. It would seriously interfere with my training. After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.
Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy. Ugh! I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here. I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality. Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much. I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation. I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home. Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap. We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes. They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too! This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work. Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure! It's something, right?
Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May. He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...
When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home. Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?). By nighttime I was famished! Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries. Blah. There is only so much of one food a person can have. At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull. Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes. I had to mix it up. Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous. And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies. It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months. Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet. It took a bit, but I've given them up. I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!
My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding. Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture). I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture. Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence. For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall. But I forgot them...grrrr! At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)
It's a funny thing. When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice. Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look. It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see. I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me. But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent. I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging. Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time! At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.
The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery. He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment. My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal. I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him. Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift! Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight. Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get. Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!
Vacation... we're going to Disney World!! This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical! We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days. Food is going to be very different from past trips. In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there. So many options, so many yummy options! This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick. It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit! GASP! What? Yes, a bathing suit. I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route. I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.
I'm on a super supportive bariatric site. I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out. I admit, it's upsetting. Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers. It was something I needed to hear. Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s. None of these things add up to quick weight-loss. I've also been inconsistent with my workouts. I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses. Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it! It's still part of the self-hatred, though.... Hey, what can I do but work on it?
Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer. I'll also try to post more often.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
How Has a Month Passed?
Let's see.... I guess the biggest thing has been vacation to Ocean City, MD. I won't sugar-coat it - it was HARD! I took my Magic Bullet and protein powder with me, as well as protein bars. I was clear with servers when I ordered that I was on a very strict diet and proceeded with my ordering (cooked "this" way and with "this" and without "that") and had very good experiences each time. We were down the shore so the smells on the boardwalk were beyond temping. I mean, funnel cake/fries, deep fried Oreos, caramel corn, salt water taffy, fudge... need I go on? There are also some restaurants with amazing food and I was too limited to enjoy it. Next year, that will be different, but I am just over 17 weeks out, so it's still early in the grand scheme of things. Hubby was a trooper and didn't get any of the boardwalk junk food. There was free breakfast at the hotel, but the only thing I could have was eggs and they didn't even have Egg Beaters; it wouldn't have been ideal to have a heart attack before we arrived back home. I had taken stuff for protein shakes and I brought plenty of protein bars, so I made it work. We went down to Assateague several times and had some mind-blowing wild pony "interactions" (there are warnings everywhere with reminders that these animals are wild and may bite, charge, etc). Here are some of my favorite pictures - ponies and others:
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| The view from our room - pretty spectacular! |
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| Our first day at Assateague. Yes, the ponies were *that close* |
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| More spectacular ponies on our first trip to Assateague. |
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| Sunset on the bay. |
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| Our final day at Assateague. |
I have had some issues with my back and hips for some times. It's one of the many downfalls of obesity. It was time for hubs and me to get a new bed. Our old one was 18 years old -- an adult HAHA We wound up with a Tempur-Pedic and it was delivered yesterday. The head and foot raise independently and it's pretty cool. Different is hard and different takes some getting used to. The verdict is out, but if our "test ride" at the store is any indication, this is going to be one great bed! We got the split one, so hubby and I can independently determine our own perfect settings. It'll be great once we get it just right!
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We celebrated my Mom's birthday the end of July and my Uncle's wife took this picture. Not bad, huh? Thanks, Lynn! |
We had a second photo shoot done.
I was going to water aerobics at the gym, but it's hard and I have to get up super early to get in a full meal or sleep a bit later and eat less protein and then come home and figure out what to do with the dogs while I shower. I feel so guilty if Poly is in the kennel. I'm not done with water aerobics, just taking a break for now. I have a bike at home (as I've mentioned before) and with the TV, I've been able to do about 45 minutes and around 13 miles.
Another thing since surgery: I got a MedicAlert bracelet. Anyone who has had bariatric surgery shouldn't have blind intubations done. That, along with some other conditions seemed important for any emergency medical personnel to know. Well, I have a dear friend who makes beautiful jewelry. I was going to try to do it myself, since I have done some very elementary bracelet making. I decided to contact Dezetta, of Dezetta's Dezigns, to put it all together. When I ordered the bracelet, I had to make sure that it had clasps at either end so it could be switched out. The least expensive one which fit that qualification had a very ugly, but I knew I would have some beautiful options.
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| See for yourself! It's not the greatest picture, but gives you an idea. The blue goes with just about everything, then there's a teal one and a coral colored one (which I'm wearing). She took the black shiny beads and made something extra fancy for those big dates. I LOVE them! |
I've been able to stand more and walk further. I've done some cooking and hubby has been more open than I expected to trying some of my bariatric recipes. I've taken the dogs for a walk... yesterday was 1.3 miles - I had to get Casey out of the house while the bed was being delivered. He was very happy, but very tired.... as was I!
I think that covers the basics for now. Plugging along.....
Monday, June 20, 2016
Day 27 and Moodiness Abounds (Not to Mention Some Serious Anxiety)
I won't be weighing again until tomorrow, but I felt like I had to write.
I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out. This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult. I'm not exactly sure why. I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food. There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites. I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy! I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them! I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.
I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods. I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left. But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is scary. I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure). Can I eat veggies? Will my pouch allow meat? What about eating out? Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat. I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies. But what can I eat? What should I eat? What will I eat? Will it be accepted by my sleeve?
I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit. I wasall mostly ready to go to water aerobics. Yesterday Keith and I went and checked out the gym so I knew where I was going, etc. I got halfway there and realized that I didn't have the lock for a locker. I wasn't about to leave my keys and wallet in an unsecured locker. Well, I got home and was SO frustrated. I admit that I was angry, thinking that Keith was the last one to touch it and he must have put it somewhere and that I didn't know where it was. Please, forgive me Keith. My anger was unfounded. I went again to check the bedroom and found the lock tucked in the quilt folds. I felt like such an idiot. My anger was for nothing and had I looked closer, I would have found it and been able to start water aerobics. Wednesday I know I won't be able to go for the class (which is fine; I can always go and walk the pool). The days I have afternoon appointments will be difficult to do the class, but somehow I have to make it work. Hey, I'll (probably) be starting at the 4 week mark. That's not half bad, huh??
That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already. I'm so ticked off! I can't handle going deeper into the darkness. I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two. I started out with this stupid mental illness. I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear. I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure). Now I feel like I'm back where I started.
What the heck is going on? I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned. I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies. I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen. The doctor visits. The tests. The clearances. The liquid diet - twice. The pureed diet. Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow. If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that. I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect. I NEED to be successful. This is the final attempt to get this fat off. I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know I've rambled about this emotion thing. It's just such a big part of who I am. I return to my food/eating therapist this week. We'll see how that goes..... Thanks again!
I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out. This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult. I'm not exactly sure why. I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food. There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites. I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy! I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them! I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.
I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods. I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left. But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is scary. I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure). Can I eat veggies? Will my pouch allow meat? What about eating out? Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat. I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies. But what can I eat? What should I eat? What will I eat? Will it be accepted by my sleeve?
I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit. I was
That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already. I'm so ticked off! I can't handle going deeper into the darkness. I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two. I started out with this stupid mental illness. I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear. I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure). Now I feel like I'm back where I started.
What the heck is going on? I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned. I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies. I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen. The doctor visits. The tests. The clearances. The liquid diet - twice. The pureed diet. Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow. If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that. I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect. I NEED to be successful. This is the final attempt to get this fat off. I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know I've rambled about this emotion thing. It's just such a big part of who I am. I return to my food/eating therapist this week. We'll see how that goes..... Thanks again!
Monday, June 29, 2015
Pondering
I've been pondering this blog post for awhile now. In fact I'm not entirely sure what I want to say and what not to say.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
Friday, March 13, 2015
There is no title.....
I'm at a loss. Really, a total loss - and not the weight kind. My emotional eating has taken me back up to the weight I was when I started Weight Watchers (and maybe a little more, but I haven't gotten on the scale in a couple of weeks).
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Wintertime has Been Evil
Ok, so maybe "evil" isn't the right word, but winter sure has gotten to me. Granted I'd given up walking the dogs back in Autumn (I think) but I also don't have any motivation to do it in this mess, either. I don't have any energy to ride my exercise bike. But... I am in PT for a number of things (the physical therapist saw the script and said "what happened?" I saw him back in 2013 for my pre-op attempt at avoidance. There are so many things on there he just didn't know where to start.
Eating. UGH! I haven't stuck to Weight Watchers at all. I have added a few meals here and there - the same meals I was eating on the plan. I just didn't track all the junk I've been putting in my body. Last time I saw my PCP I refused the scale. She thinks I'm still down 30 pounds. I didn't realize until I left and saw the paper she'd written on, but I didn't make any attempt to fix it.
I'm embarrassed. People stare and I want to say "I'm a middle-aged woman, so have the metabolism of a turtle, and am on enough meds to kill a horse.... oh, and by the way, nearly all of them have weight gain as a side effect; did I mention that I'm bipolar and severe depression makes me almost have negative motivation." Now, you, "skinny person" stop staring and understand that things are not as cut and dry as you think they are. So, go have a burger!
Tonight is an excellent example of our food intake of late: hubby is picking up hoagies and chips and we will have some drinks - granted it's usually one form or another of Coke Zero and when I'm not drinking water, it's either one of the Coke Zeros or diet, decaf iced tea. One of my new meds has me on Lithium which causes me to have a metal taste in my mouth all the time, so drinking waster isn't as easy as it used to be. I go as long into the day as I can with water, but at some point, I have to switch to something with taste. Plus, wow, some of those un-coated meds are nasty!
I need fruit! I think fruit will help get me back on track - and not the canned stuff, because while I'm eating Libby's no sugar added mandarin oranges in the can, I could really go for an apple that doesn't cost $1600 a pound! Ok, we do have bananas, but I'm a brat and they have to be green or have at least some green on them. I'm not a fan of banana mush or banana baby food.
That is that. Wintertime isn't my friend this year.
Eating. UGH! I haven't stuck to Weight Watchers at all. I have added a few meals here and there - the same meals I was eating on the plan. I just didn't track all the junk I've been putting in my body. Last time I saw my PCP I refused the scale. She thinks I'm still down 30 pounds. I didn't realize until I left and saw the paper she'd written on, but I didn't make any attempt to fix it.
I'm embarrassed. People stare and I want to say "I'm a middle-aged woman, so have the metabolism of a turtle, and am on enough meds to kill a horse.... oh, and by the way, nearly all of them have weight gain as a side effect; did I mention that I'm bipolar and severe depression makes me almost have negative motivation." Now, you, "skinny person" stop staring and understand that things are not as cut and dry as you think they are. So, go have a burger!
Tonight is an excellent example of our food intake of late: hubby is picking up hoagies and chips and we will have some drinks - granted it's usually one form or another of Coke Zero and when I'm not drinking water, it's either one of the Coke Zeros or diet, decaf iced tea. One of my new meds has me on Lithium which causes me to have a metal taste in my mouth all the time, so drinking waster isn't as easy as it used to be. I go as long into the day as I can with water, but at some point, I have to switch to something with taste. Plus, wow, some of those un-coated meds are nasty!
I need fruit! I think fruit will help get me back on track - and not the canned stuff, because while I'm eating Libby's no sugar added mandarin oranges in the can, I could really go for an apple that doesn't cost $1600 a pound! Ok, we do have bananas, but I'm a brat and they have to be green or have at least some green on them. I'm not a fan of banana mush or banana baby food.
That is that. Wintertime isn't my friend this year.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Frustrated
The title just about sums it up.
Now, where to start?
I am a born-again Christian. I'm sure some people will stop reading immediately and unsubscribe. And you know what? I'm good with that. I mean, I don't want anyone to go. I'm starting with small enough numbers as it is. But it's true. I am a sinner and I am sure that God has forgiven me through the life and death/sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. I tell you that because I want to lay that on the table and give you a filter through which you can use for future posts and comments.
So, my church of nearly 14 years has dissolved. It was a church plant, meaning that a larger church saw a need in this neck of the woods. My understanding is that specifically for my church, there were a lot of people at the larger church who lived in my area and a church plant would offer them a place to worship nearer their homes.
Now that I've gone on and on about that...
The closing of my church leaves me looking for a new church family. That is the source of some frustration and certainly a lot of stress! There is a church we've been attending for several months now. Welike love the preaching. The pastor, his wife, and their 4 kids are amazing. I guess a big hindrance for us is the music. MrB's main ministry involvement is in music. He really enjoys playing on the worship team and did so most every week at our last church. We've spoken with the pastor of the "new" church and he would really like to update the music. It seems the big snag is how some of the older members of the church might react to more contemporary music. The pastor will be speaking with others on the elder board to see if it would be possible to add some "beat" into the songs.
I'm absolutely bogged down with medical stuff. One doctor refers me to another doctor who orders tests, or at least another doctor to discuss if a test is necessary. It's crazy. I've been prioritizing the urgency of each appt or test. The pile of papers I have from doctors is insane. I'm trying to keep organized, but it's hard. First and foremost I have to try to keep current the diagnoses and medication for existing conditions. That already means a ton of appts and labs. Some of the docs to whom I've been referred consider me a new patient, either because it's been so long since I've been, or because I am actually a new patient. This means that it's a long time before there is a new patient appt available. Meanwhile other stuff is on hold until those appts occur and/or until I can have a specific test. Needless to say it's another source of frustration, for sure.
Sir Groundhog. At least that's what we call him. He travels between the yards of several people in the neighborhood. Needless to say, our yard is one of those "blessed" yards. I'm sure I've mentioned that we have two dogs (as well as two cats). These dogs are wild about Sir Groundhog. They literally go wild. There is incessant barking and vertical jumping. The video to the right is what I mean. Ok, evidently the video refuses to load onto this page. Grrrr! And I just went looking for an emoticon for the "grrrr" and don't see them anywhere. Grrrr squared!
Ok, just throwing it out there -- I'm frustrated with being FAT! My weight has fluctuated ever since I was a kid. I'm pretty sure I've already posted about that and it's not really vital to today. Anyway my weight has gone up and down, mostly up in the past decade. I weigh more than 100 lbs than I did when I stopped working in late 2000. 100 pounds. Let that sit with you for a minute. I have to say that I'm on a bunch of meds and many of the cause weight gain and/or slow my metabolism. I do have a number of medical conditions which preclude my ability to workout like a "normal" preson. Add to the mix that I'm in my early 40s and it's a recipe for failure. It's not an excuse, just a statement of fact. I was all ready to join a gym a couple of months back... and to get a personal trainer. When I mentioned some of the major physical stuff he said that he wanted a doc's clearance before he'd work with me. That has turned into a nightmare of coordinating physician's service and the joy of hours on the phone with the insurance company. All that to say I'm stuck in this place... If I may make a sports reference (and only because MrB had the game on), it's like a baseball player running back and forth between two bases.
I could continue my rant and my griping, but I'm sure I did enough of that for now (and for a long time to come). I've been working on this for several days now, getting distracted with the dogs, email, searching for new blinds, etc. Perhaps that explains the length. Either that or I'm making excuses again...
Now, where to start?
I am a born-again Christian. I'm sure some people will stop reading immediately and unsubscribe. And you know what? I'm good with that. I mean, I don't want anyone to go. I'm starting with small enough numbers as it is. But it's true. I am a sinner and I am sure that God has forgiven me through the life and death/sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. I tell you that because I want to lay that on the table and give you a filter through which you can use for future posts and comments.
So, my church of nearly 14 years has dissolved. It was a church plant, meaning that a larger church saw a need in this neck of the woods. My understanding is that specifically for my church, there were a lot of people at the larger church who lived in my area and a church plant would offer them a place to worship nearer their homes.
Now that I've gone on and on about that...
The closing of my church leaves me looking for a new church family. That is the source of some frustration and certainly a lot of stress! There is a church we've been attending for several months now. We
I'm absolutely bogged down with medical stuff. One doctor refers me to another doctor who orders tests, or at least another doctor to discuss if a test is necessary. It's crazy. I've been prioritizing the urgency of each appt or test. The pile of papers I have from doctors is insane. I'm trying to keep organized, but it's hard. First and foremost I have to try to keep current the diagnoses and medication for existing conditions. That already means a ton of appts and labs. Some of the docs to whom I've been referred consider me a new patient, either because it's been so long since I've been, or because I am actually a new patient. This means that it's a long time before there is a new patient appt available. Meanwhile other stuff is on hold until those appts occur and/or until I can have a specific test. Needless to say it's another source of frustration, for sure.
Sir Groundhog. At least that's what we call him. He travels between the yards of several people in the neighborhood. Needless to say, our yard is one of those "blessed" yards. I'm sure I've mentioned that we have two dogs (as well as two cats). These dogs are wild about Sir Groundhog. They literally go wild. There is incessant barking and vertical jumping. The video to the right is what I mean. Ok, evidently the video refuses to load onto this page. Grrrr! And I just went looking for an emoticon for the "grrrr" and don't see them anywhere. Grrrr squared!
Ok, just throwing it out there -- I'm frustrated with being FAT! My weight has fluctuated ever since I was a kid. I'm pretty sure I've already posted about that and it's not really vital to today. Anyway my weight has gone up and down, mostly up in the past decade. I weigh more than 100 lbs than I did when I stopped working in late 2000. 100 pounds. Let that sit with you for a minute. I have to say that I'm on a bunch of meds and many of the cause weight gain and/or slow my metabolism. I do have a number of medical conditions which preclude my ability to workout like a "normal" preson. Add to the mix that I'm in my early 40s and it's a recipe for failure. It's not an excuse, just a statement of fact. I was all ready to join a gym a couple of months back... and to get a personal trainer. When I mentioned some of the major physical stuff he said that he wanted a doc's clearance before he'd work with me. That has turned into a nightmare of coordinating physician's service and the joy of hours on the phone with the insurance company. All that to say I'm stuck in this place... If I may make a sports reference (and only because MrB had the game on), it's like a baseball player running back and forth between two bases.
I could continue my rant and my griping, but I'm sure I did enough of that for now (and for a long time to come). I've been working on this for several days now, getting distracted with the dogs, email, searching for new blinds, etc. Perhaps that explains the length. Either that or I'm making excuses again...
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
The Joys of Physical Therapy
Yep, I'm in PT. The results of my MRI are in. I've done an excellent job. My motto: "If you're going to do it, do it well!" It seems I followed through on this one. I have a few torn ligaments, a messed up tendon and a badly bruised bone - all on my left ankle. Yep. I did a good job.
I went to the yucky doctor, got the MRI results and scheduled a follow-up planning to cancel it (well before the date). He looked at the MRI disc and told me about the ligaments and bone finds (as I think I already wrote about). My good doc appointment was set for 8/9 and I was good to go. I woke up on Monday, 7/15 to a call from the good doc's office - I was on the cancellation list and they had an opening at 2:30 THAT DAY and could I make it. SOLD, I'll be there!!
He had a hard copy of the results and I had the CD with the films on them. He looked at them and added the tendon injury to the already job well-done. He ordered PT with an immediate goal being to get out of the boot. For some reason, I was up for it when he ordered it. I called the PT place the next day and had an appointment for the next day to have an evaluation! He also addressed the right ankle and gave me a brace for it. He is a podiatrist so can only deal with the ankles, but I knew that going in and am willing to suffer through while these specific injuries our dealt with. Yes, my knee causes pretty severe pain but I just can't put up with finding another doctor to handle that right now. If it gets worse, I'll think about it, but being in PT three times a week and mental health therapy twice a week, I'm pretty busy. I know, it sounds like excuses, but I can only be so busy!
I had the eval and when I went to leave found out that my secondary insurance claims I am not on the policy. HUH?? I had asked the facility when I scheduled if they took both of my insurances. They did, but for some reason I'm suddenly dropped? I've had many other claims since the beginning of the year (when the new plan began) and have been arguing with them over a number of claims for months. I called the insurance and they said that I am indeed on the policy but that this PT facility isn't capitated for my specific coverage. They gave me the name and number for a new place to go - someplace more than my current 5 minutes away. Oh. My. Gosh! Is this happening? I called the woman at the facility and told her what was going on. She spoke with a manager/supervisor and was told that they would essentially eat whatever isn't covered by my primary insurance. WOW! I realize that this is a new location for this company but they sure don't have to be this wonderful about it! In doing this, since my secondary insurance isn't being billed, I no longer have to get a referral! It doesn't get any better than this.
So, my ankle measurements, as far as flexibility, are pretty bad - not a surprise. I have a number of exercises to do here at the house and even more to add to it when I'm with the therapist. Last week, he added 6 minutes on the bike. I lost 65-70 lbs a number of years back with my main exercise being the bike (recumbent bike, specifically). Perhaps I can get motivated to use it on a regular basis - we do have one in our spare bedroom. My injuries were hurting after having the boot on ALL day on Sunday and my knee had had enough. There was a surprise party for my father on Sunday and I was working all day until he showed up - and then I had to visit with people and was on my feet a lot. Anyway, my left ankle and right knee were killing me a minute into the bike, but I pushed through and made it all 6 minutes. Whew! Now if I can only make it up to 25-30 minutes or more, that would be ideal. In the meantime, working on it....
If it's possible, I'm getting less exercise than normal since I got hurt. I'm walking less back and forth to the kitchen or even standing. Just moving causes extreme pain. Putting all of my zillion pounds onto my ankles and knee is not good. I am, however, thankful that the therapist hasn't mentioned once that if I lose weight it would help. Frankly this isn't a chronic condition, it is an acute injury and he sees that. Praise God!
I do have the Rollator but have only used it once to run errands. I find myself always putting more weight on my right side since my left ankle hurts so much, making my right side pain increase. The physical therapist mentioned that at some point I may require a cane. I talked with a friend who uses a cane to get her review of The Hurry-cane and she loves (!!!) it so I ordered it. I got it a few days ago, but haven't yet tested it out. we'll see how that goes (especially since I'm more than 50 lbs over the weight limit - but I figure I won't be putting all of my weight on it at once so it should be fine).
So as it stands, I'm trying to work out of the boot and pray I don't need surgery. A peripheral goal would be to pump up the cardio while I'm there and have to respond to someone. When this is all said and done, it's off to find a personal trainer. Oh, and OT is still on the table but hasn't taken the forefront with as busy as I've been due to my pain. Whatever...
I went to the yucky doctor, got the MRI results and scheduled a follow-up planning to cancel it (well before the date). He looked at the MRI disc and told me about the ligaments and bone finds (as I think I already wrote about). My good doc appointment was set for 8/9 and I was good to go. I woke up on Monday, 7/15 to a call from the good doc's office - I was on the cancellation list and they had an opening at 2:30 THAT DAY and could I make it. SOLD, I'll be there!!
He had a hard copy of the results and I had the CD with the films on them. He looked at them and added the tendon injury to the already job well-done. He ordered PT with an immediate goal being to get out of the boot. For some reason, I was up for it when he ordered it. I called the PT place the next day and had an appointment for the next day to have an evaluation! He also addressed the right ankle and gave me a brace for it. He is a podiatrist so can only deal with the ankles, but I knew that going in and am willing to suffer through while these specific injuries our dealt with. Yes, my knee causes pretty severe pain but I just can't put up with finding another doctor to handle that right now. If it gets worse, I'll think about it, but being in PT three times a week and mental health therapy twice a week, I'm pretty busy. I know, it sounds like excuses, but I can only be so busy!
I had the eval and when I went to leave found out that my secondary insurance claims I am not on the policy. HUH?? I had asked the facility when I scheduled if they took both of my insurances. They did, but for some reason I'm suddenly dropped? I've had many other claims since the beginning of the year (when the new plan began) and have been arguing with them over a number of claims for months. I called the insurance and they said that I am indeed on the policy but that this PT facility isn't capitated for my specific coverage. They gave me the name and number for a new place to go - someplace more than my current 5 minutes away. Oh. My. Gosh! Is this happening? I called the woman at the facility and told her what was going on. She spoke with a manager/supervisor and was told that they would essentially eat whatever isn't covered by my primary insurance. WOW! I realize that this is a new location for this company but they sure don't have to be this wonderful about it! In doing this, since my secondary insurance isn't being billed, I no longer have to get a referral! It doesn't get any better than this.
So, my ankle measurements, as far as flexibility, are pretty bad - not a surprise. I have a number of exercises to do here at the house and even more to add to it when I'm with the therapist. Last week, he added 6 minutes on the bike. I lost 65-70 lbs a number of years back with my main exercise being the bike (recumbent bike, specifically). Perhaps I can get motivated to use it on a regular basis - we do have one in our spare bedroom. My injuries were hurting after having the boot on ALL day on Sunday and my knee had had enough. There was a surprise party for my father on Sunday and I was working all day until he showed up - and then I had to visit with people and was on my feet a lot. Anyway, my left ankle and right knee were killing me a minute into the bike, but I pushed through and made it all 6 minutes. Whew! Now if I can only make it up to 25-30 minutes or more, that would be ideal. In the meantime, working on it....
If it's possible, I'm getting less exercise than normal since I got hurt. I'm walking less back and forth to the kitchen or even standing. Just moving causes extreme pain. Putting all of my zillion pounds onto my ankles and knee is not good. I am, however, thankful that the therapist hasn't mentioned once that if I lose weight it would help. Frankly this isn't a chronic condition, it is an acute injury and he sees that. Praise God!
I do have the Rollator but have only used it once to run errands. I find myself always putting more weight on my right side since my left ankle hurts so much, making my right side pain increase. The physical therapist mentioned that at some point I may require a cane. I talked with a friend who uses a cane to get her review of The Hurry-cane and she loves (!!!) it so I ordered it. I got it a few days ago, but haven't yet tested it out. we'll see how that goes (especially since I'm more than 50 lbs over the weight limit - but I figure I won't be putting all of my weight on it at once so it should be fine).
So as it stands, I'm trying to work out of the boot and pray I don't need surgery. A peripheral goal would be to pump up the cardio while I'm there and have to respond to someone. When this is all said and done, it's off to find a personal trainer. Oh, and OT is still on the table but hasn't taken the forefront with as busy as I've been due to my pain. Whatever...
Friday, October 28, 2011
Weekend
Here it comes - the weekend! This is an exciting one for us because we're going to get to meet a dog we hope to adopt! For us, having a dog means more than just some furry critter laying around the house. We have two cats for that (just kidding, little ones). Having a dog means this fat chick is going to get exercise! Doggie is going to need to be walked and I'm the one home all day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, not at all! Something has to get me motivated. Although, I spent about 2 minutes on the exercise bike both yesterday and today. That counts for something, right?
I'd like to go from XF to plain old F. Now, for the food side of life. What the heck is up with that? Those with drug addictions or alcoholics fight their tushies off every minute to keep clean. Us fatties, well, we have to eat. There's no avoiding the bad neighborhood or old friends to help us. What's the deal with that? Ok, so "deal with it" says the skinny world. Ummm, ok, you deal with being a toothpick and have a burger - make it a double! Not so easy, is it?
Enter cutie pie dog and her need for walks. Historically, when I've started to see some success, that's what gives me the big boost of motivation. Let's hope that the dog-walking and bike-riding will do that. I can't keep away from food that shouldn't be in the house anyway... and yes, *I* am the one who wants it here and it's my responsibility to control what I put in my own mouth, but darn, that hunger... Big ol' catch 22 right there.
C'mon lil dawgie!
I'd like to go from XF to plain old F. Now, for the food side of life. What the heck is up with that? Those with drug addictions or alcoholics fight their tushies off every minute to keep clean. Us fatties, well, we have to eat. There's no avoiding the bad neighborhood or old friends to help us. What's the deal with that? Ok, so "deal with it" says the skinny world. Ummm, ok, you deal with being a toothpick and have a burger - make it a double! Not so easy, is it?
Enter cutie pie dog and her need for walks. Historically, when I've started to see some success, that's what gives me the big boost of motivation. Let's hope that the dog-walking and bike-riding will do that. I can't keep away from food that shouldn't be in the house anyway... and yes, *I* am the one who wants it here and it's my responsibility to control what I put in my own mouth, but darn, that hunger... Big ol' catch 22 right there.
C'mon lil dawgie!
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