Illness

I just got over being sick.  I had 4 days of barely keeping anything down - not even Coke or Ginger Ale.  It was bad.  During this time, I lost 14.5 lbs (+/-).  It was almost worth it.  No, I don't have an eating disorder and nobody can tell that I lost that weight because I do weigh so much to start.  But I know and there is something mental about knowing I lost weight for once and didn't gain.

Ridiculous

Yes, this is ridiculous.  I continue to get to my top weight.  I'm disgusted by my appearance and the clothes I have to wear... none of which are flattering.  My brain is just all screwy and it's like I'm driven to eat.  None of it really matters, does it?  I mean, I'm too fat to be intimate with my husband but other than that, it's just worthless me in my big, fat body.  Yeah, I'm tired of it, but don't have the energy to do anything about it and wonder what it matters anyway.  Hmph!

Disgusting

I. Am. Disgusting.  It's true - I'm totally and utterly gross.  I hate to obsess about my weight, but I can't get away from it.  I can't hide from it.  I move an inch and am faced with my obnoxious body.  There's no pretending.  I wish it was as easy as convincing myself that I was thin or that I could wish myself into smaller clothes, but that's not reality.

This has been a public service announcement.....

Tops

Yes, I've reached the top - my top weight, that is.  I'm not proud of it, but that's where it stands right now.  My home scale is about 4 lbs more than the scale at a doc's office on Tuesday.  I choose the doc's scale number instead, but it's still higher (tell it like it is) I'm still fatter than I've ever been.  There's no reason I should weigh less.  I am eating horribly and not exercising.  So much for a fresh start.  Am I the only one who has less motivation than a cinder block?

Boring....

Yes, that's my life - boring.  I have no motivation to do anything, except check email and Facebook (and sometimes not even that).  I hurt too much to walk the dogs - or walk at all.  I am still post-op, so can't do the exercise bike, even if I wanted to.  I'm just feeling really blah.

I got a sewing machine for Christmas and want to learn to use it.  One of these days, a friend and I will make it to a class we've already purchased on LivingSocial.  It is, obviously, not an active activity (should it be allowed to be called an activity if it's not active?).

I want to eat junk.  I don't care if there is healthy food in the house; I do freak out of frustration if there isn't something sweet in the house.  There are these wonderful wafer bars by Skinny Cow and Chewy Clusters (I can't remember the exact name) which are also quite tasty.

I need to find some motivation!!!

There's No Way!

I made the mistake of stepping on the scale the other day and it read 14.5 lbs more than the day prior to surgery.  Seriously?over my last weight?  Ummm, no.

I did get dehydrated post-op and they pumped me full of fluids for 3 days, but 14.5 lbs?  No.

I already hate my scale - I hate what it "tells" me.  I already know that I'm fat and to see a number is just delightful <note sarcastic tone here>.

I. Think. Not.

It may be a while until I step on the scale again.  UGH!

Still Fat

Yep, it's true - I'm still fat.  Ugh!  I had surgery on Thursday and begged the doctor to just suck out some of this fat while he was in there.  His response?  "Most women ask me to do this" (it was a gynecological surgery, so he only operates on women).  Well that doesn't answer my question!  I have my answer now and it's a clear and resounding "NO!"  Hmph!

To add to it, I had the joy of repeated humiliation each and every time someone had to inspect my incisions (5 little laproscopic holes.  Nurses, doctors, medical techs - heck, the folks who delivered meals might as well have asked me to pull up my gown!  I'm not proud of my flab and NOT excited to show it off for all to see.

I'm very thankful that none of the doctors told me I need to lose weight.  I hate that!  It's like they are the first person to have this revelation and it's news to me!  I was certain as they lifted up flab, I'd hear about it.  I'm so thankful that I didn't - thank you doctors!!

So, I spend the next several weeks with limited activity (as if I started out super active, right?) and taking painkillers - which doesn't thrill me.  Hub's car is paid off in June.  Then we're off to the "Y."  I have to do something.