Monday, June 20, 2016

Day 27 and Moodiness Abounds (Not to Mention Some Serious Anxiety)

I won't be weighing again until tomorrow, but I felt like I had to write.

I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out.  This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult.  I'm not exactly sure why.  I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food.  There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites.  I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy!  I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them!  I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.

I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods.  I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left.  But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  This is scary.  I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure).  Can I eat veggies?  Will my pouch allow meat?  What about eating out?  Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat.  I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies.  But what can I eat?  What should I eat?  What will I eat?  Will it be accepted by my sleeve?

I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit.  I was all mostly ready to go to water aerobics.  Yesterday Keith and I went and checked out the gym so I knew where I was going, etc.  I got halfway there and realized that I didn't have the lock for a locker.  I wasn't about to leave my keys and wallet in an unsecured locker.  Well, I got home and was SO frustrated.  I admit that I was angry, thinking that Keith was the last one to touch it and he must have put it somewhere and that I didn't know where it was.  Please, forgive me Keith.  My anger was unfounded.  I went again to check the bedroom and found the lock tucked in the quilt folds.  I felt like such an idiot.  My anger was for nothing and had I looked closer, I would have found it and been able to start water aerobics.  Wednesday I know I won't be able to go for the class (which is fine; I can always go and walk the pool).  The days I have afternoon appointments will be difficult to do the class, but somehow I have to make it work.  Hey, I'll (probably) be starting at the 4 week mark.  That's not half bad, huh??

That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already.  I'm so ticked off!  I can't handle going deeper into the darkness.  I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two.  I started out with this stupid mental illness.  I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear.  I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure).  Now I feel like I'm back where I started.

What the heck is going on?  I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned.  I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies.  I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen.  The doctor visits.  The tests.  The clearances.  The liquid diet - twice.  The pureed diet.  Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow.  If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that.  I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect.  I NEED to be successful.  This is the final attempt to get this fat off.  I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I know I've rambled about this emotion thing.  It's just such a big part of who I am.  I return to my food/eating therapist this week.  We'll see how that goes.....  Thanks again!


  1. Oh dear, I can feel your frustration in your words. I tensed up just reading this. I think what you're experiencing is normal for those of us who have depression and anxiety before the surgery. I still get frustrated over food because I'm at a point where I'm bored of my regular go-to foods. You are going to be okay, though, and your pouch is going to tolerate food if you take it reallllly slow and chew chew chew. Don't drink while you're eating or even shortly after eating. Hopefully your doc told you that! Just don't try to test the boundaries of your pouch, especially if you're away from home or not near the restroom. If these mood swings keep up, you will need to talk to your doc about your depression meds because you may not be absorbing them, but I don't think that's what is going on for you right now. I think all of your emotions and moods are valid and normal at this stage. Just hang in there and please let me know if I can help in any way!

    1. Thanks so very much, Janet. I'm tearing up reading your comment and SO appreciate your offer of help. I may just take you up on that. <3

  2. I can't imgagine what you are going thru. I can only offer this advice...Find something that you LOVE to do! For me I LOVE to swim. I raced home from work to go in the pool. I hate wearing a bathing suite but I know I can work out in the pool and it works! I also LOVE to spin. I love the speed and the loud music...but i have to work back up to that so as not to embarrass myself! Find what you love and you will make time to exercise!Last...stop being so hard on yourself!! Don't call it "the failure" YOU didn't fail!! YOU didn't cause your BP to be high!! It was a hiccup...a speed, you got this!! Sorry for yelling!I know you are a writer so it probably makes you crazy that I pay no attention to grammar and punctuation! I just write how I talk! HEHE! ((HUGS))

    1. Thanks, Cherie. I've done well at water aerobics in the past and do have my recumbent bike (with TV in the room - highly motivational to keep going). I'm with you on the bathing suit part, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do, right?

      Now, you have known me for more than 25 years! You know that I'm a pro at being hard on myself! That's not going away any time soon.

      As for grammar - I am no expert. I'll write the way I talk (see earlier in this comment LOL) but sometimes I'll mess around with words - I like words :)

      Thanks for your comment, Cher! The more support the better, right? Let me know if you need me to kick your butt to get in the pool or back to a spin class!