The post I've been avoiding

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A few of my beloved readers have emailed and/or commented to ask how the cycle is going. Here's a one word update: Not.

I am still on stims, and like always, my uterus is desperately clinging to the status quo while my ovaries are sitting around playing cards and arguing over whether or not Thor won the latest round of dominoes. They are not, however, busy growing follicles or even considering the possibility. I mean, why, you know, do anything when it's summer and there are things like poker championships on the Travel Channel?

How am I doing? Me? Well, I've never been into poker, and have never quite understood how it relates to travel. But then, I also don't get how eating electrical appliances relates, either.

I guess that's besides the point.

Overall, I am sorta doing ok, sorta doing well, sorta sitting around on a Friday night feeling sorry for myself. Here's a run down:

I'm glad that I made a copy of my chart from the Dr. Hottie Pants days. This has helped me learn a few things. I'm a little perturbed (HA! ready to buy small arms, is more like it) that The GES put me on a lower dose of stims than my last cycle with Dr. HP. I'm also annoyed that day after day NOTHING IS HAPPENING. However, I just noticed that my current cycle is mirroring my best cycle (read April's post) with Dr. HP. On that cycle, nothing happened, and then nothing continued to happen, and then all of a sudden Freyja had 7 follicles and Thor was playing hide and seek. So who knows? The GES told me that he's going to reevaluate my meds on Monday. We shall see.

And The GES... There is only one thing to say about The GES: I hate that motherfucker. Seriously, that awful bastard is like the second nastiest lizard-like creature I have ever met and my skin crawls when I so much as see him. His face reminds me of cockroaches. And when I hear his voice? It makes my stomach cramp and twirl. And the really awful thing is that it isn't him. Internet, he has been kind and professional and patient, never anything less than totally respectful. But I can't stand him, in the way that when he says, "Good morning, Shannon" I instantly want to gouge his eyes out with something, anything (as long as it's rusty and blunt, because I have standards, oh yes I do).

I don't want him to say my name. Ever.

I finally figured out - after a waking-up-kicking-and-screaming kind of nightmare - that I can't stand The GES, not because of anything he has said or done, but because he bears a striking resemblance to a certain filthy, vile, festering glob of cretin belly button scum whose name is a synonym for VOMIT, did you get that L? (Sorry, Internet, for the inside reference there.) This association is visceral and immediate, and it is causing me serious anxiety and stress. It's actually making ultrasounds physically impossible (I'm not exaggerating here). I am thinking that if it doesn't get better I will have to get some therapy to help me through it. I've considered changing REs, but there really is no reason to do that: He's a good RE, he's got good success rates, and I can't constantly run from things that freak me the royal fuck out. I've got to face this, and have faith that I can get through it because it isn't rational and I am strong and unafraid. Fuck that bastard, and I'm not referring to The GES here.

But enough of that.

So far, the running total is that I have four follicles that are measurable, and a billion gazillion on Thor that may end up causing this cycle to get cancelled. My estrogen is still in the "acceptable" range, but I don't know the exact number - I told them I don't want to know until later in the cycle. Or maybe after. I just don't want to obsess. I am so sick and tired of obsessing, you know? I am exhausted with the obsessing. I mean, it's summer, for Spaghetti's sake. Summer. In Chicago. Summer in Chicago, if you don't know, is the absolute bestest time in the whole wide world, and I want to be dancing at lunchtime music fests in Daley Plaza, not waiting for the damn RE's office to call.

That, and there's one other thing that's totally keeping my sanity together. But sorry, Internet, for that, you'll just have to wait. And my oh my, it's so worth waiting for. [PREPOSITION!]