Frustration!

I don't know what to say.  I'm fuming right now.  I've been fighting with an insurance company and the healthcare provider over a specific claim and both ends, of course, say it's the other one's fault.  Now, here I am, stuck in the middle with a past-due bill while we're trying to refinance the house.  Oh, and I had the car in the shop yesterday for regular maintenance and because of a weird jerking movement it was making.  That turned out to cost $600 - I know it could have been worse and this was almost a relief, but it is also $600 we don't have.  On top of this, I have woken up the past week or so with headaches and disinterested in taking medications because of the tendency for bounce-back headaches.  I finally gave in yesterday and again today.  I was also having abdominal issues yesterday, presumably after a virus from over the weekend.

Today, my dogs go out and play in the mud, one of them digging just a little and listening when I said "STOP" but the other totally and completely ignoring the fact that I'm even talking (yelling) and continued to dig to the point where when I finally drug her inside she was muddy from the bottom of her feet to the top of her legs.  I had to wipe both dogs' paws off and in order to do so had to bend over.  Now we come to the pain issue - my back did NOT tolerate the bending over well - at all!  I was screaming and almost in tears (not being able to cry is another issue...), so, so very frustrated with my life and the dogs.  Of course they are now sound asleep on the sofa as if they've been good all day.  The big digger, Poly, knew I was angry because I yelled IN her face, something I've never done before and with an unknown history, something which I think scared her (frightening her as if she was going to be abused was NOT my intention; I pray she knows she is loved and safe here.... but also that she MUST behave).  He sensed my anger and finally came running inside, mostly compliant as I attempted to clean him up.

I am not in a place where I'm handling this stuff well.  Yes, in the grand scheme of things none of this is a big deal, but when I'm starting out in a bad place this just sends me spiraling.  My language has not been good the past week-ish.  While that may  not seen like a big deal to anyone reading this, I am a Christian and do not want my language to be something that doesn't glorify Him.

I want MY therapist back.... 3 more weeks - halfway there......

Another Doctor Visit, Another Weigh-In

I had to see my PCP for a transitional appointment from my hospitalization last month.  Before even going back to the examining room I'm put on the dreaded scale.  If I thought the scale at my appointment on Friday was bad, this was horrible!  I realize that for both appointments I had eaten and was dressed, but for the Monday appointment I weighed over 10 lbs more than I did yesterday morning at home.  My home scale is a digital one from amazon and I know that they are sometimes less accurate than the ones at most doc's offices, but 10 lbs?  TEN POUNDS???  That's just crazy - I was not wearing 10 lbs worth of clothing, although I did have pasta for dinner an hour or so before Monday's weigh-in.  I do step on it enough times until it reads the same number twice.  Yesterday it took 3 attempts, but two of them were the same, so that's the number I went with.

Last night I saw the therapist - the one covering while mine is out on medical leave... the one who is an expert on food issues.  Yeah, her.  Well, I alluded to my body issues, but it wasn't the main focus of what I was saying, so she didn't ask me to expand on it.  I didn't bring it up again.

I'm scheduled to go away in the Fall.  Away to a place which requires a lot of walking - Disney World.  Last time I was there was this past December and the arthritis in my back was acting up in a way that I was in so much pain.  In fact, it's still really bothering me.  I know that losing weight will at least help with that pain.  I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up my junk food.  I realize that I don't have to give it up - that it's not about dieting, but I won't be able to eat in the way I am now.  Do I take advantage of her "area of focus" in "eating disorders" (as it says on the practice's website) or do I wait until my therapist comes back (where the website says he has "extensive expertise" in treating "food addiction") and work on it when I'm ready?

Only Furry Kids?

This is a post from my other blog, A Tale of Two Dogs, but I thought I'd post it here for you to get to know about me further...


I thought maybe I'd spend a post talking about why Keith and I are childless... or at least have no 2-legged kids.

Keith and I tried for quite some time to become pregnant, both naturally and with treatments.  Not only did I take medications, but he had surgery.  Even considering those treatments we did not become pregnant.  At one point Clomid had me sporting four (yep, you read that right), four eggs.  We could have had quadruplets!  Looking back I can't even imagine what life would have been like.  We are both totally anti-abortion and I would have carried all four to the best of my ability had we become pregnant with all four eggs.  As we discovered later, I had endometriosis and adenomyosis.  The names aren't really important.  What is important is that there is treatment out there, we tried it, and decided - a conscious decision - to stop trying.

We chose to finish with treatments in 2000.  It's still painful to talk about pregnancy, to see a pregnant woman, to hear children laugh, etc.  Even seeing babies is painful - but to those of you whose babies we love (and you know who you are), we don't love them any less!  I promise!  I love to look at babies, albeit painful.  I love to see babies when we're out or pictures of little ones!  While it is a reminder that we were never given that gift, someone else was and even through the hard times parents have, I pray that those little miracles grow up loved and happy.

For us, though, the decision to end our seemingly constant trips to the fertility specialist was the best decision we could have made.  Not only are treatments expensive financially but they take an enormous toll on our emotions.  The roller coaster we went through each month was more intense than the most intense roller coaster imaginable.

So now we are blessed with our four-legged kids!  We believe that it was God's plan all along.  Of course He knew that I'd never carry a baby and that we'd save the lives of 5 critters - so far!  For any of you who know someone going through infertility or who is childless, this post will help you further understand.  I encourage you to read it!

As always, ask questions, make comments, link to my post - it's all appreciated!

Have you ever just opened a bag of chocolate chips...

Have you ever just opened a bag of chocolate chips because you craved chocolate and it was the only thing in the house?  Yeah, that's where I'm at.  There is a bag of candy in the fridge, but it belongs to Keith.  Ok,, sure I've had a little bit of it - who wouldn't?  But I'm not going to gorge myself on it.

I did have a small-ish dinner last night... only one piece of meatloaf and some mashed potatoes.  Neither of us felt like messing with the fresh green beans.  I know, I know, that's no good but I tire easily and Keith, well, he does so much around the house; I'm very blessed!

We're waiting for a new leash to come in (it's on order now).  It's called the Wacky Walkr (yep, that's how it's spelled) and it's supposed to help with pulling.  The pulling really aggravates the arthritis in my back.  Once it comes in (along with the "Crazy Coupler" - which you can see on the site), I'm hoping I can take the dogs out for walks; short walks to start and working up to longer ones.

Whoopsie.... I just noticed that I had posted the above on my other blog!  It's A Tale of Two Dogs and certainly those readers don't want to hear about my chocolate chip dilemma!  If you'd like to read it, please, link to the above and it will take you right there.

As I mentioned, my therapist is out for a number of weeks.  I met with his colleague last week, and will again tomorrow.  She's quite nice and understanding about my feelings on my doc being out, which is nice.  I was afraid that she'd think I was crazy to be "mourning" this time without him.

I saw a doctor on Friday.  First thing when I sat down in his office I noticed a scale.  "No big deal" I thought; perhaps he's keeping track of his own weight or some odd thing like that.  No.  It seems new insurance regulations require that he take height, weight, blood pressure and pulse at each appointment.  And, since everything has switched over to medical records he can't get away without doing it.  Now, my Mom works in a doc's office and said that they are required to enter 3 vitals into the system.  Who knows....?  In any event, having eaten breakfast and lunch before my appointment and being fully dressed except for my shoes, I weighed 7 lbs more than I last did at home (when I'm undressed and haven't yet eaten).  Either way, though, it's 7 lbs and was quite a shocker to see, let alone for anyone else to see.  I don't talk numbers with my weight, I just don't!

Ok, well, if you're reading my blog(s), please join so you can get an email when I make a new post!  Also, I'd love to hear your comments!!  Is there anything you'd like to talk about or read about?  Let me know!!

Books, Furry Kids and More

I love to read!  The problem is that my concentration is seriously affected by depression.  Right now, I am reading Not Lost Forever, a story I heard about on an old 20/20 episode.  It's written by a woman who survived a murderous rampage by her father when she was just a toddler.  Keith would say that it's my kind of book, my kind of story.  What books are you reading?  What do you enjoy?  I just love to read biographies and autobiographies, to learn about other peoples' stories and what they've experienced.  I think it's my inner psychologist.  LOL

Not only does the depression affect my concentration, but I am receiving ECT treatments for it and they have destroyed my memory.  That means that if I can get through a chapter, the next day I will have virtually no idea what I read.  You may be asking yourself "what on earth is ECT?"  Well, I'll tell you - it's electroconvulsive therapy, aka "shock therapy."  About half of you are probably thinking something about "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" or some such thing, but it's not like that.  It's not torturous, it's not for "crazy" people (gosh, I hate that word!), heck, it doesn't even hurt!  It's done under anesthesia.  If you're curious to read more about it, click here.  Or, please, feel free to ask me questions - I don't know you, you have nothing to lose!

Given the ECT, any question starting with "do you remember..." usually gets the response "NO!"  Let me tell you, it's frustrating!  When I was in the ER last week the doctors kept asking what meds I was on, what specialists I saw, what surgeries I've had, etc.  It's mortifying to not know the answers to these questions.  It makes me feel incredibly stupid.  I've even forgotten an entire vacation Keith and I took.  I work hard now to make memories "stick."  We'll see how that goes.  For the record, such severe memory loss is a rarity!

Back to the "reading" thing... I have a Kindle and love it!  I look at the multiple full bookcases I have throughout the house and then at my little Kindle and wonder why I'd ever buy another paperback!  This thing is so easy to use and amazon makes it so easy to buy books and download them onto the device.  I have a "Kindle Wishlist" on amazon that contains something like 71 books!  Is that crazy, or what?  I sure wish I could read faster!!

On a completely unrelated topic, you  may have noticed that I switched the background for my blog to pawprints.  I adore animals and as I've mentioned before, we have 2 dogs and 2 cats (Casey and Poly, Tori and Bert).  They are all named with Disney references: Casey's is a hot dog quick service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom; Poly is the abbreviated way to refer to the Polynesian Resort; Victoria and Albert's is a very fancy restaurant in the Grand Floridian Resort (Keith and I enjoyed it on our honeymoon).

Nikki

All of our furry kids are rescues.  Tori and Bert came first.  It was just over a week after our dear kitty, Nikki, had to be put down and we fell in love with these guys at the pet store.  They are biological siblings and sure act like it!  Casey we met through a rescue and the woman fostering him brought along Poly.  We just couldn't separate them!  They "play" just like siblings, too, even though they don't share any DNA.  The rescue told us that Casey is a shepherd mix and Poly is a vizsla mix - who knows, but does it really matter??  No!

Tori (bottom) and Bert (top)

Casey (left) and Poly (right)

There is never a dull day here at the "B" household, that's for sure!  These four guys keep us on our toes!  It took us a while to tell the difference between the kitties without seeing their collars (Tori's is red, Bert's is green), but now we're pretty good at it; she's the more petite one and he, well, he likes to eat, like his Mom.  Casey is a lover - will give kisses until his tongue falls off - but he is very protective of us and does not like strangers, especially males.  She is more reserved. To get kisses from her is cause for celebration.  You dog lovers will know what I'm saying...!

So, please tell me what you're thinking, ask any questions, and don't hesitate to drop a comment!  Thanks for reading my musings!