Some of you may think this sounds like one big gripe-fest, but it's just what my life is like right now. To start, this whole bipolar thing has gotten out of control. I saw a new psychiatrist last month and my diagnosis has been officially changed to bipolar 2 (aka bpII). My life is less-than-enjoyable these days. It's not that I can put my finger on something specific and say "this" is why I crashed into a full-fledged depression. I did lose a friend a few weeks back. He was from our church that closed in the Spring, so haven't seen him since then. I'll tell you, though, this guy gave THE BEST hugs! Every Sunday I would walk into church and he would come over and give me a giant hug, complementing me on something - anything. One woman teased that she could be wearing a sack and he would tell her how beautiful she looked. He was just that kind of guy. He was kind-hearted and genuine. He is missed. I also developed a few new friendships who seem to think that mental illness isn't "real" because it is more of a spiritual issue. I don't want to get into specifics, nor do I want any comments about this. I only say it because it is something in my life, as it stands right now.
As for my weight... well, I had lost those 25 lbs without trying the end of last year through the early part of this year. Then I went on Weight Watchers (which rocks, by the way) and lost another 23-ish pounds. Then my mental health tanked. I've lost count of how many pints of Ben and Jerry's I've enjoyed. I also got some regular Turkey Hill ice cream to save money. Today was a Wegman's brand version of Ben and Jerry's. It didn't come close as far as flavor. I'll spend the extra dollar for the real stuff from here on out. While you probably can't tell from this, I am super ticked off that I'm pigging out. I'm also super ticked off that the depression is back. They are absolutely related, although one is a choice (sort of) and the other is not. Intellectually I know I have a choice over the junk food bingeing but it sure doesn't feel like it.
One of the dogs was sick for a few weeks so I was taking both pups for a walk virtually ever day. It probably did good things for my mood. It was so much easier to go for a walk every day when I was doing it for Casey and not myself. Especially with the depression I have no motivation. So now, I am not walking. It's a vicious cycle. Vicious!
So, as a fat chick I say that it's ok to go off plan every so often. Weight Watchers actually allows for it. BUT when this has become a multiple week thing, well, it's hit a bad, bad place. And those... are today's musings.
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