Surviving the Holidays After Bariatric Surgery

Yeah, this is a difficult one.  I've held off on writing it, unsure how to really convey this experience to anyone outside of the bariatric world.

Thanksgiving
This was probably the easiest of them all.  My sleeve handles turkey.  I made a special cranberry sauce using low-sugar Craisins, as well as a pumpkin pie.  The sauce was pretty yummy.  I am not a fan of cranberry sauce, especially since I grew up with cranberry mousse (aka: the pink stuff), which is one of the most delicious things on Earth.  But I put this over my turkey and, while I still had to have the "pink stuff" pass by me, I held off.  This got me through Thanksgiving mostly unscathed.

Christmas
1) This was a different story.  We did Christmas three (!!) times.  We went to my in-laws' before Christmas.  It was somewhat simple again because of having turkey.  But then came the cookies.  Ohh, the cookies.  I had to leave the room.  They were simply too difficult to resist.  I mean Christmas cookie?  Who doesn't love them?
2) Dinner at my parents' was ... far more difficult.  One of my favorite things was prime rib, not just because it's yummy, but because it meant one thing: Yorkshire pudding (a recipe from my Grandfather who was French and lived in England -- our crepe recipe is from him, too, but I digress...).  Yorkshire pudding is indescribable.  I've had it other places, but it's different.  You know how it is; once you have a specific recipe made by a specific person, nothing ever compares.  There was also the pink stuff.  Since my sleeve doesn't tolerate beef well (even filet), I brought chicken salad made with Greek yogurt, to which I added those low-sugar Craisins leftover from Thanksgiving, and something called Protein Birthday Bites in lieu of cookies.  But the cookie tray still passed...and those around me enjoyed every bite.  My Mom has made countless batches of cookies each year.  She stopped for a number of years, but started again this year and went full-force.  Some of those which made me drool were Bon-Bons, Chocolate Crinkles, Candy Canes, Snickerdoodles.... I have to stop.  Now, my Mom's theory has always been that Christmas cookies are ONLY for Christmas, so never made any other time of the year (except sometimes I would get them for my birthday if I was extra good).  This makes them extra-special.  That makes me extra-upset at missing them.  The good news is that I was able to see my brother and nephews who have spent much of their lives living out of the country and it's always great to see them!
3) Brunch/Lunch ... when coming up with a menu, my Mom asked what I could have, as she was getting sandwiches.  She made me egg salad (from 2 eggs and with light mayo) and I had some veggies and hummus.  Again the cookies came out.  Again I found myself passing around incredibly tempting foods.  Again I held firm.

This may not be the best motivation to keep that "willpower" (I don't really like that word, but that's another story) but I don't want to puke.  I know that if I eat the wrong thing or eat too much, that is always a chance.  I have already gotten nauseated and was certain I was going to vomit, but thankfully did not, from various and sundry foods.  The latest is water.  I used to LOVE water.  Seriously - it was all I drank.  To mix it up, I've been doing Crystal Light and when I tried water this past weekend, I couldn't stomach it.  One sip and I knew.  That's it for water - at least until I'm brave enough to try it again.

One of my favorite dinners of late is turkey burgers.  My Aunt made these when we visited in September and they're extraordinary.  I'm sure you're thinking something to the effect of "YUCK, BLAH, turkey burgers!"  But seriously, I don't think we've done beef since!  We get the high grade (98%?) organic ground turkey, throw in a teensy bit of bread crumbs (just to hold it together), locatelli cheese, a few spices, and the extra special ingredient - FRESH basil.  These burgers are extraordinary!  Hubby adds some deli cheese and grills them a little longer, but I don't like cheeseburgers, so that's never been an option.  Now that it's cold out, we throw them on the Foreman Grill and they are just as tasty!

I have been super lax with my exercise.  The bike became complicated because of Poly (our difficult child) and I haven't had the energy to walk the pups, so I've not been doing much of anything in that area.  But, my friend Janet keeps her own blog and her most recent entry kicked my rear into gear!  That said, I've already tried the Y and gave up.  I also tried LA Fitness and gave up - once I wasn't doing the water aerobics anymore, I was out.  A huge room filled with machines spikes my anxiety through to roof and I'm super intimidated.  So, after reading Janet's blog, I took the bull by the horns joined a small gym.  With that came 2 sessions with a trainer.  Needless to say I scheduled the first one immediately.  The guy is nice!  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am.  He wasn't some gym-rat, arrogant, steroid-pumped guy.  So I scheduled my second session.  Of course I got a migraine, but I actually rescheduled and went back.  And then I went for a third time and I'm going again on Monday!  I need the accountability.  Being a small gym, there aren't a ton of people there at once - at least at the hour I go.  The people that are there are also into their music or what's on the TV at their machine.  That said, I can't make any kind of agreement to meet someone there.  Also, since I'm on disability, I also don't run into a lot of middle-agers late morning/early afternoon.  While the people there seem very nice, they seem to want to get in, do their thing, and get out.  I know that I need the accountability.  I also can't afford to get injured and fear that I'll wind up screwing something up, use a machine wrong and wind up needing a zillion surgeries with only a slim hope of ever walking again.  Ok, ok, yes I'm aware that I'm exaggerating - to the extreme - but I can't get hurt if it's preventable.  The poor guy has tried to help me up from one of the machines that has me almost sitting on the ground (and pressing up with my legs).  I finally told him "I'm stubborn" when I didn't take his help for the umpteenth time.  He replied "I'm chivalrous."  Truth be told, I realized that I'm not used to my body.  I'm used to it taking 2 men to help me get up when I fall.  The next time I was on that machine after having that epiphany, I told him.  It's another one of those weird phenomena that people who haven't been morbidly obese can't explain.

I want to touch on something quickly.  It's a general  misconception.  Someone dear to us told hubby that he needs to "catch up" (he needs to lose some weight), but that he has to do it the hard way.  She was totally well-meaning and I'm not saying anything against her personally (in case she's reading this)!  The thing is, this IS hard!  It's far more difficult than any other attempts I've made at weight loss.  I can't cheat without serious consequences.  I can't have "just one" Christmas cookie or "just one bite" of pasta.  I'm on a load of vitamins and supplements and will be forever.  It's imperative that I drink 64 oz every.single.day.  I cannot drink that for the 30 minutes after I finish eating.  I have to get 60-80 grams of protein in every day.  That protein has to come first.  Veggies come after protein.  Fruit comes after that.  Even then, with being limited to 800 calories, I can't have much.  I have to take 25-30 minutes to eat.  I am to eat 4 oz (approx 1/4 cup or the size of your palm) over the course of that 30 minute period.  There is nothing easy about this.  It was major surgery, one which nearly killed me at first attempt.  It required months of doctor appointments, tests, and clearances.  And that was the easy part!  This is not a cure for obesity!  This is not a surgery you have and then go back to your old habits.  This is the most life-changing thing I've ever done...EVER!  So, please don't ever tell a bariatric patient that they've taken the easy way out!  Sorry, rant over.

So, progress....

Now, I had hubby take a picture in front of the Christmas tree, but the outfit wasn't terribly flattering, so I decided against using it, but I have earned putting my "One-derland" charm on the chain with my "Loser's Bench" - see?  I'll try to take another picture soon.

I've stalled a little bit and since reaching that goal, I've wavered between about 198 and 195, but I'm still below 200 and I'll take it!!!  I'm sure my workouts will help boost that number down more quickly and hopefully with no stalls!

One of the things my group of friends in the bariatric world focuses on is non-scale victories.  It's not all about the numbers!  I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself from earlier posts but I can cross my legs!  Heck, I cross them all the time, simply because I can!  Shirts I have never been able to wear (I'm thinking specifically of shirts I got in Disney World but they never fit) are now big!  I nearly skipped a jean size and am wearing jeans which nearly fall down right now.  The next size down is still a little snug, though.  I can just about fit a small farm animal between my gut and my steering wheel!  It was snug before (and that's being generous).  I had to have a CT done and put on the "fat gown" (as I've always called it...at least since I had to start wearing it) and it was enormous!  I mean, I wasn't even able to tie it because one end was inside the gown and the other side was outside, so I might as well have been naked since I would have been almost totally exposed.  I also had to have an MRI (unrelated) and I FIT!  It was about 4 years ago when they last tried to put me in an MRI machine.  I've always found an open bore one or used a special facility where you sit "in" the machine so it's on either side of you.  Sure, that was a bit tight, but it was supposed to be so you don't move.  Anyway, they were scanning my knee, so I had to go in sort of far and I made it - they were able to just hit the button and not stand and watch to see if I can go in without getting stuck!

I want to add, for the record, that I wrote the first half of this post right after New Years.  Monday or Tuesday of this week I wrote the rest, hit save, and then it disappeared!  My frustration told me to give up, go to bed, and try again... but then life got crazy so I didn't get to it again until now.  I'm just praying it all posts!!!

Day 85 -- What Now?? I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to write!

First, I can hardly believe that yesterday was 12 weeks!  In some ways it feels like it's been that long, especially when I get a craving.  In other ways, that's a LONG time!  Since surgery, I'm down 31.6 lbs since surgery and 74.4 lbs from my first visit with the surgeon on 12/30/15.  I still feel like I'm looking into those circus mirrors, though.  Especially when I take pictures from the side (you'll see in pictures below that there are none of those!), I look pregnant and don't see much of a difference.  It's a circus mirror - it must be, right? :P

Well, we went out to that same restaurant again (the high-end steak and seafood house) -- this time for my Mom's birthday.  I was going to see my Aunt and Uncle on my Father's side  (who I haven't seen in nearly 3 years) and my Uncle and his wife on my Mom's side (who I haven't seen since last Christmas).  I admit, I was a little excited.  Anyone I haven't seen in a long time can see a difference.  It's a nice feeling for people to compliment me (although I still have that water-off-a-duck's-back "disease"), be happy for me, and encourage me.  Don't get me wrong, I get that from friends and family here, but there's just something different when they see a drastic change.

Knowing that I was going to see family who I hadn't seen in a long time, I decided to treat myself to a new dress!  You can see part of it in the picture below.  I did get a "gut-sucker-inner" (my general label for any Spanx-type products.  There is a part of me that really protrudes in whatever I wear and this dress was no exception.  As far as clothes and shopping go, I'm just excited to be able to shop in a real, in person store!  I have found some old clothes which fit (or hopefully will soon) and I certainly don't have a problem wearing them.  Many are from when I worked, so are dressier than something I'd wear with denim shorts.  I was at the dentist last week - I see the same hygienist each time.  She was so surprised and so happy for me, telling me she can't wait to see me in 6 months and gave me a big hug.  Back to my point -- she told me of a thrift shop about 10 minutes from the dentist (who is already 30 minutes from home), so I stopped in there.  They had brand new clothes, tags still on, for under $10!  Some clothes were 50% off so I got something like 7 new shirts and a dress for under $40.  I foresee myself spending a lot of time here in the next year.  Great store!  Clean, nice clothes, jewelry, expanding to include furniture.  A real gem!  I never would have thought that I'd get excited about shopping again!

At the restaurant, I ordered the same: 3 scallops and asparagus, both grilled.  I'm not sure why I bothered getting the asparagus because I'm too full to eat it, but one of my nephews took it to have it with his leftover dinner.  For that matter, I wasn't able to finish 3 scallops over the course of more than the 30 minutes I'm supposed to take to eat.  We picked up an ice cream cake for my Mom (after dinner, so I was stuffed!) and I was so full from dinner that it didn't even phase me, which I feared it would.  Sure my brain wanted some, but my body said "UH-UH, NO WAY!"  Having a complete aversion to vomiting - seriously, who doesn't (?) - I decided to listen to my body.  No cake for me (is anyone else saying that in the "no soup for you" voice?  Ok, maybe it's just me...)!

I'm still trying to figure out the brain hunger vs. body hunger aspect of this whole thing.  I'm not used to giving any concern to that.  Before surgery, hunger was hunger, period.  And it meant that I ate.  Period.  And that meant that I got to be over 310 lbs and needed this surgery after numerous, almost countless, attempts to do this thing on my own.  I try to eat every 3-1/2 to 4 hours to make sure I get my protein and to help me prevent headaches.  Every medication I take is being metabolized differently now.  I weigh significantly less, which automatically means there is less of me to pump those meds through.  It's going to be a balancing act until I land at a reasonable weight (whatever that may be) and can figure it all out "for real."  According to my doc's office, most of the weight will come off in the first 18 months; by next Christmas, I should be golden!  Until then, trial-and-error pervade my life.  Life is just different and in limbo more than usual.  But I signed on for this and have put too much into it to just throw it all away!

I started doing water aerobics (can't remember if I've said that before), but have been somewhat inconsistent due to a variety of reasons.  I have, however, continued to see the scale go down.  I mean, how could it not?  I'm eating around 800 calories a day.  Anyone is going to lose weight doing that.  I was excited to be able to add fruit into the mix (after I've gotten my protein and some veggies).  It's that something sweet that I've wanted.  I also made chicken salad, using Short-Cuts (Perdue), with Greek yogurt instead of mayo - try it sometime; not only does it pump up the protein, but it offers up a change in flavor.  I so desperately wanted to add grapes to it, but ran it first the dietitian first and was thrilled to get the go-ahead!!!  We've branched out some with our meals, trying new recipes, many of which have been quite good!

I've been taking pictures about every 4 weeks.  While not all of them are clear (and I've kept my face out of them, even though people have told me that's where they can really see a difference), I have decided to post some pictures to date.  Before I do that, let me say that from my first visit with the surgeon at 304 lbs, and a surgery weight of 261.2, I think I'm on the right track.  I just have to get my butt in gear with increasing exercise, but that's another story.  Ok, here goes nothing (and you get to see how sloppy and dirty my bedroom and mirror are):

At my Mom's party (on 7/30/16), my Uncle's wife took this picture:

Not too shabby, huh?

I have to tell you that I realize I look pregnant in the 8 week picture - it's the shirt; it's just not cut right for my body.

I can't tell you the last time that I was under 230 pounds!  I mean, I could look back because I have calendars up in my night table, but I don't feel like going up there right now.  I can tell you that it's been MANY years!  And the last time I did hit it, it didn't last long.  I was probably about 180 when I first started therapy in March of 2000.  When I stopped working in November of that year, I wouldn't be surprised if I was around 200 (meds are a horrible contributor!).  There was a shirt I found and there is a picture of me wearing it on a 2007 trip to Disney World.

I'm becoming more accustomed to the dietary changes.  I still forget to eat sometimes.  I typically start off my day with a protein shake (between 33-35 grams of protein - I'm supposed to get between 60-80 grams daily).  A protein bar is usually 20 grams.  Then I'll have Egg Beaters or Rosemary Chicken, Chicken Lettuce Wraps (better than PF Changs, in my opinion), Chicken "Fried" "Riceless" Rice... and I keep trying new things.  The last 3 got serious approval from hubby, especially the Rosemary Chicken and the Lettuce Wraps - 5 stars!  I have a number of bariatric cookbooks and am trying to get adventurous (within the confines of my dietary restrictions, since each program is different).

Big news on the Jen front:  I can CROSS MY LEGS!!!  No, it's not ankle to ankle or lower calf to lower calf, but it's not ankle to knee!  Again, something someone who hasn't been morbidly obese doesn't even think about, but it's one of those things that comes into play.  Wear skirts is awkward, but now I can without fear of showing a little too much of myself!

I also went shopping - in my very own closet!  Ok, much of what I found is from before I went on disability in 2000 so it has shoulder pads.  Fear not, those will be removed before that garment comes anywhere near my body (other than trying it on).  I absolutely will not - WILL NOT - be leaving the house with shoulder pads, unless I'm going to an 80s themed party (highly unlikely).

I said to hubby last night as I was struggling to get in my minimum protein that people think surgery is the easy way out.  They have NO clue - and it's not their fault, they just don't have the experience or know anyone who has and has been honest about it.  The hard work starts when real food enters the post-op world.  When I go to the gym, I have time to eat a Greek yogurt (12 grams protein) because it takes me an hour or so to down a protein shake and I don't have that kind of time.  When I get home I shower and blah, blah, blah and by the time I eat again, I'm already behind the 8-ball.  I'm figuring it out, though... little-by-little.

The next hurdle is vacation next month.  Just being at the supermarket last weekend with the Halloween candy out, I was reminded of the fudge, salt water taffy, funnel cake/funnel fries, pizza, burgers.... you know how it is.  I mean, how many people go on vacation without food playing a fairly major role?  C'mon... be serious!!  I'll definitely be having a long conversation with my dietitian!  I'll be packing my Magic Bullet so I can make protein shakes and some protein bars for when we're out and about.  I also think we'll pick up some Egg Beaters and string cheese sticks to have on hand for a 6 g protein fix.  From someone who isn't a big fan of cheese, I'm shocked at how much I'm eating - Weight Watchers brand makes a smoked mozzarella string cheese and they are pretty stinkin' good.  The plain ones were really hard to get down.

Ok, so, if you've kept up with the blog, you've seen the restrictions.  I've worked to darn hard to screw this up.  What do you think would be the most difficult thing for you?  I know I've offered up plenty of opinions and shared a lot of my story.  But, how would you handle this?  I venture to say that you'd be able to do more than you ever thought possible.  Don't for one minute, though, ever tell anyone who is considering or has had bariatric surgery that it's the easy way out.  There's no cheating if you want to succeed.  No "one Skinny Cow candy bar is fine," "I can have just one chip and it'll be ok because I can stop there" or "one bowl of pasta won't hurt" - NO!  WRONG!  This is hard work.  Just ask anyone who has been around me and sees what I eat and how I eat.  HARD WORK!

I know there are some reading this blog who are considering the surgery.  I do not discuss the difficult things to dissuade you from having the operation (whichever one you and your doctor deem appropriate with the greatest opportunity for success).  I just want you to go into it with your eyes open.  It is one of the major reasons I'm putting myself out there.  Also, maybe you know someone who is going to have one of the bariatric surgeries.  You need to know what they'll be going through.  You need to know how to support and encourage them.  You will be a vital part of their success.

On an unrelated note, this year I have begun a very small "business" as an independent consultant for a direct sales company.  I have gained some confidence, both with the ability to wear something that doesn't look like a tent, and having positive feedback from what I've done with this.  Being on disability, I'm not able to do a lot, but this allows me to set my own schedule and have parties when I feel well enough, do Facebook parties, and even have hostesses who opt for catalog parties.  It can be really stressful sometimes and that's hard on me emotionally, but when something goes well and I can help someone achieve one of her goals, it's certainly heart-warming.

How can I help you?  What questions can I answer?  What support can I offer you or a friend?  Please don't hesitate for one minute to ask.  I mean, if I've posted that awful 310 lb picture, I'm willing to discuss "almost" anything.  I want to help, encourage, support and celebrate your experience!

New Experiences - 46 Days Out (this number has changed many times as I continue to write, and write, and write....)

Wow, this has been a crazy time!  I'm sorry I've neglected this for so long.  I started to write a couple of weeks ago, but then... well... life just got in the way.

Where to start?

Part of the delay was some pain I'm having.  It's all along the left side of my abdomen and the LRNP said that it wasn't pain I should be having at this stage, so I had an unexpected visit downtown.  Thankfully hubby was able to take off.  She (the LRNP) said that it's unlikely the pain is surgery-related, but they ordered a few tests just to see if they can determine what is causing it.  I'm waiting on the results of one; the other required a pre-cert and I didn't get the info to schedule until it was too late, so I'll be calling for that appointment on Monday.  I do hope they figure this out!  Actually, just today (Saturday), hubby and I were out running some errands and wandering the mall - I haven't been able to walk the mall in years.  I realized I could go to Chick-fil-A and get grilled nuggets.  I got the 8-piece, but could only finish 5.  I'll know to get the children's portion next time.  Then I had to wait 30 minutes to drink, which about killed me.  On top of that, I had my ongoing clothing frustrations (more about that below) and I was having some arthritis pain (you don't spend much time being morbidly obese before your body rebels!).  We left to head to our main destination, and one of my absolute favorite stores - The Container Store!!!!!  Unfortunately the abdominal pain increased dramatically, almost out of the blue, so hubby knew something was wrong when I wanted to leave there... and not even stop at Target on the way home.  So here I sit, protein shake in next to me, typing away.

Now, I had my first experience at a restaurant.  I was super anxious.  A few days prior I had a hamburger and it didn't sit well.  Dinner was planned for hubby's birthday and my parents were taking us to a steak and seafood restaurant.  I called the dietitian in a hurry!  She pulled up the menu on her computer and we went through the menu over the phone (did I mention how wonderful she is?).  I assumed I'd get the scallop appetizer, but the menu didn't make it as straight-forward as it used to be; I also never paid attention before and it is a sauteed dish, therefore cooked in butter - a big no-no.  We worked together to figure out a plan and a few days later, we headed down to my folks'.

The day came and I felt somewhat not-at-all prepared.  I have a letter from my surgeon saying that I've had an operation and that I should be permitted to order a lesser amount of food (off the children's menu, if need be) for a proportionate cost.  I was armed going into the restaurant.  My parents go here often, so they have a favorite server and asked for her.  While we were being seated, my father graciously took the server aside and advised her of my situation.  She was wonderful and told me to order what I want/need from the menu and the chef would make it work.  I did get the scallops, grilled, along with some asparagus.  I wasn't able to finish the 4 scallops, so by bariatric "law" (of my program), I didn't have any of the veggie.  I love vegetables, so this is killing me!  But rules dictate that I eat my 3 oz of protein before I have my ounce of veggie.  And I held firm to the rules.

Major Eating/Lifestyle Changes:

• stop drinking 15 minutes before eating
• take at a minimum, 30 minutes to eat (preferably more with the amount of nausea I've had); because of this, I've gotten used to finishing my meals cold.
• eat 4 oz meals, getting 60-80 oz of protein in daily (historically, people in my specific program have had a higher rate of success with having a protein shake/bar for one meal per day).  It may not be logical, but different doctors/programs have different rules - both pre-op and post-op.  It's not like removing a gall bladder or fixing a torn ligament.
• as I mentioned before, I am now permitted 1 oz of veggies and 3 oz of protein, but the protein must, must, must come first.  Greek yogurt is an excellent source of protein so a number of the bariatric recipes I have include that as an ingredient, or I'll just have a cup of cherry  (or whatever) and it has 12(!!!) grams of protein.
• meals should be between 3-4 hours apart
• do not drink until 30 minutes after eating (this one has been the most difficult, I think... we're all so used to drinking throughout our meals, so to not pick up my glass until 30 minutes after I'm through is an enormous change -- try it... it's HARD!)
• it is absolutely necessary to get in 64 oz - at the very least 50 oz - of water/Crystal Light (something with no caffeine, no sugar and non-carbonated) daily; dehydration is the number one reason for people to be re-admitted following surgery

So yes, there are restrictions and some of them are more difficult than one who hasn't been through the process can understand.  It's a matter of priorities.  It's also a matter of being incredibly strict in following my dietary requirements.

I had my first session with my food/eating therapist since surgery.  She's a real cheerleader for me and my journey and reminds me all the time how far I've come and how much I'm doing to follow the strict rules.  I don't take compliments terribly well, so it's a bit like water-off-a-duck's-back, but she knows that.  I had the same experience with my psychiatrist earlier this week.  I've always been hard on myself, so it's not something new.  The only person on my mental health team who has supported me throughout the entire process is my psychologist.  (the food therapist is new).  The psychiatrists I've seen in the past (especially the one I saw for the longest time - 9 years, I think) would have just set up another appointment and said they'd see me after surgery.  All 3 of these people wanted to know as soon as possible how surgery went.  My psychiatrist was really happy - surprised even - that hubby emailed her not long after the surgery was over.  She thanked me/him for that and I thanked her for caring enough to ask.  I haven't even been seeing her a year and she's done everything to encourage me and support this process.  When I talked of the financial hardship of seeing a second therapist, she didn't think twice and told me to see her less often if that would help.  She's there by email and phone if I need her.

I had an appt at the neurologist's office and talked with her about decreasing doses on some of the meds they have me on for my migraines, because they can also be used for psych purposes.  They are older meds and have a greater chance to cause weight gain - working against what I'm working to do!  In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I am cutting one of the biggest offenders in half (to start) and the other I take 1200 mg 3x/day and that is being cut to 900 mg 3x/day.  I hope to be off my cholesterol med by the Fall, and even though my psychiatrist added back in one med (I went off it due to a variety of screw-ups) I can just pray that she will take me off the one I currently take once I'm up to a therapeutic dose.

Clothes:  I'm finally starting to find myself shrinking out of clothes.  I was so frustrated being stuck in the same size clothes as 50 lbs ago!  But just within the past 1-2 weeks I've noticed that my shirts are sliding down my shoulders and my bra straps are showing.  That hasn't been the case in nearly forever!  My old body had a fairly basic pound to size ratio.  When I was 310 lbs, I wore a 30/32.  I'm under 250 - oh right... did I mention that I'm UNDER 250 ????  I don't remember the last time that was the case, so my mind keeps saying that I should be in a 24/26, but that's not totally the case.  It wasn't a science before, but now it's all over the place.  I did go this afternoon to a Catherine's outlet store.  I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes, since I just don't know what size to buy and I'll say it again - I definitely do NOT want to spend a lot of money!  So, I left empty-handed, but have become friendly with one of the employees, so we chatted for a bit and that was nice.  The same has been true for all of my shopping escapades of late.  It turns into one big frustrating mess!  I'm going to wind up naked before I know it - and nobody wants to see that!

I had a appointment in the town where I grew up, so met some friends for lunch afterwards.  In talking with one of my friends she asked where I wanted to go.  I haven't lived there in over 20 years, so I'm not entirely sure what the options were.  In talking with her, I said that breakfast is easy for me, since I can just order eggs.  We decided on a place.  When I walked in, all I saw were booths.  In the past, this was fear-inducing.  Will I fit?  Will I be able to breathe?  Will my belly wind up hanging onto the table?  Will people stare?  Last week, though - no problem!  Plus, inches to spare!  For anyone who's struggled with obesity that's a huge accomplishment (no pun intended).  Part of me can't wait to go to our local diner.  I haven't been there in many months and I'm eager to just sit down and not have to request a table - that's awfully embarrassing... or even more embarrassing is them asking if a booth is ok.  This is one check in the "win" box!

Another great thing about that lunch is that I haven't seen these women in over 2 years.  It was wonderful catching up in person and not just via Facebook posts and messages or texts.  But, while they know this is the path I'm on now, I haven't posted any recent photographs, so I was almost giddy at their reactions.  I know, it still falls under the "water-off-a-duck's-back" concept, but it was still really nice to hear.  Like my doctor/surgeon says, I'm with me everyday.  It's only those who don't see me for a long stretch who will really notice.

I'd been slacking a bit with exercise, but also found myself unhappy with my weight loss numbers.  I'm the only one who can change that, so I sucked up the pain (to a certain level - I still have to listen to my body) and hopped back on that bike.  With having a TV in that room, I can stream shows and movies through amazon prime and not have to pay for an additional FiOS box.  At this point, I'm doing about 7 miles in between 23-26 minutes.  I have yet to put on that bathing suit and jump into the pool for water aerobics.  With my mood all over the place I am not finding the energy to get up and at 'em in time.  Hence my time on the bike (plus I don't have to leave the house - huge bonus some days).

Jewelry is also an issue for larger or obese women.  It's not something I'd considered before it became an issue.  Necklaces don't fit properly and if they do, they become chokers when they're not meant to be.  I also kept having to get a larger and larger band to wear as a wedding ring.  One Christmas, hubby got my original rings sized.  I cried because it was the best gift.  It made me feel normal again (if that makes sense).  Now those rings are getting loose.  Because of the heat, they aren't in danger of falling off, but I have to keep a eye on them so I don't lose them once the weather cools.  Also, out of curiosity I tried on my college ring and wouldn't you know it fit?  Such an amazing feeling.  I still weigh (probably) 70 lbs more than I did then, but the fact that I could get it on and not have to cut if off was another win!  I won't be wearing it anytime soon, but I moved the infinity ring hubs got me for Christmas to another finger so I could get used to it there and be prepared to wear my college ring again!  Woo hoo!

This may sound really odd to someone who hasn't had the experience of losing  significant weight, particularly when it's rapid, but skin starts to sag.  It's not pretty, but it's all part of the journey.  Well, I noticed the other day that my arm flab was less taut than it used to be.  Yes, that's right, I'm having skin sag!  It's hard to explain it, but it's a good feeling.  I'm trying not to think about skin surgery so early in my journey, but it's something I may consider down the road, depending on the condition of my body when all's said and done.  Insurance doesn't typically pay for it because they see it as cosmetic so it would create a rather sizable financial burden.  At the same time, having this skin issue could create other problems, medical problems.  One thing at a time, though.  It was just exciting that there was some evidence I was able to see!

Now, this last one is still a source of anxiety for me.  In a couple of months, we are going on vacation.  The dietitian said to cross that hurdle when I come to it, but it's still a big uncertainty.  Food is usually a big part of vacation.  You get to eat out and have some foods you would otherwise avoid (have you heard of funnel fries -- YUM!).  But this year will be vastly different.  I don't want the Mr. to miss out on the yummy things they have there.  I also treat myself to a drink or two while we're on vacation and that's a big no-no.  I'll work around it and the dietitian will coach me before we go so I have ideas for restaurants.  I have the protein bars, some of which are actually delicious.  I can take stuff down to make protein shakes.  I just don't want to be limited to chicken for all of my restaurant meals.  I do know of one place with amazing scallops; they  just can't be sauteed because of the butter.  But I'm sure they will grill or broil, just like the steakhouse for hubby's birthday.

I know this has been a crazy-long post and thank you if you made it all the way through.  Please forgive any disjointedness or typos but I've been writing like crazy to not delay this any longer and to make sure I didn't forget anything.  I know there have been people who have expressed interest in this blog and how they have found support through it or are considering the surgery and want to read more.  I can't tell you how much that means to you.  Part of the reason I decided to make this blog public was to help even one person.   Please, please, please, ask questions!  You can bet I'll be honest.  Heck, at this point it's all on the table anyway.  Also, don't hesitate to join the site; you'll get an alert when I post in the event that I forget to put in on FB.  You can find it in a blue box on the right side, below all of my profile info and right about "followers."

Well, hopefully things will get less eventful, although every day finds something new - a new food my tastebuds like and my body agrees with (or the opposite), or what exercise has been working and what may be causing some unnecessary pain.  I'll also try to check in more often so you don't feel like you've just finished reading a bad novel by the time you reach the end.

Day 27 and Moodiness Abounds (Not to Mention Some Serious Anxiety)

I won't be weighing again until tomorrow, but I felt like I had to write.

I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out.  This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult.  I'm not exactly sure why.  I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food.  There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites.  I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy!  I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them!  I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.

I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods.  I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left.  But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  This is scary.  I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure).  Can I eat veggies?  Will my pouch allow meat?  What about eating out?  Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat.  I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies.  But what can I eat?  What should I eat?  What will I eat?  Will it be accepted by my sleeve?

I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit.  I was all mostly ready to go to water aerobics.  Yesterday Keith and I went and checked out the gym so I knew where I was going, etc.  I got halfway there and realized that I didn't have the lock for a locker.  I wasn't about to leave my keys and wallet in an unsecured locker.  Well, I got home and was SO frustrated.  I admit that I was angry, thinking that Keith was the last one to touch it and he must have put it somewhere and that I didn't know where it was.  Please, forgive me Keith.  My anger was unfounded.  I went again to check the bedroom and found the lock tucked in the quilt folds.  I felt like such an idiot.  My anger was for nothing and had I looked closer, I would have found it and been able to start water aerobics.  Wednesday I know I won't be able to go for the class (which is fine; I can always go and walk the pool).  The days I have afternoon appointments will be difficult to do the class, but somehow I have to make it work.  Hey, I'll (probably) be starting at the 4 week mark.  That's not half bad, huh??

That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already.  I'm so ticked off!  I can't handle going deeper into the darkness.  I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two.  I started out with this stupid mental illness.  I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear.  I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure).  Now I feel like I'm back where I started.

What the heck is going on?  I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned.  I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies.  I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen.  The doctor visits.  The tests.  The clearances.  The liquid diet - twice.  The pureed diet.  Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow.  If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that.  I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect.  I NEED to be successful.  This is the final attempt to get this fat off.  I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I know I've rambled about this emotion thing.  It's just such a big part of who I am.  I return to my food/eating therapist this week.  We'll see how that goes.....  Thanks again!

23 Days Post-Op: All in Due Time

For the sake out housekeeping, I know you've been chomping at the bit to find out what breed Casey is.  So, drumroll please..... he's primarily Siberian Husky and somewhat less Chow Chow.  Crazy, right?  Crazy!

Also, I felt like the old blog needed some updating so enjoy the new, fresh look!

Ok, now down to business.

I saw the doctor for the first time yesterday.  I was feeling so discouraged after having lost only 2 lbs between weeks 2 and 3.  I have the LRNP's voice in my head saying "...20 pounds the first month" and while this wasn't a full month, I was super disappointed.  What had I done wrong?  I'd followed the diet to the letter, I'd gotten on the recumbent bike as much as possible, I'd taken my vitamins.  I'd done it all right.  What happened?  The only real change is that I added pureed food into my diet.  But, Jen, everyone does that, yet that number was in my head.  It was eating away at me (no pun intended).  I went into my therapist's office on Tuesday feeling incredibly down and we had a discussion about how each person is an individual and everyone's body is going to react to surgery differently, etc.  I still couldn't get that 20 lbs out of my head.

I went in to the appointment a bit ambivalent, but my doctor is wonderful and put my mind at ease right away.  As always I took my recorder with me.  This is the first appointment I've been to alone, but even when there's someone with me I take it.  With my brain being that of dirt, it's important to make sure I don't remember something incorrectly.  With this, it could make a MAJOR difference, and not in a positive way.

At the downtown office, they have a scale.  In the suburban office, there may be inconsistencies, so he sticks with the weights I give him from my scale here at home.  While I lost only 2 lbs between weeks 2 and 3, he wasn't concerned.  If memory serves (haha), I have lost about 12 lbs since surgery.  I've also lost almost exactly 50 lbs since I first met him on 12/30/15.  He's pleased with my progress.  He also said something that really struck me.  He said that I'm with myself everyday so I don't notice the change, but he can clearly see it.  I expressed my frustration at not being able to wear clothes that I have fit into at this weight in the past.  He essentially said "all in due time," but I wasn't offended.  I guess when the person who monitors your weight says something like that, it doesn't come across as trite.  He really means it.  He knows it for himself through other patients.  All in due time.

There are some areas which have puckered, specifically the two he used to do most of the work.  I wasn't concerned.  I figured that after losing the weight they'd go away anyway.  But he assured me that it's because in those areas which were used the most and suffered the most "trauma" the dissolvable stitches are attached to pretty deep tissue, hence the puckering.  No biggie.  I've had enough surgeries and have enough scars that these things don't bother me.  Heck, if that's the worst that comes from this surgery, I'll be thrilled!

I start "real/people" food next Tuesday.  On the same day, all restrictions will be removed.  The biggies are my lifting restriction and being able to get in the pool.  The lifting: tonight, for example, is going to be pure chaos.  Keith had to take Bert to the vet so they could do a day-long blood sugar monitoring (a bell curve test).  Then, tonight, we have to take both dogs for their annual appointments and to update their vaccinations.  I'm neither allowed to lift Bert nor "walk" either dog; given their sizes and the fact that they pull, there is a danger internally that they could do some damage.  Even after my restrictions are lifted, I am to take it easy as far as walking them is concerned.  Shoot!  I will have the pool and I have my bike, but left to walk by myself I wind up too much in my head and then start to think about the pain or "I've walked 'x' far and will have to walk it back" so I'll go easier.  If I'm walking the dogs, I'm focused on training them not to pull (it's an uphill battle!).

So, food.  I am a bit confused by some of the papers the dietitian sent me.  I am not really supposed to snack - and I get that.  If I start to snack and it becomes a habit, I just set myself up for failure, even if they're healthy snacks.  At the same time, some of what is listed on the paperwork sounds snack-y.  But, I am allowed to do some vegetables now.  3 high-protein meals (with a total protein intake of 60-80 grams, so 20-30 grams each meal).  I can do 3 oz of protein and 1 oz of veggies, which I think is where I'm getting the idea that some of those foods are snacks, because it's things like roasted chick peas or certain veggies with hummus.  For maximum weight loss, they have found that people who continue to do one shake daily have the most success.  It's also an incredibly easy meal!

I saw the EOB (explanation of benefits) from my primary insurance company the other day.  It's absolutely insane!  Granted, they took extra precautions because of the first attempt, plus there are oodles of bags hanging from my IV pole,

(crazy, right?), the 2 nights in the hospital, doctors, a test the day after surgery, blah, blah, blah.  You can imagine how the list goes on and on.  Also, it's a teaching hospital and I'm not sure how that works as far as billing for services of residents - I'm assuming it's ok since they're not interns, although I have no idea if they can bill for interns... all irrelevant.  Let's just say the bill is monstrous!  Praise God that I will have to pay less than $1500 and while that's not chump change, it's a tiny percentage.  Now, my secondary said outright that they do not cover bariatric surgery.  I don't know if that includes everything that goes with the surgery, like the hospital stay.  Whatever happens, Keith and I are SO thankful that insurance is picking up the majority of it.

So, all-in-all a very positive visit with the doctor.  Next week I'll be pushing the exercise as I test out foods and see what my pouch can tolerate.

And the journey continues....

Day 17 - in the Depths of Pureed Food

Part of me can't believe it's been 17 days since surgery.  Part of me can't believe it's only been 17 days since surgery.  It has been a rocky road, for sure.

I haven't need any pain meds since my last post - YAY!  I've been able to get on the bike and am up to 11.5 minutes.  It's a slow ride, but I'm moving.  I would love to take Casey for a walk (since Poly remained at daycare this week; with me still unable to bend at the waist we felt like we had no choice, plus she's happy there).  I specifically asked if I could take Casey for a walk.  She asked how big he was (ehem, 90 lbs....) and if he pulls (most definitely).  With those two answers she said it wasn't safe and I could do damage to my sleeve.  I've worked too hard to do anything risky!

So I've been sitting around, mostly avoiding everything that's on my to-do list.  Most of the stuff has basically been copied from one day to the next with little accomplishment.  I've also spent most of the week debating what this post would look like.  Unlike most of my sleeved online friends, I have no picture from the day of surgery.  I also have no pictures from my highest weight.  When you're a hippopotamus you tend to avoid the camera at all costs.  I do have a picture from a cruise last September which gives you a good idea of what I looked like.  I think this is even more than I weighed when Keith and I did the photo shoot.  I have to say, I'm still undecided.  If I'm going to post it, I might as well put the number out there, right?  All or nothing?  I'll avoid that for now and decide as I near the end of this post.

I did pretty well with the liquid diet, although I started to get hungry by the end of the 2 weeks.  I hadn't had anything solid in a long time!  At the same time, I feared the pureed diet more than I can express.  "What am I going to eat?"  "Surely they can't expect me to throw chicken in the blender?"  "I can't bear the thought of eating protein-high baby food!"  As you can imagine, there were many more thoughts along those lines.

I had my post-op appointment and both the nurse and the dietitian were pleased.  The nurse based my weight loss (just a little over a week post-op) on my 1st pre-op weight.  That may or may not be accurate.  Honestly, I have it all recorded in a calendar, I just haven't looked at the numbers.  Based on that she was pleased, but I know that between my pre-op and my 1st attempt, I lost a bunch of weight from the liquid diet.  Then I did my famous emotional eating and gained most of that back.  I worked hard to lose enough so I was, thankfully, not as fat as my 1st pre-op number.

I talked at length with the dietitian with all of my anxieties.  She said it's normal and proceeded to give me a sheet with a bunch of suggestions.  The one I assumed was egg salad (which isn't half bad, even pureed), but she had a number of suggestions.  I was still skeptical, especially given that I have to do this for 2 weeks.  The good news is that one idea is actually pretty good - and high in protein (the main goal - forever).  It's using chicken (I bought Perdue Short Cuts), plain Greek yogurt, and ranch dressing (or I could use mild taco seasoning also).  So, it's a protein drink for breakfast, 4 oz of a high protein meal for lunch and another for dinner, with another protein drink sometime during the day.  I usually save it until nighttime and then make one of the sweet ones from the cookbook I have.  There is apple pie, banana bread and a number of others.  It's pretty scrumptious... at least as far as protein shakes go.

At my first post-op, I met with the dietitian (who gave me the instructions/pureed food ideas) and the LRNP.  Everyone seemed pleased with my progress.  They told me that they anticipate a 20 lb loss in the first month.  I think that I'll be near that, but my 2nd appt, which is supposed to be a month from surgery will only be 3 weeks (so I can see him in the 'burbs).  I'll have a little wiggle room as far as loss is concerned.  I am following the post-op orders to the letter and have increased my exercise daily.

Yes, I overdo it and yes, I pay for it that day and/or the next.  I try to not do too much.  I am also stubborn as all get-out and want to push myself.  I want to find my limit without passing it.  I want to take this opportunity and not screw anything up.  I can't screw it up.  I've worked too hard.  The thing is, for the rottenness of clearances leading up to the surgery and the pretty awful first attempt, this post-op regimen is incredibly difficult.  It's going to kill me to keep away from carbs until I get closer to my goal weight.

Goal weight?  When I asked the LRNP about that, she said what they use as a determination is an antiquated chart.  They anticipate a 55-60% loss of my excess body weight.  The rest is up to me - all me.  It's following the diet - the very strict eating plan - and getting my exercise in.  As soon as I'm cleared by the doctor to do so, I'll be activating my membership at the gym and begin water aerobics.  When I'm strong enough, I am considering working with a personal trainer, but that's not exactly free.  One thing at a time.

It's frustrating when people say that surgery is the "easy way out" because they have NO CLUE!  The prep and clearances were killer, but little did I realize (as much as I read about it) that the real work starts now.  It's HARD.  The "diet" is hard.  The exercise is hard (and can get painful when I do too much).  Meeting weight expectations is hard.  Having regular doctor appointments to follow-up is hard (1 week, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year and then every year thereafter).  So yeah, the real worked started 17 days ago.

I've been writing this on and off all day and think I have decided (if so, you can see above) that I will post the picture.  Yes, it has a number on it, but I will never let myself reach that number again.  I will not screw this up.  I cannot!

As an aside, I saw the EOB for my surgery and including the upper GI test, all the meds, the 2 nights in the hospital, the anesthesia, etc., the total was over $78K!!  I am SO thankful for my primary insurance plan because I won't have to pay anywhere near that amount.  Praise God!  Truly, I left this in His hands and prayed for those 5 months between my initial appointment with the surgeon to the day of surgery.

The "incisions" weren't too big, although one of them, the largest - about 2"-3" - still had steristrips on it yesterday.  They had rolled upwards and downwards and the only part which remained attached I slowly removed.  That area is where they did all the work and the "incision" is about 2-3 inches long and my stomach sort of puckers in there (as well as one other "incision").  Today I felt a lot of pain in that area and my Mom (a nurse) gave a suggestion of how to cover it.

I try to only wear the binding document when I go out or at night.  I haven't taken any Tylenol.  I do the breathing device far less often.  And I continue to write down everything that goes in and out of my body, as well as documenting my temperature twice daily.  I don't know if that's still necessary, but, as you've read - I WILL NOT SCREW THIS UP!

So, you'll see that I posted the picture.  Like I said, all or nothing.  If I'm not going to be honest here, behind a computer, how can I be real in my offline world?

I know this will be a long hard road.  But it's a journey I have to take; that I have to continue.

Bariatric Update

Hey all!  I figured it was time for an update, so here it is :)

My psychologist has written a letter of support and approval for me to have the surgery.  When I met with the cardiologist he wanted to wait until I had a few tests before giving his ok.  I had a nuclear stress test two weeks ago and an echo last week.  I see him on the 15th and expect full go-ahead.

I've been testing some protein drinks/shakes and went through what the dietitian sent with a highlighter and pen.  I have studied my little heart out.  I'm also setting up a consult with a therapist simply for eating and food issues.  I've seen her before when my psychologist was gone and she was his student.

The next step is to have an endoscopy.  The nurse said that they typically wait until later in the process before scheduling this, when I called and asked it to schedule since it will require some coordination (using my GI doc with the surgeon in the room).  She called and said that the surgeon will be in touch with the GI doc in the next couple of weeks.

The nurse called to tell me that she received the information I sent with my C-Pap report and most recent blood work.  She expressed some concern over my triglycerides and is sending me a script for new labs (which they run anyway).  My sugar levels are elevated and there is a slight debate over if I should have a diabetes diagnosis or if I can be considered pre-diabetic assuming that my levels will decrease post-op.

After the endoscopy, I was told that the surgery is scheduled about 6 weeks out.  In the meantime, I'm having a protein shake for breakfast and working to keep my sweets and carbs in check.  The latter is HARD!  I was so cranky yesterday because I fought the urge to have some Skinny Cow chocolates.  I have to at least start to make big changes and not wait until after the operation.  I will be on a liquid diet for both the 2 weeks pre- and post-op, then 2 weeks of pureed food (I refuse to eat pureed chicken!).

My husband and I have joined a gym, at which I will use the pool - possibly taking an aquatics class.  My membership is on hold for now until I know when surgery is.  I'm sure I'll be limited after surgery and will likely not be in the pool for some time.  I did speak with the location nearest to me and she said that I can always activate my membership now and then freeze it again when I have surgery.  I loathe the thought of squeezing myself into a bathing suit, but the exercise may help me lose some weight and get into a routine.  For now, we'll see.....

I am both excited and terrified, but I have to do it.  I'll try to post more often, or at least as I have updates.

Life

Life holds many things, some of which are positive and some of which are negative.  If I'm going to reveal some things about myself, I'm not only fat, I'll share that I suffer from bipolar disorder and have a number of physical problem which are unrelated to my weight (not to mention those which *are* weight-related).

So, my life now holds a membership to the Y.  For several weeks at the end of the year I was talking water aerobic classes.  Being in a bathing suit is not thrilling, but being in the water is far better for my body than trying to workout in the gym.  I did lose 16 lbs, but haven't been in weeks and gained back 4 of those lbs.

Life also holds a house full of critters - 2 large dogs and 2 cats.  I haven't been able to walk the dogs due to the abuse on my body from the pulling but we've ordered a new leash (the Wacky Walk'r) which is supposed to buffer that pressure.  We also got the related Crazy Coupler so that I'm only holding onto one leash and the dogs can't get tangled.  We'll see how this works.

Food.  This really deserves a post all of its own, but I'll just say that I have a sweet tooth which is absolutely destroying me.  My eating habits have gotten pretty bad - not only do I crave chocolate, but I totally have an addiction to carbs.  These things aren't the best way to enjoy food if I'm going to lose weight.

I need to lose about 150 lbs, although I'll settle for 120 (from this point, so on top of what I've already lost).  As I said in another post, I've considered lap-band surgery.  I don't want to do gastric bypass, but it seems like lap-band is a reasonable alternative.

This is my life as it stands now.  Ironically, I'm off to go have some tortellini for dinner.