It's not easy to admit, but my mood has taken a real hit since surgery was cancelled. This process has been very difficult for me for reasons I'm choosing not to reveal in such an open forum. Suffice it to say, having to delay it has really affected me. I feel more depressed and sometimes that means I want to eat emotionally - which is never veggies, I can tell you that!
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
How do you feel?
I often hear the statement "you must feel SO much better." Wow, define "better" if you would, please. Do I have a stamina for physical activity I lacked at 326 pounds? Without a doubt! Do I feel less ashamed by my appearance, especially when meeting new people or seeing people I haven't seen for years? For sure! Am I relieved to not be the proverbial (and literal, it felt like) elephant in the room while being totally invisible all at the same time? You bet!
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Please...I Need Some Advice
I'll keep this short and sweet. If you are a person who is overweight, who is an emotional eater, who is bulimic, who is anorexic, who eats beyond to the point of being full, who thinks about food more than just at mealtimes (see other questions below).... what are your thoughts and feelings about OA (Overeaters Anonymous)? Have you gone to any meetings or know someone who has? Was it a good experience?
I have taken the following from their website:
I am giving serious consideration to this (with "encouragement" of my therapist) He has gone to the extent of researching which meetings are good and which are flops (like the one and only one I've ever been to) and finding me a contact he knows. There is a Saturday morning meeting about 35-45 minutes away, but UGH! However, I get up with the dogs at 7:00 am anyway, so I'm not really missing out on any sleep - except for the occasional nap after I feed them.
I am totally an emotional eater - good or bad - celebration or mourning/depressed/drowning my sorrows/etc. That is something I need to address. I'm terrified and simply want to know anyone else's feelings, thoughts, etc.
Their general webiste is oa.org; the above link came from here. The site is jam-packed with information and is worth just browsing if you feel like you fit into any of these categories, or know of anyone who may - just don't push it on them. They/I have to be willing to go independent of being told to do so. Oh, I guess I should be clear here: my therapist isn't forcing me to go, but really is encouraging and helping get past the anxiety.
Any advice???
(PS: sorry for any typos or weird sentences, if I've gone to change something and didn't fully remove what I thought was a better way to say something; my wrist still hasn't totally recovered so typing is pretty painful. I'm also exhausted - 11:30 pm and the depression gives me no energy to review it. Thanks for your understanding!)
I have taken the following from their website:
Is OA For You?
Are You a Compulsive Overeater?
Now that you have found Overeaters Anonymous, you may want to make sure our program is right for you. Many of us have found it useful to answer the following questions to help determine if we have a problem with compulsive eating.
- Do I eat when I’m not hungry, or not eat when my body needs nourishment?
- Do I go on eating binges for no apparent reason, sometimes eating until I’m stuffed or even feel sick?
- Do I have feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment about my weight or the way I eat?
- Do I eat sensibly in front of others and then make up for it when I am alone?
- Is my eating affecting my health or the way I live my life?
- When my emotions are intense—whether positive or negative—do I find myself reaching for food?
- Do my eating behaviors make me or others unhappy?
- Have I ever used laxatives, vomiting, diuretics, excessive exercise, diet pills, shots or other medical interventions (including surgery) to try to control my weight?
- Do I fast or severely restrict my food intake to control my weight?
- Do I fantasize about how much better life would be if I were a different size or weight?
- Do I need to chew or have something in my mouth all the time: food, gum, mints, candies or beverages?
- Have I ever eaten food that is burned, frozen or spoiled; from containers in the grocery store; or out of the garbage?
- Are there certain foods I can’t stop eating after having the first bite?
- Have I lost weight with a diet or “period of control” only to be followed by bouts of uncontrolled eating and/or weight gain?
- Do I spend too much time thinking about food, arguing with myself about whether or what to eat, planning the next diet or exercise cure, or counting calories?
Have you answered “yes” to several of these questions? If so, it is possible that you have, or are well on your way to having, a compulsive eating or overeating problem.
I am giving serious consideration to this (with "encouragement" of my therapist) He has gone to the extent of researching which meetings are good and which are flops (like the one and only one I've ever been to) and finding me a contact he knows. There is a Saturday morning meeting about 35-45 minutes away, but UGH! However, I get up with the dogs at 7:00 am anyway, so I'm not really missing out on any sleep - except for the occasional nap after I feed them.
I am totally an emotional eater - good or bad - celebration or mourning/depressed/drowning my sorrows/etc. That is something I need to address. I'm terrified and simply want to know anyone else's feelings, thoughts, etc.
Their general webiste is oa.org; the above link came from here. The site is jam-packed with information and is worth just browsing if you feel like you fit into any of these categories, or know of anyone who may - just don't push it on them. They/I have to be willing to go independent of being told to do so. Oh, I guess I should be clear here: my therapist isn't forcing me to go, but really is encouraging and helping get past the anxiety.
Any advice???
(PS: sorry for any typos or weird sentences, if I've gone to change something and didn't fully remove what I thought was a better way to say something; my wrist still hasn't totally recovered so typing is pretty painful. I'm also exhausted - 11:30 pm and the depression gives me no energy to review it. Thanks for your understanding!)
Monday, June 29, 2015
Pondering
I've been pondering this blog post for awhile now. In fact I'm not entirely sure what I want to say and what not to say.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
Monday, May 18, 2015
A Formal Introduction, 4 1/2 years too late
I'll start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Ok, so we've established that I love musicals, especially The Sound of Music. But that's not even barely a snippet of my life.
I'm 43 years old. I'm a Disney fanatic.... seriously, a freak about Disney!
I also have a mental illness. I have suffered from depression on and off for 30 years. Currently I am on disability for what has now been diagnosed as bipolar II. It's been not quite 15 years since I last worked. I was a social worker and one who was seriously burnt out at that. I have a degree in psychology. I switched over to working in HR for the same agency for the last 6 months, hoping I could keep up my pace. I was referred to a psychologist and it was shortly after that when I took the HR job. That was when I wound up in a psych ward for the first time. To be clear, it was voluntary. I wasn't tied down to the table and fed drugs and given IVs with all sorts of funky juices in them. That, my friends, is the movie version of a psych ward/hospital.
Having been on dozens of meds and even more combos, I was running out of options. So, I have had close to 80 ECT treatments (you may know it as shock therapy/treatment). The first 7 kept me out of the hospital for 4 years after annual hospitalizations. When I started to get really sick again, my therapist suggested I have a consult with another hospital which offers ECT. The psychiatrist refused to do it, saying I had borderline personality disorder. A few years later, after more meds, combos and hospitalizations, I went back to that same hospital and had another consult with the exact same psychiatrist. He approved me for the treatment. While I was inpatient, I did 3 treatments each week. Outpatient I was able to do 1. The doc would have preferred more, but I had no ride the other days. I was receiving what is known as "bilateral" and was at the maximum "dose."
In 2013 I wound up in the hospital medically and had to cancel my scheduled treatment. It gave me pause and I decided that the negative effects outweighed any benefit I was still receiving. My last treatment was December, 2012. It's hard to separate out what symptoms are from the depression and which are due to the ECT, plus I have a bunch of medical problems, including a stroke. There is no knowing. What is medical? Psychological? ECT-based?
My memory loss is significant, but like I said, what is the cause? My therapist told me that the benefits of the ECT would be short-lived, but I kept plugging along. Then I made that decision. I had reached the point where it was time to move along in my treatment. My treatment team was excited about the decision, but as much for the fact that I made it and there was no doctor telling me to stop.
It's hard to decide when to tell someone about mental illness and ECT - both have such stigma. The way I see it, if everyone keeps quiet, the stigma will remain. It's ok for people to ask questions because that's the way the word will get out that it's nothing like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I welcome questions about my illness and my treatments. I would prefer people educate themselves than make ignorant decisions. After all of my treatments and a dozen hospitalizations, I've gotten somewhat vocal. I mean, when push comes to shove there aren't a lot of explanations for my not working since I appear healthy - and am incredibly good at pretending I'm fine, putting on "the mask" and whatever else you want to call it.
What else? My mental illness seems to be such a huge part of my life that I wanted to take this opportunity to get it out there in a fashion that doesn't just say it in a casual way. Other very important parts of my life... I think I've mentioned that I'll be married 20 years in December.
<--- That's my love.
We have 2 cats and 2 dogs, all rescues.
The kitties are siblings. We went to adopt one but couldn't bear the thought of leaving the other one, especially knowing how people are ignorant and won't adopt black kitties because of some silly superstition.
One all-encompassing part of our lives is that we are born-again Christians. Fear not, I won't be sending subliminal messages or preaching at you, so please don't give up on my blog for that. We have a very strong faith and have recently begun a new journey with a new church family (after our former church dissolved). We attempt to keep our lives Christ-centered in what we do, but are awful sinners and fail at every turn. We try and that's all He asks of us.
Ok, so, my hubby is a computer systems engineer (with a chemistry degree - smarty pants), although I prefer to call him a computer geek. It covers all bases. He is such a blessing here at home. Since I am too sick to work, he does so much around here. If we had laundry on the same floor as where we dirty the darn stuff, I could pick up that chore (most of the time). We'd love to get a ranch style home, but now just isn't the time.
I was a social worker, which covers a load of jobs. For me, with my degree in psychology I first worked in a group home with 12 adults suffering from mental illness - sort of ironic, right? I still have incredibly fond memories of many of those incredible men and women. I credit one woman with helping me lose 40 lbs before my wedding. She was on my caseload and one of her goals was to walk every day. My daily time with her was spent joining her on those walks. Another man was in a military academy when he got sick and had to end his hopes of being in the service. The list could go on. They were so special to me. Heck, they even threw me a surprise bridal shower. Extraordinary! My next job was working with adults with developmental disabilities (I think there is now a new name, but that's what it was called when I worked) who were living with host families. I put a lot of miles on my car and loved my clients and most of the families. It all took a lot out of me. The final 6 months of my employment with them was working as an HR coordinator. It took off the pressures of one position, but added having to learn an entirely new and unfamiliar field. You know what happened after that.
I spent ages 2-16 as a dancer. First was ballet and at age 10 (?) I added in jazz. My hope was to go to Julliard (ok, let's make that a dream... a far off dream), but those hopes were dashed when, after many, many injuries, I broke my knee and needed surgery. I was told any further dancing would be out of the question. I also played violin, starting in 3rd grade and through the first year of college. I also played clarinet, starting (late) just before 7th grade and all the way through college. In high school there was marching band and concert band and at the time, if you were in one, you were in the other. It was very time-consuming. The Fall held football games weekly and practice two weeks a night, plus competitions for all of October and some other weeks. I was able to participate in the Miss America parade one year and my senior year we marched in the 3:00 parade in Disney World!!!! It was like a dream come true. We went to competitions annually, including Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and Toronto. High school orchestra was small, but I do remember us going to a competition in Toronto (because it was the week after the band one!). In college, it was simply concert band and we did one performance at the end of each semester. College orchestra consisted of basically a quartet or sometimes a quintet, depending on who showed up. It wasn't worth it for me, so I left it go.
As you can see, music is an enormous part of my life. It is also for the mister. He is a drummer. We lived in neighboring towns and our football teams competed, as did we compete as bands each weekend. We were on the same fields a lot and never even knew it! We actually met at a Hallmark shop. I started working there when I was 18. He was an established employee. We worked there until we got married. After about 6 months of that we couldn't take so much togetherness and decided we'd stop working at the shop. I'm still partial to Hallmark cards, though ;)
I'm 43 years old. I'm a Disney fanatic.... seriously, a freak about Disney!
I also have a mental illness. I have suffered from depression on and off for 30 years. Currently I am on disability for what has now been diagnosed as bipolar II. It's been not quite 15 years since I last worked. I was a social worker and one who was seriously burnt out at that. I have a degree in psychology. I switched over to working in HR for the same agency for the last 6 months, hoping I could keep up my pace. I was referred to a psychologist and it was shortly after that when I took the HR job. That was when I wound up in a psych ward for the first time. To be clear, it was voluntary. I wasn't tied down to the table and fed drugs and given IVs with all sorts of funky juices in them. That, my friends, is the movie version of a psych ward/hospital.
Having been on dozens of meds and even more combos, I was running out of options. So, I have had close to 80 ECT treatments (you may know it as shock therapy/treatment). The first 7 kept me out of the hospital for 4 years after annual hospitalizations. When I started to get really sick again, my therapist suggested I have a consult with another hospital which offers ECT. The psychiatrist refused to do it, saying I had borderline personality disorder. A few years later, after more meds, combos and hospitalizations, I went back to that same hospital and had another consult with the exact same psychiatrist. He approved me for the treatment. While I was inpatient, I did 3 treatments each week. Outpatient I was able to do 1. The doc would have preferred more, but I had no ride the other days. I was receiving what is known as "bilateral" and was at the maximum "dose."
In 2013 I wound up in the hospital medically and had to cancel my scheduled treatment. It gave me pause and I decided that the negative effects outweighed any benefit I was still receiving. My last treatment was December, 2012. It's hard to separate out what symptoms are from the depression and which are due to the ECT, plus I have a bunch of medical problems, including a stroke. There is no knowing. What is medical? Psychological? ECT-based?
My memory loss is significant, but like I said, what is the cause? My therapist told me that the benefits of the ECT would be short-lived, but I kept plugging along. Then I made that decision. I had reached the point where it was time to move along in my treatment. My treatment team was excited about the decision, but as much for the fact that I made it and there was no doctor telling me to stop.
It's hard to decide when to tell someone about mental illness and ECT - both have such stigma. The way I see it, if everyone keeps quiet, the stigma will remain. It's ok for people to ask questions because that's the way the word will get out that it's nothing like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I welcome questions about my illness and my treatments. I would prefer people educate themselves than make ignorant decisions. After all of my treatments and a dozen hospitalizations, I've gotten somewhat vocal. I mean, when push comes to shove there aren't a lot of explanations for my not working since I appear healthy - and am incredibly good at pretending I'm fine, putting on "the mask" and whatever else you want to call it.
<--- That's my love.
We have 2 cats and 2 dogs, all rescues.
The kitties are siblings. We went to adopt one but couldn't bear the thought of leaving the other one, especially knowing how people are ignorant and won't adopt black kitties because of some silly superstition.
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The dogs we're told are a shepherd mix (left) and a vizsla mix (right). For the record, we didn't know either, but a vizsla is a Hungarian hunting dog. Note: hunting dog = we have our hands full!
One all-encompassing part of our lives is that we are born-again Christians. Fear not, I won't be sending subliminal messages or preaching at you, so please don't give up on my blog for that. We have a very strong faith and have recently begun a new journey with a new church family (after our former church dissolved). We attempt to keep our lives Christ-centered in what we do, but are awful sinners and fail at every turn. We try and that's all He asks of us.
Ok, so, my hubby is a computer systems engineer (with a chemistry degree - smarty pants), although I prefer to call him a computer geek. It covers all bases. He is such a blessing here at home. Since I am too sick to work, he does so much around here. If we had laundry on the same floor as where we dirty the darn stuff, I could pick up that chore (most of the time). We'd love to get a ranch style home, but now just isn't the time.
I was a social worker, which covers a load of jobs. For me, with my degree in psychology I first worked in a group home with 12 adults suffering from mental illness - sort of ironic, right? I still have incredibly fond memories of many of those incredible men and women. I credit one woman with helping me lose 40 lbs before my wedding. She was on my caseload and one of her goals was to walk every day. My daily time with her was spent joining her on those walks. Another man was in a military academy when he got sick and had to end his hopes of being in the service. The list could go on. They were so special to me. Heck, they even threw me a surprise bridal shower. Extraordinary! My next job was working with adults with developmental disabilities (I think there is now a new name, but that's what it was called when I worked) who were living with host families. I put a lot of miles on my car and loved my clients and most of the families. It all took a lot out of me. The final 6 months of my employment with them was working as an HR coordinator. It took off the pressures of one position, but added having to learn an entirely new and unfamiliar field. You know what happened after that.
I spent ages 2-16 as a dancer. First was ballet and at age 10 (?) I added in jazz. My hope was to go to Julliard (ok, let's make that a dream... a far off dream), but those hopes were dashed when, after many, many injuries, I broke my knee and needed surgery. I was told any further dancing would be out of the question. I also played violin, starting in 3rd grade and through the first year of college. I also played clarinet, starting (late) just before 7th grade and all the way through college. In high school there was marching band and concert band and at the time, if you were in one, you were in the other. It was very time-consuming. The Fall held football games weekly and practice two weeks a night, plus competitions for all of October and some other weeks. I was able to participate in the Miss America parade one year and my senior year we marched in the 3:00 parade in Disney World!!!! It was like a dream come true. We went to competitions annually, including Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and Toronto. High school orchestra was small, but I do remember us going to a competition in Toronto (because it was the week after the band one!). In college, it was simply concert band and we did one performance at the end of each semester. College orchestra consisted of basically a quartet or sometimes a quintet, depending on who showed up. It wasn't worth it for me, so I left it go.
As you can see, music is an enormous part of my life. It is also for the mister. He is a drummer. We lived in neighboring towns and our football teams competed, as did we compete as bands each weekend. We were on the same fields a lot and never even knew it! We actually met at a Hallmark shop. I started working there when I was 18. He was an established employee. We worked there until we got married. After about 6 months of that we couldn't take so much togetherness and decided we'd stop working at the shop. I'm still partial to Hallmark cards, though ;)
I love to write, as you can probably tell and am considering putting some of my journal writings into a book.
Hub and I love to travel. It's not only Disney, although Disney World and Disney Cruise Line are our favorites, we enjoy doing most travelling. Keith grew up going to Ocean City, NJ every year and we kept that up for a bit. We'll now go down for a day, maybe his birthday. This past summer we were financially forced to re-schedule our Disney cruise and went to Ocean City, MD and loved it! We had been there once before but this experience was different - not better or worse, just different. Now, it was Cycle Week - and no, it wasn't bicycles. It was LOUD down there and we'd certainly chose another week to go. We went down to the barrier islands several times and were able to see a bunch of wild ponies. That was pretty incredible. We're headed on another cruise to Bermuda soon and are headed to Alaska on Disney Cruise Line later this year. Like I said, we LOVE to travel!
I'm pretty sure this is long enough without me blabbering on and on about stuff - I'm sure I'll keep doing that as time goes by. For now, if you made it through this, thank you!
Hub and I love to travel. It's not only Disney, although Disney World and Disney Cruise Line are our favorites, we enjoy doing most travelling. Keith grew up going to Ocean City, NJ every year and we kept that up for a bit. We'll now go down for a day, maybe his birthday. This past summer we were financially forced to re-schedule our Disney cruise and went to Ocean City, MD and loved it! We had been there once before but this experience was different - not better or worse, just different. Now, it was Cycle Week - and no, it wasn't bicycles. It was LOUD down there and we'd certainly chose another week to go. We went down to the barrier islands several times and were able to see a bunch of wild ponies. That was pretty incredible. We're headed on another cruise to Bermuda soon and are headed to Alaska on Disney Cruise Line later this year. Like I said, we LOVE to travel!
I'm pretty sure this is long enough without me blabbering on and on about stuff - I'm sure I'll keep doing that as time goes by. For now, if you made it through this, thank you!
Question
For the few but faithful who read this blog:
It's a fine line. As far as the mental illness is concerned, I'm not ashamed about it. On the other hand, I don't want to go around with a sign around my neck telling the world. If someone had diabetes or heart issues or any other illnesses for that matter, they wouldn't have the "scarlet letter" shown for all to see.
I am a realistic person. My life isn't of much interest to many and I've been pretty personal on this blog as opposed to the one about my critters. I've been considering making this one public and posting my entries to Facebook.
Here's where you come in. If this was your life, would you want this much information "out there?" I know people can access it if they really want to... blah, blah, blah. But I'm being serious here. Have I put parts of myself out there that maybe shouldn't be? Is this too personal? Have I shared too much? If my Mother reads it, would she be embarrassed that her friends who are on FB also see it?
It's a fine line. As far as the mental illness is concerned, I'm not ashamed about it. On the other hand, I don't want to go around with a sign around my neck telling the world. If someone had diabetes or heart issues or any other illnesses for that matter, they wouldn't have the "scarlet letter" shown for all to see.
I really, truly want your opinions.
Thanks!
Monday, April 13, 2015
Rare
Just to keep you in the loop (if anyone is actually reading this...) when I saw my psychiatrist this morning he is taking me off of one of my meds because of a few side effects. He, who is in his 50s and very up-to-date with studies and the like, looked them up on the computer having not heard of them.
Guess what? They are RARE occurrences on that particular med. You read it right -- RARE! If you didn't catch that the first few times.... my side effects are/were RARE!
Yep, that sounds about right.... Welcome to my world.
Guess what? They are RARE occurrences on that particular med. You read it right -- RARE! If you didn't catch that the first few times.... my side effects are/were RARE!
Yep, that sounds about right.... Welcome to my world.
Warning: Medical Ranting, Venting, and Complaining Ahead
Don't say I didn't warn you!
In the next 2 weeks I am scheduled for something nearly every day. FYI: last week wasn't much better. But I digress...
I can barely breathe just typing it.
Now, I did contact the physiatrist this afternoon to let her know that I fell on Friday. In the basement. Onto the concrete. I'm in some serious pain. My back seems worse. My right knee took a hit. My right ankle twisted when I landed. I think some damage was done to my left ankle, on which I had surgery that had me laid up for the better part of 2 months.
Yeah, I'm cranky.
I'm a stress eater.
I'm trying to get back onto the Weight Watchers program.
This does not add up. But.... I won't be home very often to be tempted. Oy!
As a PS: I know that most people would be envious of my schedule. I just have to respond by saying that I am bipolar currently in a depression so severe the docs have talked of me being hospitalized. Oh, and my agoraphobia has surfaced a little bit, so going out, especially by myself, is pretty scary. So, I'll go back to working full-time if I could get rid of some of this junk!!! I'll leave it at that.
I want to add Bible study to this list. It's something I look forward to each week, but it makes life (and dinner!) more insane.
Thank you if you've made it to the end of this post.
In the next 2 weeks I am scheduled for something nearly every day. FYI: last week wasn't much better. But I digress...
- We're talking aquatic therapy 3 times each week.
- There is therapy once a week.
- I saw my psychiatrist this morning (and traffic was a mess, so was taking some deep <fat girl> breaths as I made it to my appointment)
- I have the CT urogram this week - where they catheterize me and inject a dye in my bladder, then follow it with a CT (hence the name LOL)
- I had blood work to do before I could do the CT
- I will be seeing the physiatrist for a follow-up
- There is the oh-so-fun EMG at the neurologist's to evaluate my carpal tunnel
- Then I see the hand specialist the day after the EMG to see where things stand, since I had the cortisone shots in both hands during two separate visits.
- A week after the CT, I will see a urogynecologist who will do some sort of test requiring catheterization
- I am on a committee for a seminar at my church. I have a meeting for that tomorrow night. The event is on Saturday.
I can barely breathe just typing it.
Now, I did contact the physiatrist this afternoon to let her know that I fell on Friday. In the basement. Onto the concrete. I'm in some serious pain. My back seems worse. My right knee took a hit. My right ankle twisted when I landed. I think some damage was done to my left ankle, on which I had surgery that had me laid up for the better part of 2 months.
Yeah, I'm cranky.
I'm a stress eater.
I'm trying to get back onto the Weight Watchers program.
This does not add up. But.... I won't be home very often to be tempted. Oy!
As a PS: I know that most people would be envious of my schedule. I just have to respond by saying that I am bipolar currently in a depression so severe the docs have talked of me being hospitalized. Oh, and my agoraphobia has surfaced a little bit, so going out, especially by myself, is pretty scary. So, I'll go back to working full-time if I could get rid of some of this junk!!! I'll leave it at that.
I want to add Bible study to this list. It's something I look forward to each week, but it makes life (and dinner!) more insane.
Thank you if you've made it to the end of this post.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Medical Update (so that doesn't sound as good as "Weekend Update" on SNL, does it?)
Well, onward and forward....
I went to the doctor on Tuesday and she found the same results as I had. She said that there is this CT that would be the next test, but she wanted to speak with the associate from prior to this appointment to make sure she is on the right track (she's a young doctor, but like I said... she's amazing!). My Mom is a nurse in the office and after seeing me, the doc said to my Mom that it's "unusual" (or a similar word) and Mom said "if it's rare, that's my girl!"
When I got the return call she said she is ordering the test. Ugh. Let me explain why:
OK, so I did a search online and couldn't find anything on my "go to" medical sites other than abstracts, which are by definition, pretty much less-than-helpful to a peon like me. To start, three hours prior to the test, they want me to have 32 oz of water. And hold it! They will catheterize me (woo hoo) and put dye up into my bladder just prior to doing the CT scan.
If that isn't enough fun for you, I go to a uro-gynecologist (who knew?) the following week and he will catheterize me again to look into my bladder. I have to question if this isn't a larger catheter so he can fit a small camera in it, much like a lower endoscopy or something similar. In which case, OUCH and more than the first time.
I think this does beg the question: do people in the medical field really like catheterizing people that much? I've had one catheter in my life and it was inserted while I was under anesthesia. I asked my doctor if I was going to be awake (jokingly) and she said "no, but I can give you something." I thanked her and said that I had plenty of stuff here.
Of course there is has been a lot of co-ordinating of services - there has to be blood work done at least 2 days prior to the test, the test needs to be pre-auth'd or pre-cert'd (I can't remember which) and after I was done with setting all of that up, I had to schedule with the uro-gyno and make sure that appt is far enough out from the test so the full results would be available.
There are far too many people "down there" - as if the annual gyn appt isn't bad enough.
For fun, in the midst of this, I've been doing aquatic therapy for my back 3x/week, seeing a hand specialist, seeing my neurologist for a hand-related test, and have my monthly psychiatry appt and my weekly therapy sessions. I'm tired just writing it.
Anyway that's myWeekend medical update.
Any chance I can get on SNL, just for one update??? I didn't think so.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday and she found the same results as I had. She said that there is this CT that would be the next test, but she wanted to speak with the associate from prior to this appointment to make sure she is on the right track (she's a young doctor, but like I said... she's amazing!). My Mom is a nurse in the office and after seeing me, the doc said to my Mom that it's "unusual" (or a similar word) and Mom said "if it's rare, that's my girl!"
When I got the return call she said she is ordering the test. Ugh. Let me explain why:
OK, so I did a search online and couldn't find anything on my "go to" medical sites other than abstracts, which are by definition, pretty much less-than-helpful to a peon like me. To start, three hours prior to the test, they want me to have 32 oz of water. And hold it! They will catheterize me (woo hoo) and put dye up into my bladder just prior to doing the CT scan.
If that isn't enough fun for you, I go to a uro-gynecologist (who knew?) the following week and he will catheterize me again to look into my bladder. I have to question if this isn't a larger catheter so he can fit a small camera in it, much like a lower endoscopy or something similar. In which case, OUCH and more than the first time.
I think this does beg the question: do people in the medical field really like catheterizing people that much? I've had one catheter in my life and it was inserted while I was under anesthesia. I asked my doctor if I was going to be awake (jokingly) and she said "no, but I can give you something." I thanked her and said that I had plenty of stuff here.
Of course there is has been a lot of co-ordinating of services - there has to be blood work done at least 2 days prior to the test, the test needs to be pre-auth'd or pre-cert'd (I can't remember which) and after I was done with setting all of that up, I had to schedule with the uro-gyno and make sure that appt is far enough out from the test so the full results would be available.
There are far too many people "down there" - as if the annual gyn appt isn't bad enough.
For fun, in the midst of this, I've been doing aquatic therapy for my back 3x/week, seeing a hand specialist, seeing my neurologist for a hand-related test, and have my monthly psychiatry appt and my weekly therapy sessions. I'm tired just writing it.
Anyway that's my
Any chance I can get on SNL, just for one update??? I didn't think so.
Friday, March 13, 2015
There is no title.....
I'm at a loss. Really, a total loss - and not the weight kind. My emotional eating has taken me back up to the weight I was when I started Weight Watchers (and maybe a little more, but I haven't gotten on the scale in a couple of weeks).
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Wintertime has Been Evil
Ok, so maybe "evil" isn't the right word, but winter sure has gotten to me. Granted I'd given up walking the dogs back in Autumn (I think) but I also don't have any motivation to do it in this mess, either. I don't have any energy to ride my exercise bike. But... I am in PT for a number of things (the physical therapist saw the script and said "what happened?" I saw him back in 2013 for my pre-op attempt at avoidance. There are so many things on there he just didn't know where to start.
Eating. UGH! I haven't stuck to Weight Watchers at all. I have added a few meals here and there - the same meals I was eating on the plan. I just didn't track all the junk I've been putting in my body. Last time I saw my PCP I refused the scale. She thinks I'm still down 30 pounds. I didn't realize until I left and saw the paper she'd written on, but I didn't make any attempt to fix it.
I'm embarrassed. People stare and I want to say "I'm a middle-aged woman, so have the metabolism of a turtle, and am on enough meds to kill a horse.... oh, and by the way, nearly all of them have weight gain as a side effect; did I mention that I'm bipolar and severe depression makes me almost have negative motivation." Now, you, "skinny person" stop staring and understand that things are not as cut and dry as you think they are. So, go have a burger!
Tonight is an excellent example of our food intake of late: hubby is picking up hoagies and chips and we will have some drinks - granted it's usually one form or another of Coke Zero and when I'm not drinking water, it's either one of the Coke Zeros or diet, decaf iced tea. One of my new meds has me on Lithium which causes me to have a metal taste in my mouth all the time, so drinking waster isn't as easy as it used to be. I go as long into the day as I can with water, but at some point, I have to switch to something with taste. Plus, wow, some of those un-coated meds are nasty!
I need fruit! I think fruit will help get me back on track - and not the canned stuff, because while I'm eating Libby's no sugar added mandarin oranges in the can, I could really go for an apple that doesn't cost $1600 a pound! Ok, we do have bananas, but I'm a brat and they have to be green or have at least some green on them. I'm not a fan of banana mush or banana baby food.
That is that. Wintertime isn't my friend this year.
Eating. UGH! I haven't stuck to Weight Watchers at all. I have added a few meals here and there - the same meals I was eating on the plan. I just didn't track all the junk I've been putting in my body. Last time I saw my PCP I refused the scale. She thinks I'm still down 30 pounds. I didn't realize until I left and saw the paper she'd written on, but I didn't make any attempt to fix it.
I'm embarrassed. People stare and I want to say "I'm a middle-aged woman, so have the metabolism of a turtle, and am on enough meds to kill a horse.... oh, and by the way, nearly all of them have weight gain as a side effect; did I mention that I'm bipolar and severe depression makes me almost have negative motivation." Now, you, "skinny person" stop staring and understand that things are not as cut and dry as you think they are. So, go have a burger!
Tonight is an excellent example of our food intake of late: hubby is picking up hoagies and chips and we will have some drinks - granted it's usually one form or another of Coke Zero and when I'm not drinking water, it's either one of the Coke Zeros or diet, decaf iced tea. One of my new meds has me on Lithium which causes me to have a metal taste in my mouth all the time, so drinking waster isn't as easy as it used to be. I go as long into the day as I can with water, but at some point, I have to switch to something with taste. Plus, wow, some of those un-coated meds are nasty!
I need fruit! I think fruit will help get me back on track - and not the canned stuff, because while I'm eating Libby's no sugar added mandarin oranges in the can, I could really go for an apple that doesn't cost $1600 a pound! Ok, we do have bananas, but I'm a brat and they have to be green or have at least some green on them. I'm not a fan of banana mush or banana baby food.
That is that. Wintertime isn't my friend this year.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Brrrrr.......
It's cold here in the Mid-Atlantic of the US. I mean sub zero (F) temps. It's been a really good excuse not to exercise. I'll ignore the fact that I have an exercise bike in our spare bedroom - and I even dusted it off a few weeks ago. That counts as exercise, right? My emotional eating has also totally taken over my life. While I was down just over 30 lbs on Weight Watchers, I have gained most of it back. Once again, Ben and Jerry's became a good friend. It started in November. Then came Christmas and my birthday then Valentine's Day and now we are in Easter mode. We bought Reese's eggs and enough jelly beans (Just Born brand, of course!) to fill a small car.
This fat chick is on the weight see-saw. It's horrible. I'm so disappointed. I was finally able to shop in stores and not stuck with catalog shopping. I did pick up a shirt the other day at Kohl's - their 60%-80% off stuff... awesome deals! I figure maybe, just maybe I'll be able to fit into them by our cruise in May. I just have to steer clear of the jelly beans and Reese's eggs. This, friends, will be quite a chore!
I'm also in a very.... and I mean VERY bad place emotionally. For some reason I want to BUY - I came into some money recently and while I'm far from hypomanic, I want to buy stuff. Hubby suggested that I find some projects to work on and even came with me to the craft store to chose something. Yeah, um... that bag is in the dining room somewhere, with several other projects I was going to work on. I have to find my sewing machine before I can take it to get fixed.
There really isn't anything earth-shattering here, but it had been a long time since I wrote and I was feeling the urge to check in. I know there are some people out there - I know I have a few followers. I know someone will read this. I thank you for that!
One thing I just thought of - it was a year ago (almost) to the day that we had our "First in the Series" weight loss photo shoot. To be at the same weight as then.... (hubby, too) is more disappointing than I can describe.
This fat chick is on the weight see-saw. It's horrible. I'm so disappointed. I was finally able to shop in stores and not stuck with catalog shopping. I did pick up a shirt the other day at Kohl's - their 60%-80% off stuff... awesome deals! I figure maybe, just maybe I'll be able to fit into them by our cruise in May. I just have to steer clear of the jelly beans and Reese's eggs. This, friends, will be quite a chore!
I'm also in a very.... and I mean VERY bad place emotionally. For some reason I want to BUY - I came into some money recently and while I'm far from hypomanic, I want to buy stuff. Hubby suggested that I find some projects to work on and even came with me to the craft store to chose something. Yeah, um... that bag is in the dining room somewhere, with several other projects I was going to work on. I have to find my sewing machine before I can take it to get fixed.
There really isn't anything earth-shattering here, but it had been a long time since I wrote and I was feeling the urge to check in. I know there are some people out there - I know I have a few followers. I know someone will read this. I thank you for that!
One thing I just thought of - it was a year ago (almost) to the day that we had our "First in the Series" weight loss photo shoot. To be at the same weight as then.... (hubby, too) is more disappointing than I can describe.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Fat AND bipolar?
Yes. It's true.
I am fat. I am bipolar. I won't go into the rest of my flaws; they could take up and entire and very long entry and there's no need to bore you with all of my junk. Not that having a mental illness is a flaw any more than having cancer is a flaw. I didn't ask for it and I didn't do anything to bring it on. The fat? That's another story. That I can control (to an extent). I control what I put in my mouth and I control how active I am each day.
As I sit here, I have eaten nearly an entire bag of m&ms. It's not pretty and I expect severe nausea to kick in any minute now.
I know I've said before, I'm an emotional eater. Here is where the bipolar fits in with the fat. Life has not been going terribly well lately. I feel no need to go into details, and some of them are far too personal to write on a public forum. But, I am an emotional mess. I've stopped several times at the supermarket and/or Target picking up Ben & Jerry's and a variety of candy and "regular" ice cream - have you tried Turkey Hill's Party Cake flavor? Wow, delicious! The emotions that have me eating are not at the mania/hypomania end of the spectrum. They are where I spent most of my time - at the depression end. Severe depression. With death thoughts. So I eat, and then I feel more angry and more depressed. It turns into the perfect - awful - cycle.
The stress! We had to cancel a dream vacation because we weren't able to save the necessary money each month - a new fridge; dental work; a new (to me) car; 2 weeks ago was a new sliding glass door; last weekend was 3 new toilets - which now require new seat covers and floor mats; Casey (the bigger dog) got sick; the list goes on and on.
I wound up very sick in Aug/Sept with a stomach virus and was, therefore, unable to keep my meds down. Knowing it was a holiday weekend, I paged my psychiatrist that Friday to avoid needing to contact him over the weekend. I called before noon on Friday. After not hearing back 2 hours later, I called and got an answer, being told that he was with a new patient and could be a while but she would make sure he got the message. She called me back and said he never received the page but would call me back later and that he may want my chart in front of him. To give you the full picture here, the Wednesday AND Thursday prior to this call I was in the ER - most pertinent piece of info here being that I got home at 2:30 am Friday morning. Being somewhat incoherent I made sure there was someone with me so that I could remember what the doc said. By 10 pm, no call and hubby and I were exhausted, so we went to bed. 11 pm - I repeat 11 pm (!) the phone rang and it was him. Totally inappropriate and unacceptable! He said maybe he'd call back the following day. Not hearing from him by 11 am-ish, I paged him and took another several hours until he called back. He gave me a bit of an attitude and a titration schedule for my meds. Of course I had Mr B stay with me until he finally had to go to the grocery store so I was home alone, with a list that made only minimal sense to me. I wasn't lucid and I wasn't stable. One night at midnight I had a very embarrassing symptom. I wound up paging my GYN (I verified that she was the one on-call and that she was awake already for a delivery; she is also a family friend). She called the next day after giving me several suggestions to help with the symptoms overnight. She had done some research and found a name for my symptoms and the probable reason was one of my psych meds. Of course I called my psychiatrist back and he was really quite arrogant, saying that he'd never heard of it. Basically since he didn't know of it, it mustn't be the cause, if it even exists. Now, the psychiatrist is in his 50's, the gynecologist is in her 30's.
So, I got a new psychiatrist. I'd had my feelers out for over a year with no success. I'd exhausted anyone my psychologist knew so was left on my own - and that's ok. After the above situation I'd had it. The final straw. So, I have a new one. I saw him for my second monthly appointment last week. There was some horrible traffic shown on the news so I left 90 minutes to get there (a drive that could take 40 minutes traffic-free, rush-hour-free). He seems to run on time, so I went right back for my 15 minute appt and then headed back home. Basically I spent 2-1/2 hours on the road for a 15 minute appt. The "icky" doctor, as we call him here, always ran so, so late that the drive (he was only 10 minutes closer than the new guy) back and forth didn't feel so excessive. Don't get me wrong - this is not a complaint. The new doc is totally worth the drive. Hey, I get to listen to some great music!
And some of the stress is as follows: a doctor's appt with the podiatrist who did my ankle surgery last December who ordered an MRI; a doctor's appt with an ENT who ordered an MRI of my brain (for which I have to have a series of bloodwork done) and an ultrasound of my thyroid; a dental appointment; my usual therapy each week (an hour away) and a number of times getting lost to and from these appts and misinterpreting the date for one appointment (I got lost on the way) and being there a week early. The list goes on with a bunch of financial stuff and other miscellaneous.
So this may have come across as a gripe-fest but it's the circle my life has been on for the past several weeks.
Stress --> depression --> eating --> depression worsening --> comfort eating, etc, etc, etc.
I have to go, there is a pint of Ben & Jerry's calling my name.
Oh yeah, as a PS: I had lost 32 lbs on Weight Watchers prior to this and have found about 10 of those pounds back. Crud!
I am fat. I am bipolar. I won't go into the rest of my flaws; they could take up and entire and very long entry and there's no need to bore you with all of my junk. Not that having a mental illness is a flaw any more than having cancer is a flaw. I didn't ask for it and I didn't do anything to bring it on. The fat? That's another story. That I can control (to an extent). I control what I put in my mouth and I control how active I am each day.
As I sit here, I have eaten nearly an entire bag of m&ms. It's not pretty and I expect severe nausea to kick in any minute now.
I know I've said before, I'm an emotional eater. Here is where the bipolar fits in with the fat. Life has not been going terribly well lately. I feel no need to go into details, and some of them are far too personal to write on a public forum. But, I am an emotional mess. I've stopped several times at the supermarket and/or Target picking up Ben & Jerry's and a variety of candy and "regular" ice cream - have you tried Turkey Hill's Party Cake flavor? Wow, delicious! The emotions that have me eating are not at the mania/hypomania end of the spectrum. They are where I spent most of my time - at the depression end. Severe depression. With death thoughts. So I eat, and then I feel more angry and more depressed. It turns into the perfect - awful - cycle.
The stress! We had to cancel a dream vacation because we weren't able to save the necessary money each month - a new fridge; dental work; a new (to me) car; 2 weeks ago was a new sliding glass door; last weekend was 3 new toilets - which now require new seat covers and floor mats; Casey (the bigger dog) got sick; the list goes on and on.
I wound up very sick in Aug/Sept with a stomach virus and was, therefore, unable to keep my meds down. Knowing it was a holiday weekend, I paged my psychiatrist that Friday to avoid needing to contact him over the weekend. I called before noon on Friday. After not hearing back 2 hours later, I called and got an answer, being told that he was with a new patient and could be a while but she would make sure he got the message. She called me back and said he never received the page but would call me back later and that he may want my chart in front of him. To give you the full picture here, the Wednesday AND Thursday prior to this call I was in the ER - most pertinent piece of info here being that I got home at 2:30 am Friday morning. Being somewhat incoherent I made sure there was someone with me so that I could remember what the doc said. By 10 pm, no call and hubby and I were exhausted, so we went to bed. 11 pm - I repeat 11 pm (!) the phone rang and it was him. Totally inappropriate and unacceptable! He said maybe he'd call back the following day. Not hearing from him by 11 am-ish, I paged him and took another several hours until he called back. He gave me a bit of an attitude and a titration schedule for my meds. Of course I had Mr B stay with me until he finally had to go to the grocery store so I was home alone, with a list that made only minimal sense to me. I wasn't lucid and I wasn't stable. One night at midnight I had a very embarrassing symptom. I wound up paging my GYN (I verified that she was the one on-call and that she was awake already for a delivery; she is also a family friend). She called the next day after giving me several suggestions to help with the symptoms overnight. She had done some research and found a name for my symptoms and the probable reason was one of my psych meds. Of course I called my psychiatrist back and he was really quite arrogant, saying that he'd never heard of it. Basically since he didn't know of it, it mustn't be the cause, if it even exists. Now, the psychiatrist is in his 50's, the gynecologist is in her 30's.
So, I got a new psychiatrist. I'd had my feelers out for over a year with no success. I'd exhausted anyone my psychologist knew so was left on my own - and that's ok. After the above situation I'd had it. The final straw. So, I have a new one. I saw him for my second monthly appointment last week. There was some horrible traffic shown on the news so I left 90 minutes to get there (a drive that could take 40 minutes traffic-free, rush-hour-free). He seems to run on time, so I went right back for my 15 minute appt and then headed back home. Basically I spent 2-1/2 hours on the road for a 15 minute appt. The "icky" doctor, as we call him here, always ran so, so late that the drive (he was only 10 minutes closer than the new guy) back and forth didn't feel so excessive. Don't get me wrong - this is not a complaint. The new doc is totally worth the drive. Hey, I get to listen to some great music!
And some of the stress is as follows: a doctor's appt with the podiatrist who did my ankle surgery last December who ordered an MRI; a doctor's appt with an ENT who ordered an MRI of my brain (for which I have to have a series of bloodwork done) and an ultrasound of my thyroid; a dental appointment; my usual therapy each week (an hour away) and a number of times getting lost to and from these appts and misinterpreting the date for one appointment (I got lost on the way) and being there a week early. The list goes on with a bunch of financial stuff and other miscellaneous.
So this may have come across as a gripe-fest but it's the circle my life has been on for the past several weeks.
Stress --> depression --> eating --> depression worsening --> comfort eating, etc, etc, etc.
I have to go, there is a pint of Ben & Jerry's calling my name.
Oh yeah, as a PS: I had lost 32 lbs on Weight Watchers prior to this and have found about 10 of those pounds back. Crud!
Monday, November 17, 2014
Crash and Burn
Some of you may think this sounds like one big gripe-fest, but it's just what my life is like right now. To start, this whole bipolar thing has gotten out of control. I saw a new psychiatrist last month and my diagnosis has been officially changed to bipolar 2 (aka bpII). My life is less-than-enjoyable these days. It's not that I can put my finger on something specific and say "this" is why I crashed into a full-fledged depression. I did lose a friend a few weeks back. He was from our church that closed in the Spring, so haven't seen him since then. I'll tell you, though, this guy gave THE BEST hugs! Every Sunday I would walk into church and he would come over and give me a giant hug, complementing me on something - anything. One woman teased that she could be wearing a sack and he would tell her how beautiful she looked. He was just that kind of guy. He was kind-hearted and genuine. He is missed. I also developed a few new friendships who seem to think that mental illness isn't "real" because it is more of a spiritual issue. I don't want to get into specifics, nor do I want any comments about this. I only say it because it is something in my life, as it stands right now.
As for my weight... well, I had lost those 25 lbs without trying the end of last year through the early part of this year. Then I went on Weight Watchers (which rocks, by the way) and lost another 23-ish pounds. Then my mental health tanked. I've lost count of how many pints of Ben and Jerry's I've enjoyed. I also got some regular Turkey Hill ice cream to save money. Today was a Wegman's brand version of Ben and Jerry's. It didn't come close as far as flavor. I'll spend the extra dollar for the real stuff from here on out. While you probably can't tell from this, I am super ticked off that I'm pigging out. I'm also super ticked off that the depression is back. They are absolutely related, although one is a choice (sort of) and the other is not. Intellectually I know I have a choice over the junk food bingeing but it sure doesn't feel like it.
One of the dogs was sick for a few weeks so I was taking both pups for a walk virtually ever day. It probably did good things for my mood. It was so much easier to go for a walk every day when I was doing it for Casey and not myself. Especially with the depression I have no motivation. So now, I am not walking. It's a vicious cycle. Vicious!
So, as a fat chick I say that it's ok to go off plan every so often. Weight Watchers actually allows for it. BUT when this has become a multiple week thing, well, it's hit a bad, bad place. And those... are today's musings.
As for my weight... well, I had lost those 25 lbs without trying the end of last year through the early part of this year. Then I went on Weight Watchers (which rocks, by the way) and lost another 23-ish pounds. Then my mental health tanked. I've lost count of how many pints of Ben and Jerry's I've enjoyed. I also got some regular Turkey Hill ice cream to save money. Today was a Wegman's brand version of Ben and Jerry's. It didn't come close as far as flavor. I'll spend the extra dollar for the real stuff from here on out. While you probably can't tell from this, I am super ticked off that I'm pigging out. I'm also super ticked off that the depression is back. They are absolutely related, although one is a choice (sort of) and the other is not. Intellectually I know I have a choice over the junk food bingeing but it sure doesn't feel like it.
One of the dogs was sick for a few weeks so I was taking both pups for a walk virtually ever day. It probably did good things for my mood. It was so much easier to go for a walk every day when I was doing it for Casey and not myself. Especially with the depression I have no motivation. So now, I am not walking. It's a vicious cycle. Vicious!
So, as a fat chick I say that it's ok to go off plan every so often. Weight Watchers actually allows for it. BUT when this has become a multiple week thing, well, it's hit a bad, bad place. And those... are today's musings.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Frustration!
I don't know what to say. I'm fuming right now. I've been fighting with an insurance company and the healthcare provider over a specific claim and both ends, of course, say it's the other one's fault. Now, here I am, stuck in the middle with a past-due bill while we're trying to refinance the house. Oh, and I had the car in the shop yesterday for regular maintenance and because of a weird jerking movement it was making. That turned out to cost $600 - I know it could have been worse and this was almost a relief, but it is also $600 we don't have. On top of this, I have woken up the past week or so with headaches and disinterested in taking medications because of the tendency for bounce-back headaches. I finally gave in yesterday and again today. I was also having abdominal issues yesterday, presumably after a virus from over the weekend.
Today, my dogs go out and play in the mud, one of them digging just a little and listening when I said "STOP" but the other totally and completely ignoring the fact that I'm even talking (yelling) and continued to dig to the point where when I finally drug her inside she was muddy from the bottom of her feet to the top of her legs. I had to wipe both dogs' paws off and in order to do so had to bend over. Now we come to the pain issue - my back did NOT tolerate the bending over well - at all! I was screaming and almost in tears (not being able to cry is another issue...), so, so very frustrated with my life and the dogs. Of course they are now sound asleep on the sofa as if they've been good all day. The big digger, Poly, knew I was angry because I yelled IN her face, something I've never done before and with an unknown history, something which I think scared her (frightening her as if she was going to be abused was NOT my intention; I pray she knows she is loved and safe here.... but also that she MUST behave). He sensed my anger and finally came running inside, mostly compliant as I attempted to clean him up.
I am not in a place where I'm handling this stuff well. Yes, in the grand scheme of things none of this is a big deal, but when I'm starting out in a bad place this just sends me spiraling. My language has not been good the past week-ish. While that may not seen like a big deal to anyone reading this, I am a Christian and do not want my language to be something that doesn't glorify Him.
I want MY therapist back.... 3 more weeks - halfway there......
Today, my dogs go out and play in the mud, one of them digging just a little and listening when I said "STOP" but the other totally and completely ignoring the fact that I'm even talking (yelling) and continued to dig to the point where when I finally drug her inside she was muddy from the bottom of her feet to the top of her legs. I had to wipe both dogs' paws off and in order to do so had to bend over. Now we come to the pain issue - my back did NOT tolerate the bending over well - at all! I was screaming and almost in tears (not being able to cry is another issue...), so, so very frustrated with my life and the dogs. Of course they are now sound asleep on the sofa as if they've been good all day. The big digger, Poly, knew I was angry because I yelled IN her face, something I've never done before and with an unknown history, something which I think scared her (frightening her as if she was going to be abused was NOT my intention; I pray she knows she is loved and safe here.... but also that she MUST behave). He sensed my anger and finally came running inside, mostly compliant as I attempted to clean him up.
I am not in a place where I'm handling this stuff well. Yes, in the grand scheme of things none of this is a big deal, but when I'm starting out in a bad place this just sends me spiraling. My language has not been good the past week-ish. While that may not seen like a big deal to anyone reading this, I am a Christian and do not want my language to be something that doesn't glorify Him.
I want MY therapist back.... 3 more weeks - halfway there......
Friday, February 1, 2013
Books, Furry Kids and More
I love to read! The problem is that my concentration is seriously affected by depression. Right now, I am reading Not Lost Forever, a story I heard about on an old 20/20 episode. It's written by a woman who survived a murderous rampage by her father when she was just a toddler. Keith would say that it's my kind of book, my kind of story. What books are you reading? What do you enjoy? I just love to read biographies and autobiographies, to learn about other peoples' stories and what they've experienced. I think it's my inner psychologist. LOL
Not only does the depression affect my concentration, but I am receiving ECT treatments for it and they have destroyed my memory. That means that if I can get through a chapter, the next day I will have virtually no idea what I read. You may be asking yourself "what on earth is ECT?" Well, I'll tell you - it's electroconvulsive therapy, aka "shock therapy." About half of you are probably thinking something about "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" or some such thing, but it's not like that. It's not torturous, it's not for "crazy" people (gosh, I hate that word!), heck, it doesn't even hurt! It's done under anesthesia. If you're curious to read more about it, click here. Or, please, feel free to ask me questions - I don't know you, you have nothing to lose!
Given the ECT, any question starting with "do you remember..." usually gets the response "NO!" Let me tell you, it's frustrating! When I was in the ER last week the doctors kept asking what meds I was on, what specialists I saw, what surgeries I've had, etc. It's mortifying to not know the answers to these questions. It makes me feel incredibly stupid. I've even forgotten an entire vacation Keith and I took. I work hard now to make memories "stick." We'll see how that goes. For the record, such severe memory loss is a rarity!
Back to the "reading" thing... I have a Kindle and love it! I look at the multiple full bookcases I have throughout the house and then at my little Kindle and wonder why I'd ever buy another paperback! This thing is so easy to use and amazon makes it so easy to buy books and download them onto the device. I have a "Kindle Wishlist" on amazon that contains something like 71 books! Is that crazy, or what? I sure wish I could read faster!!
On a completely unrelated topic, you may have noticed that I switched the background for my blog to pawprints. I adore animals and as I've mentioned before, we have 2 dogs and 2 cats (Casey and Poly, Tori and Bert). They are all named with Disney references: Casey's is a hot dog quick service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom; Poly is the abbreviated way to refer to the Polynesian Resort; Victoria and Albert's is a very fancy restaurant in the Grand Floridian Resort (Keith and I enjoyed it on our honeymoon).
All of our furry kids are rescues. Tori and Bert came first. It was just over a week after our dear kitty, Nikki, had to be put down and we fell in love with these guys at the pet store. They are biological siblings and sure act like it! Casey we met through a rescue and the woman fostering him brought along Poly. We just couldn't separate them! They "play" just like siblings, too, even though they don't share any DNA. The rescue told us that Casey is a shepherd mix and Poly is a vizsla mix - who knows, but does it really matter?? No!
There is never a dull day here at the "B" household, that's for sure! These four guys keep us on our toes! It took us a while to tell the difference between the kitties without seeing their collars (Tori's is red, Bert's is green), but now we're pretty good at it; she's the more petite one and he, well, he likes to eat, like his Mom. Casey is a lover - will give kisses until his tongue falls off - but he is very protective of us and does not like strangers, especially males. She is more reserved. To get kisses from her is cause for celebration. You dog lovers will know what I'm saying...!
So, please tell me what you're thinking, ask any questions, and don't hesitate to drop a comment! Thanks for reading my musings!
Not only does the depression affect my concentration, but I am receiving ECT treatments for it and they have destroyed my memory. That means that if I can get through a chapter, the next day I will have virtually no idea what I read. You may be asking yourself "what on earth is ECT?" Well, I'll tell you - it's electroconvulsive therapy, aka "shock therapy." About half of you are probably thinking something about "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" or some such thing, but it's not like that. It's not torturous, it's not for "crazy" people (gosh, I hate that word!), heck, it doesn't even hurt! It's done under anesthesia. If you're curious to read more about it, click here. Or, please, feel free to ask me questions - I don't know you, you have nothing to lose!
Given the ECT, any question starting with "do you remember..." usually gets the response "NO!" Let me tell you, it's frustrating! When I was in the ER last week the doctors kept asking what meds I was on, what specialists I saw, what surgeries I've had, etc. It's mortifying to not know the answers to these questions. It makes me feel incredibly stupid. I've even forgotten an entire vacation Keith and I took. I work hard now to make memories "stick." We'll see how that goes. For the record, such severe memory loss is a rarity!
Back to the "reading" thing... I have a Kindle and love it! I look at the multiple full bookcases I have throughout the house and then at my little Kindle and wonder why I'd ever buy another paperback! This thing is so easy to use and amazon makes it so easy to buy books and download them onto the device. I have a "Kindle Wishlist" on amazon that contains something like 71 books! Is that crazy, or what? I sure wish I could read faster!!
On a completely unrelated topic, you may have noticed that I switched the background for my blog to pawprints. I adore animals and as I've mentioned before, we have 2 dogs and 2 cats (Casey and Poly, Tori and Bert). They are all named with Disney references: Casey's is a hot dog quick service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom; Poly is the abbreviated way to refer to the Polynesian Resort; Victoria and Albert's is a very fancy restaurant in the Grand Floridian Resort (Keith and I enjoyed it on our honeymoon).
.jpg) |
| Nikki |
 |
| Tori (bottom) and Bert (top) |
 |
| Casey (left) and Poly (right) |
There is never a dull day here at the "B" household, that's for sure! These four guys keep us on our toes! It took us a while to tell the difference between the kitties without seeing their collars (Tori's is red, Bert's is green), but now we're pretty good at it; she's the more petite one and he, well, he likes to eat, like his Mom. Casey is a lover - will give kisses until his tongue falls off - but he is very protective of us and does not like strangers, especially males. She is more reserved. To get kisses from her is cause for celebration. You dog lovers will know what I'm saying...!
So, please tell me what you're thinking, ask any questions, and don't hesitate to drop a comment! Thanks for reading my musings!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Life
Life holds many things, some of which are positive and some of which are negative. If I'm going to reveal some things about myself, I'm not only fat, I'll share that I suffer from bipolar disorder and have a number of physical problem which are unrelated to my weight (not to mention those which *are* weight-related).
So, my life now holds a membership to the Y. For several weeks at the end of the year I was talking water aerobic classes. Being in a bathing suit is not thrilling, but being in the water is far better for my body than trying to workout in the gym. I did lose 16 lbs, but haven't been in weeks and gained back 4 of those lbs.
Life also holds a house full of critters - 2 large dogs and 2 cats. I haven't been able to walk the dogs due to the abuse on my body from the pulling but we've ordered a new leash (the Wacky Walk'r) which is supposed to buffer that pressure. We also got the related Crazy Coupler so that I'm only holding onto one leash and the dogs can't get tangled. We'll see how this works.
Food. This really deserves a post all of its own, but I'll just say that I have a sweet tooth which is absolutely destroying me. My eating habits have gotten pretty bad - not only do I crave chocolate, but I totally have an addiction to carbs. These things aren't the best way to enjoy food if I'm going to lose weight.
I need to lose about 150 lbs, although I'll settle for 120 (from this point, so on top of what I've already lost). As I said in another post, I've considered lap-band surgery. I don't want to do gastric bypass, but it seems like lap-band is a reasonable alternative.
This is my life as it stands now. Ironically, I'm off to go have some tortellini for dinner.
So, my life now holds a membership to the Y. For several weeks at the end of the year I was talking water aerobic classes. Being in a bathing suit is not thrilling, but being in the water is far better for my body than trying to workout in the gym. I did lose 16 lbs, but haven't been in weeks and gained back 4 of those lbs.
Life also holds a house full of critters - 2 large dogs and 2 cats. I haven't been able to walk the dogs due to the abuse on my body from the pulling but we've ordered a new leash (the Wacky Walk'r) which is supposed to buffer that pressure. We also got the related Crazy Coupler so that I'm only holding onto one leash and the dogs can't get tangled. We'll see how this works.
Food. This really deserves a post all of its own, but I'll just say that I have a sweet tooth which is absolutely destroying me. My eating habits have gotten pretty bad - not only do I crave chocolate, but I totally have an addiction to carbs. These things aren't the best way to enjoy food if I'm going to lose weight.
I need to lose about 150 lbs, although I'll settle for 120 (from this point, so on top of what I've already lost). As I said in another post, I've considered lap-band surgery. I don't want to do gastric bypass, but it seems like lap-band is a reasonable alternative.
This is my life as it stands now. Ironically, I'm off to go have some tortellini for dinner.
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